Singles Talk: Who Should Pay?

While Adey and I were courting, we saw each other on and off about 5 times before I eventually move to America to plan our wedding. I was living in London while we were dating and I paid for all my travelling expenses. It never occurred to me to ask him and he didn’t offer to pay for my flight either.

Y’all know I was a desperado right? Oh yeah! I knew what I wanted and I was going for it and nothing was going to get in my way. Not even who pays for what.

I was single and fabulous (still fabulous) and I had my own money. It never occurred to me to ask at all.

In all honesty I figured that once I am in, I will be greatly reimbursed for all my costs, lol. For real too, I wanted babies and a happy marriage as my reimbursement. (Which he’s awesomely doing) Not cash and gift that I would spend in no time (that he’s also doing) and didn’t have any lasting value.

So this was what happened to my girl friend, she met Mr. Right (me think) but he didn’t offer to pay for her flight or any of her travelling expenses and she was not happy about it. She also felt that he should be calling more; she didn’t try too hard herself because she believed that was his job.

To cut a long boring story short, she dropped him. Who was at fault? What really are the rules of long distance dating?

Sometimes we have to be careful and not be too hasty in our “kicking him to the curb”. It takes time to know someone and you can’t afford to judge them too quickly and reaching wrong assumption.

What if the brother is watching out for a “gold digger”? What if he had been down that road before and was taken to the cleaners? You never know where someone is coming from or what shaped their thinking.

Talk back to me folks!! Can’t wait to read your comments!

About Buky

Buky is a ''Desperado after God". She is married to Adey and together they are raising 3 amazing children. She is a natural encourager & she loves to share practical experiences with others. She enjoys writing, reading, dabbling in stock trading, hanging out with friends and serving the body of Christ.

31 Comments

  1. "he didn’t offer to pay for her flight or any of her travelling expenses and she was not happy about it. She also felt that he should be calling more; she didn’t try too hard herself because she believed that was his job"

    The unfortunate part of this incident is that both had not discussed what was expected of each other – lack of communications and really on the lady's part. If she expects something, she ought to come out and say it as opposed to expecting someone to read her mind. I appreciate the fact that she's trying to play the part of a lady, but that action or expectation is rooted in tradition. People need to stop waiting for the action of the other before they do something.

    You, Bukky knew what you wanted and you went for it and you are enjoying that now.

    Most women always claim that men should know, men should make the first move, etc., have they considered that the man may not be the aggressive kind? but that does not mean the guy does not love or a ls not capable of doing the right thing.

    I for one believe if, as a lady, you have someone that you love, please go for it. You have yourself only to blame if you wait and somebody or something snatch him away from you. There are no hard and fast rules here. The only thing that rules is LOVE – How desperate do you want it?

  2. In the one instance that I *dated* someone long distance — me in NY, him in London — I paid for my flights to visit him (staying with him most of the time, but did get a hotel room my first and last night in London for convenience purposes). Likewise, when he came to NY, he paid for his flight and stayed with me.

    I had no expectations that he would pay for my flight, nor did he think I would cough up money for him to visit. We also took turns paying for meals, etc.

    I think all relationships, far and near, are give and take. Sometimes you pay, sometimes I do. That's a sign of being partners in the relationship.

  3. It does not matter WHO you love, it is HOW you love him/her that matters…. that's a phrase that comes to my mind when issues like this comes up.

    Issues of calling/paying and so on have been a topical issue especially with ladies from our end. I strongly want to believe without disrespect to those that grew up back home that your thinking was shaped by the society in which you have stayed for a long time.

    Personally, I believe that we should be each others helper(i mean a symbiotic relationship), complementing each other. The issue of distance is not the problem with people like that, it's the mentality that the man should pick all the bills, but what they don't realise is that it never work out that way in the real life of today. Even when I was growing up, I still remember my Mum taking care of some bills without asking for a refund. I am not saying that should be the idea thing to do, but we can't do without making a sacrifice for any relationship to work.

    We need to also bear in mind that the guy picks all the bill does not guarantee the success of the relationship at times. A man simply appreciates a helping hand just as God has ordained the woman to be when He created her. The target of any man is to have a woman that turns his house to a HOME….and this cannot be achieved with a woman who simply wants the man to pick all the bills.

    If paying for the ticket will make you get everlasting happiness in your marriage I don't think it's too much of a price to pay, after we spend on some relationships and they still don't work out the way we wanted.

    May God help us as we seek to find our Mr/Mrs. Right….

