One of the questions people ask me once I share my testimony with them about marriage is, “What did you do to finally marry the right person?”
My answer is always the same. I got desperate and serious with God.
We all tend to think what we’ve been through is not a big deal, but it is. Especially if you come out smelling of the goodness of God, it is a super-duper BIG DEAL.
I will never take God’s blessings for granted, ever!
So I was at a stage in my life that I had everything else going for me except for one thing. Marriage. I was in my mid-30’s and that was the only thing missing from my life. I didn’t want another career or another weight loss idea. I didn’t need a manicure and pedicure, or a designer bag. I didn’t want another expensive holiday. Not even more money could fill that yearning that I had to be married and have children.
When you are ready, you know it. You no longer feel like hanging with your single friends. Yet at the same time you feel out-of-place when you’re with your married friends.
You start wondering, “What else is there to do that I haven’t done before?” You don’t want to go clubbing. You’re tired of being the only friend that’s being set up with another single brother.
You know that he is out there but don’t have a clue how to go about finding him. Well that was me six years ago. If this sounds like you KEEP READING.
1. Be Honest With Yourself
First things first. Honesty. I had to admit to myself that it was no longer cool for ME to be single. I was ready for the next stage of my life to begin. My friends didn’t want to hear my talk of settling down since it made me appear desperate. This also reminded them of the things they didn’t want to focus on in their own lives. My priorities were different from theirs, which is ok. The truth you know will set you free….
2. Run to God
I took my desperate self to seek God. That was the place where my answer was found.
Desperate situations always call for desperate measures. Whenever you want something that you have never had before, you must be prepared to do something you have never done before. Even if others think you are desperate.
I stopped talking to my girlfriends and started having daily talk with God. I poured out my heart’s desires to Him. All the things I could not share with my friends I shared with Him. There was a lot of crying, too. Whenever you seek God genuinely he will always reveal things to you about you that need to die first. God gradually worked on my heart, my pride, my arrogance, my big mouth, and my past hurt and pain that I was dragging with me everywhere. He told me that where I was going, I could not bring that baggage with me and I had to leave it behind. I had to stop faking it too. Oh, how I faked happiness, confidence and the life of the party all day long. It was a lot of hard work faking it, I can tell you that!
I had to take off the entire false persona I used to protect myself from being hurt by people and allowed myself to be vulnerable all over again.
Not once did God tell me to stop talking to Him about my husband and children, or stop being desperate.
3. Get Rid of the Girlfriends and Replace Them With Experienced Mammas
This was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Girls just talk, talk and talk some more about things they sometimes don’t have any idea of. I was bored to death talking about things that didn’t get me anywhere. I realized that I needed to get with women that had been through what I was going through and could share powerful insights and wisdom with me.
Girlfriends are good but you are not all at the same stage of life. As much as your girlfriends mean well, sometimes they are just as clueless as you. They also tend to give you advice from their perspective. Well, that won’t work if you are ready to marry and they don’t think it’s a big deal!
These women saved me by telling me the truth. My girlfriends couldn’t tell me the real truth about myself because they were not able to recognize those faults in me nor in themselves.
These women shared with me the truth about men; They taught me why men act the way they do, why they have loads of ego, what men want from women, what is important to men, how to wear many hats when dealing with a man, how to talk to the king in him and get a king’s response…
Ladies, your man is not your girlfriend. Maybe in the early stage you can treat him like one and talk to him like one. That will soon change. Are you prepared for the next stage of your relationship?
I learned how to be submissive and be the helper. Being submissive doesn’t make you a fool. Being the helper doesn’t make you weak. They shared with me insights on how to truly help him without any self motives or agenda and in return he can tell you anything without you playing Delilah and nagging it out of him.
You really can learn a lot from older, experienced women. If you have two of them in your life, you have more than enough.
You have to be very patience in dealing with them. They are not your girlfriends. They are your mentors and you should defer to them in respect.
Their time is very precious because they are the CEO’s of their homes. They might not have time for you daily, but when they do, they give you nuggets of gold. I remember many conversations with them and their children kicking off in the background. Oh Lord, those were the days.
There is no way my single girlfriends could have known all that. This stuff was not written in women’s magazines either.
4. Be Teachable
It is easy to desire to learn from mature and experience women. But are you prepared to submit to them? Are you prepared to deal with the truth they are about to share with you? How will you respond to their correction?
You will find out if you are a lone ranger or a team player. You had been single all this time and you might have forgotten how to operate in a partnership. Are you willing to let your guard down? Can you trust someone else and be open and real? Are you ready to leave your bad attitude, let someone speak truth into your life and minister the love of God into you? You need it.
Can you ignore a little discomfort for the goal that is in front of you? Are you really, really ready? Don’t be wasting these women’s time because they mean business.
5. Make The List
I believed that I grew up after my encounter with God and experience with mammas.
The next step was making my list. The bible says write the vision down and make it plain. (Habakkuk 2:2)
How can you know what you are looking for even if it’s standing before you if you haven’t taken the time out to seek God about it? As a result of my time with God and the mammas, I realized that I was asking for the wrong kind of man before. Thank God he didn’t grant my prayers earlier! Now that I had more information and insight I was able to make a proper list.
I had to remove “He must be handsome, he must dress well, and he must have a good sense of humor” from the list. Forget about making me laugh if he’s still telling me the same jokes year after year.
The new list was different. “He has to be a man after God’s heart, a worshipper and an intercessor and have a gentle spirit.
Yes, I got everything on my list and much more. The most amazing part was it didn’t take forever! This was one of my fears. I met my husband and within one year we were married.
When God is in it, boy it is way too easy.
6. Stay Focused and Have Faith
This point is the most difficult for most people, especially if you are a control freak! Most people won’t even admit that they are. Well, I too didn’t think I was one until I had to learn to wait on God.
When you have done all the above, you have to stay focused on your goal and have faith that God will bring it to pass. When you are walking with God, it is going to be in His timing. Sometimes it seems like nothing is working and that it’s all a waste of time. Stay focused and have faith. Learn to chill out and do something different. Remember you have tried your own way and that didn’t get you anywhere.
Your attitude now will determine how long before you get there. Believe me when I say this, it doesn’t always make sense when you walk with God. His ways are not our ways. I promise you He is never late but always on time.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
It will all make sense when you are happily married and you now have those children that turn everything in your life upside down. Children are another subject! And they don’t come with any manual.