There is no easy way to broach this subject, so we might as well just dive into it.
It is just 3 letters, S-E-X, yet very powerful.
When I first mentioned to my friend Sade that I will be writing about the types of questions you should ask before you say “I Do” and mentioned “sex”, she was somewhat surprised that these questions will be brought up before marriage – and I know exactly where she’s coming from.
Well, there are ways to talk about sex without it being sexual. This is not a conversation to have in your “boudoir” with Marvin Gaye music playing in the background. You must be conscious of every appearance of evil.
God created sex and it is a good thing. God is not in the habit of creating bad stuff. I have heard people say that the Church has an obligation to talk more on these issues, and this is true, however, we have become a nation of people who love passing on their personal responsibilities onto others. What next are we going to ask the Church to do, give us sex lessons? Oh please, don’t get me started!
I beg to differ, it is a sensitive subject and I surely do not want to have that discussion in the same room as my friend’s parent, huh! Anyway, back to the discussion at hand.
Why discuss sex?
The bible says: “therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Gen2:24
The goal is to become ONE. For that to happen there has to be a lot of letting go of how it was done in the past. We have to start afresh and learn together as one.
The word “cleave” means to cut off, to cling to, to hold on to, to separate from the old and embrace the new. To put behind you everything you knew before, every habit, every way of doing it with others. To start afresh with your new partner, learn together and be one.
Therefore, you need to discuss sex and here are a number of good reasons why:
Your future partner (FP) may be sexually more advanced than you. You need to find out and know what his/her expectations are.
What if FP has what you may consider to be ‘sick fantasies’? You will need to flesh them out before you say “I Do”.
You need to know about their sexual appetite – i.e. how frequently you are expected to do the “marital dance”.
What kind of dance do they have in mind, is it the Tango, Waltz, Quickstep or the Paso Doble? This is the time to lay it all down, what you will and will not engage in.
Sex should be between a man and a woman, but you may be surprised to find out that your Christian FP also thinks it’s okay to bring visual aids; such as porn or making your own “home movies” into your marital bedroom. You need to know right now before you say “I Do”. We are all at different levels in our walk of faith; do not ever assume that because they are believers they do not have an obscure way of thinking.
Children love role-playing, but what if your ‘mature’ FP still wants to role-play? Are you game for playing nurse or patient or maybe daffy duck? Huh!
Will they be willing to have blood tests done before you say ”I Do”?
Are they on the sex offenders register for something they had done in the past before coming to the Lord? This is a must for the single moms.
I watched a disturbing documentary about this issue, when a pedophile bounded with a single mom; she ended marrying the man because of his relationship with her child only to discover later the damage he had done.
It is also important to find out if they have ever engaged in same sex relationships or have any fantasy about it.
Be clear what your boundaries are and make it plain
How comfortable is your FP at talking about sex? What else are they not comfortable discussing with you? After all, you guys are planning to spend the rest of your lives together.
What if they don’t want to engage in sex at all? Shocking! Right? You’ll never know until you ask before you say ”I Do”.
If you think these questions are unnecessary or difficult to discuss before you say “I Do”, then maybe you are not ready to say “I Do” just yet.
(This is Part 2 of 5 series of Before “I Do”)