  4. Though i can't vividly remember who paid for what when i was dating my husband, but i am sure he paid for most of the outings. I am still a firm believer of equal opportunity and both parties should be willing to chip in when needed. Now with that being said, some guys cannot handle woman that are independent and are readily willing to foot a bill accrued by both parties. The man thinks that the lady is too forward and always want to prove that she can take care of herself and the guy included by always offering to pay for their outings. In this case, what do you do or say to that because truly women are more independent these days and i don't think that men should be threatened by that. Both parties should be willing to share the burden of the cost. Of course left to me i wouldn't mind if he offers to pay for everything, i will just pick up the bill next time for a checkmate.

  5. I dated my husband long distance before marrying him, and i believe he paid for most of the outings and the air tickets. I don't believe the guy must always pay for the tickets, but i also don't see anything wrong if the lady needs a little help in paying for the tickets either. Some ladies pay for their guy's ticket if he doesn't have a job or is not as financially stable as as them. I don't see anything wrong with that as long as the guy doesn't take advantage of her. I had a friend who always had to pay for their outings or pay for herself when the guy could afford his own bill…he never paid for her movie ticket or her part of the meal at the restaurant. Relationships are about sharing and completing each other, anyone can foot the bill as long as it makes them happy.

  6. I actually think this issue has two sides to it, in my case, my husband like to pick all the bills but he doesn't feel anyway bad when you decide to pay for something. I do not believe that anyone should break up a relationship just because of that, i have a feeling that it was just an excuse to say good radiance to bad rubbish. While I was dating my husband,as unserious as i thought i was then, we new eachother quite well,so things like paying bills could not cause frictions between us. I know that if i had to make atrip to see him but i can not afford it, i would just tell him and if he can't afford it too at that time, we will get by. I want to believe that if a guy should treat you like the queen that you are, you won't even remember how much it cost you to travel, you will just be happy to be around him. As much as i do not believe that the man must always pick the bills (i mind though), i still don't want to judge that sister because if you are not in it, you can not feel it. Maybe there is more to it than others can see.
    On a lighter moon, if you are spending so much money to go and visit someone and you don't feel that the whole thing is worth the while, you might begin to calculate the cost of your trips……..lol
    Cheers

  7. Mo, I couldnt agree more, it shouldnt be a reason to break up a relationship.

  8. Blimey, the whole essence of dating is to get to know each other very well. Some men can handle independent women and others cant.

  9. Abayomi,

    You made several good points which i agreed with. We are shaped by our upbringing and the world we are exposed to.
    Every woman want to be treated like the queen and there is nothing wrong with that. Adey showed it in different ways other than paying for my travelling expenses, he paid for every other thing while courting.
    That being said we should help one another, it doesnt all have to be monetary.

  10. IfuseekAmy, Good point relationship is give and take and a sign of being partner. We have to treat each case individually. Thanks for your contribution.

  11. Joshua,
    Excellent point, we didnt discuss who will pay for travelling expenses but he picked up the tab for everything else. It didnt bother me so I had no reason to bring it up with him.
    Communication is the key, men are not mind reader.
    I am glad it wasnt my issue while we were dating. Adey is the most generous man I know and if that was my focus, i would have missed out on a great man.
    Sometimes we need to keep our eyes on the longterm and not be shortsighted.

  12. Interesting discussion:). I think each couple should determine the specific details of their own relationship… The importance of constant communication and a mutual understanding of expectations cannot be overstressed in any relationship that will remain successful.

    But yep, I think ideally each couple should figure out the specific details of who does what, depending on their own situation:).

    Nice to read different views on this topic…

    🙂

  13. Thanks Bomi, Communication, communication and more communication is the key! I am enjoying all the different views too. Thank you

  14. Having had an 8 year long distance relationship spanning London and Lagos, got married and are still happily married, (By God's grace, it’s not our power…) I honestly can’t remember it ever being an issue with us. I don't think they were really into each other big time in the first place; Sounds like they were both still playing the field and had others in the pipeline anyways.

    Dealing with the issue its man's place to call… Nigeria being a paternal society I can understand why these erroneous mindsets are assumed. I was in a room with 4 men and we were all discussing our personal experiences of watching our Dads and Mums play out their relationships, and not one of us could say my Mum and Dad had a good relationship, all our stories was that of dysfunction, disappointment and pain. In the end we all had to blame the philosophy of the culture they all subscribed to as the main culprit of their demise.

    My point – mindsets like “Its man’s place to call”… “A woman’s place is in the kitchen”… “Women take care of the children, while dads are out in the field”… “Men do this, Women do that”… Should never be dogmas to live by. All we have to do is look at the lives of those that lived by that code, in my experience I wouldn’t wish the outcome on my enemy.

