There are many gray areas to be discussed before you say, “I DO.” It is a well-known fact that some of the reasons for marital problems are;
1, Money issues,
2, Sex,
3, In-Laws (outlaws!),
4, Religion,
5. Children.
Some people are not comfortable talking about money or sex. Hence, why the right questions are not asked before they say I do.
No wonder after you’re married, you discover that you have been lied to. Could it be that you did not ask the right questions?
Men do not talk much; as we all know, men are very different from women (thank God!). A man may not offer to tell you some personal information that a woman would consider relevant. Therefore, what is relevant to a woman is not necessarily so to a man.
Asking the right questions will eliminate some of the confusion that will surely arise later after the wedlock.
In this part, let us talk about Money, Money, and Money!
In a marriage, there is no such thing as my money and your money. It is our money; it cannot be separated.
Salary – How much do you earn? It sounds so simple, yet you won’t believe that some women do not know how much their spouse earns? The main salary before overtime, do not estimate for income that is not guaranteed.
Savings – How crucial is savings to you? As one who loves to save, you really need to find out if you are marrying a spender or a saver. Just in case he’s a spender, that is not the ground not to marry him. Know whom you are marrying; that is the whole point.
FICO score: Find out what the FICO score is now. If you do not ask now, you will pay the price later. Why not at least know what price you are willing to pay. If you do not know what a FICO score is (USA), maybe you are not ready to get married just yet.
Credit Cards – How much debt do they have on their credit cards? You may be surprised to find out that all that eating out he’s been paying for with his credit card, you will help him pay it back with interest afterward.
How many credit cards does he have? How many is too much?
Car Note – How much car note is outstanding and at what rate of interest. How long does he intend to pay it off for?
Does he own his car, or is he leasing? If leasing, why? This may not apply if he owns his business.
Is he/she financially responsible for any family members? Ok, let me make this clearer. This may not apply to everyone, but if you marry anyone of African descent, you’d better ask quickly! Usually, we are our parents’ social security, pension, and healthcare plan. We also have uncle, aunties, nieces, and nephews on our payroll. I really cannot get into that right now. It is a whole enchilada!
How much has he already committed to helping families and friends before you arrived on the scene? It is very vital to find out; these are commitments he made in the past.
You need to discuss and find out if he is open to renegotiating or forgoing some of those commitments. You both must consider that a single lifestyle and marriage are very different, especially in cost terms.
Lending Money – an essential topic to hash or thrash out now before you say I do. Your man/woman could be a very generous person who thinks it’s ok to lend money to everyone. Some will even co-sign without discussing with their spouse. Lending money and co-signing for friends and families are very sensitive topics; tread very carefully.
Buying or Renting – Your first home – where are you going to live? Do you rent or buy? Do we move into your current home or rented accommodation?
Joint or separate accounts?
Whose money is it anyway?
Wedding cost – Who is paying for what? How big, how small. I know it is customary for the groom and bride’s parents to take on different parts of the bill. What if none of your parents are alive or could afford it? Dish traditions and plan a wedding you can both afford. Do not assume your partner wants a big wedding, and that is your motivation for one. You might end up footing a wedding neither of you wanted.
Divorced and Single Parent Issues – How much is the Alimony, how much is the child maintenance? Does he/she owe any back payment, and how will this affect the income? What kind of agreement do they have in place right now? Child visitation rights etc.
Identify the best person for handling money and let them be in charge of paying bills. The other partner must show interest and know how much the monthly expenses are. It is not just one person’s job. If the other partner does not get involved, you open yourself for abuse to occur.
Financial Goals. What are your financial goals? What big project do you have in mind for the future? Now that two are becoming one, there has to be some compromise. Except if you are a millionaire, you cannot have it all.
Financial secrets – After you have discussed all the questions. Ask them if they want to own up to any financial secrets or shame. Such as a Foreclosure or Bankruptcy. Allow them to talk freely.
These are just guidelines to start the discussion. There are many more questions you can think of.
(This is Part 1 of 5 series of Before “I Do”)
This is my first time leaving a comment, i ran into your blog by luck. I am in charge of young adult ministries and i know they will greatly benefit from this post. Bravo
Hi Simon,
I appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment, check back and see what is next. I am new to blogging, so far i have having a blast. I hope your young adult ministry will benefit from the post.
Regards
Buky
Hi Simon, that wasn't luck, you were meant to come across this post as it will probably touch someone in your ministry, keep up the great work and stay blessed!
– Anna
This is very interesting because a lot of us women always think about meeting that perfect Men of our dreams, and what the wedding is going to be like, without even thinking what God really wants for them. However, the truth of the matter is, we do not think of these things until after the honeymoon. Even though there are more important things to worry about apart from money, for example, good health, loyalty etc… As we all know money is known also to be the root cause of all evil, some people don't know how to handle money.
"For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required" KJ 12:48
However, to some women or men they find money the most important thing because money does make the world go round. There's nothing like not having to worry about how and when bills will be payed or buying every-day necessities.
But don't judge me wrong, it is very important for both parties to discuss money, sex, etc. If you are planning on getting married to someone but therefore you cannot be honest with them and tell them the truth about your financial status, your sex life, etc. then you do not need to marry him or her.
Pretending to have or to be something that you are not, will eventually catch up with you and bring resentment, division, distrust and possibly divorce. Then guess what, you will have to start all over again and hopefully you will do it right the next time if so.
However, I understand that sometimes these topics could be sensitive or personal to a lot of men (and women). Now, I wouldn't bring it up on the first date, but keep in mind that if he or she is meant to be your wife/husband, it's like a puzzle; no matter what or when, it'll have to fit. And if you're telling this person the truth about your life and what's going on with you and they judge you based on whatever your situation is, then he or she is not meant to be your future spouse.
Remember what the bible says he who finds a wife finds a good thing and same for women marriage is a blessing so it is important that you don't mess up a good thing or loose your blessing due to lack of communication and lies.
Stay blessed,
Anna
Anna,
Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment, i do appreciate your time.
Buky Thank you for sharing your wisdom. The information you share is very good, especially for someone like me who wants to get married and is planning for marriage within a year LOL. I have thought to ask a few of these questions but you shed light on others that slipped my mind. I am enjoying your blog post. Keep posting….good stuff and truth for us to keep encouraged. Thanks!
Iris, thank you for your words of encouragement, I am glad you found new questions you can add to your list. All the best with your future wedding plans. Marriage is certainly a wonderful union and I so recommend it. Feel free to drop by with any questions.
Your suggestions are really good. There are many vital points that should naturally occur in our mind, but we still miss them. I think your blog is a good guide for all such people who re planning a wedding or just engaged.
Thanks for taking the time to read it, with comment like that i will be blogging for life. Thank you.
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First Timer here!!!!………..well for we back home here in Naija, I think you missed out on the issue of tribe. Its not taken lighltly here ohhh.. Very insightful post. Thanks a lot Mummy Bukie.
Izzi,
Welcome to Bukville, thanks for taking the time out to leave a comment!
Thanks for bringing my attention to the tribe issue. It is unfortunate that is ongoing, only God can hold a marriage together. There are no guarantees even being of the same tribe or race. I pray that as we individually play our part in time we shall overcome the tribe/race issue. Of course we cant ignore the fact that those factors are very important.
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