    If there is any culture for all cultures to subscribe to, it’s got to be "The Christ’s culture". I am saying this as someone who wouldn’t still be married today if not for Christ’s influence and intervening at crucial times! So in dating, courting and marriage if the foundation is not Christ, then watch out for something that might start well but will end badly. Imagine if the focus of both parties in your story were Christ, then the issue will quickly become a non issue because the "Motive" for doing or not doing, paying or not paying will be very different, wouldn’t it?

  15. EBD, Thank you very much for your comment "Relationships are about sharing and completing each other, anyone can foot the bill as long as it makes them happy".

    Everyone must communicate what works for them and not try to be like another couple because it might not work.

    I am so loving everyone contribution on this, thanks

  16. hmmmm…I think your friend was a bit too hasty in her decision…what if the guy didn't offer to pay for her flight ticket because he thought she might be offended if he did…you know the "equality" thingy…

    All couple matters come down to communication, especially when it's a LDR…so she should probably have asked (in a light, funny manner) "so how r we financing these trips?"…and then take it from there…

  17. Anoda Phase, Lol, I like how you put it, in a funny manner asked for the financing of the trip. And why not, we all need to have a sense of humour about these things and learn to communicate well.

  18. Akin, i thank God that you are happily married and I pray it stays that way forever.

    Thank you for pointing out "The Christ Culture" our focus should always be on Jesus and he should be the perfect example that we look unto. Thanks for taking the time.

  19. Long distance dating is complicated. Dating is complicated, period. When two people are in a long distance relationship, one of the wrinkles is often the fact that both of them may not be on the same page at the same time. One may think they are in a relationship, and the other may think they are "exploring". When these two people are Christians, it is important to be sure they are not just "sampling", and have the same intention.

    If they are both sure that they are committed to each other and are not just dating but "courting" the rules kind of change. They begin to have only one focus…unity. The issue of who pays may indicate a problem, and it might not. If the guy can't afford to pay, then whoever can afford should pay. If the man can afford it and does not offer to pay, AND also is infrequent in his calls and attention, that should be a red flag.

    During courtship, the desire of the man should be the woman. She should not be in pursuit of him, either by phone or internet. At the minimum, it should be mutual. If the man is reluctant and reticent at a time when emotions should be running high and hot, it is not likely to get better. The lady should take a deep breath and re-assess the situation.

    I guess what I am saying is that the issue goes deeper than "who pays". It may be a symptom of other realities, and it may not.

  20. Amen Ooooo!!!!

  21. I don,t know what love is but i guess true love willingly shares things in common, no matter the personality involved. If the man deem it fit to foot anybill for his spouse vice versa,i think it is love. But in any case of an agitation or anxiety, it should be made known for correction and understanding. But for the lady who pissed off the guy, i guess she wasn,t really in love with the guy, she was just patching up. I admire you for following your heart.

  22. Hi Bola, i find it interesting that you wrote "During courtship, the desire of the man should be the woman. She should not be in pursuit of him, either by phone or internet" Can i ask why the woman must not pursue?

    I know you also balanced it with "At minimum, it should be mutual". We all accept men pursue, why can't women also pursue? Just curious to know.

  23. I dont think I agree with that view point that the woman during courtship should be in pursuit of him either by phone or internet? How else is the brother suppose to know that the sister is at least interested in him?

    If the brother pursuit her using internet and telephone the least she can do is reply him and give him some indication that she is also keen.

    I have met and spoken to a few sisters in their 40's, who gave their lives to Christ pretty early and the church they attended taught them all they needed to do was "watch and pray". Well they did that and the brothers just kept marrying other women while these sisters were believing for them but brothers were not aware.

    Faith without action is dead. Even sisters need to put a little action to it. You cant stay in doors and expect prince charming to smell the red rose flower in the house.

    This is the year 2000 things are done just slightly different.

  24. I'm so tempted to say this your friend Aunty B is not serious and is not yet ready. But on second thoughts, that may be something she really cannot stand. I for one might not mind but I would hate certain things in guys which others might call ridiculous.

    As for who should pay, I think the guy is the provider. I'm very old fashioned. I believe in a submissive wife and a loving husband. I believe in a home-making wife and a providing husband.

    Naturally, this means the man has to pay but on the other hand, if he is low on cash, I understand. However, if he has a mentality of 'we share bills 50-50', no can do! Just my thought.

  25. Dicey….

    However, in relationships there are 'no duties' except, expression of love one to the other. Now, love is expressed in differing ways by different people.

    Finally, in this case (in my opinion) 'twas an issue of lack of communication. Oftentimes, we assume the other person should know (are they God?). Guess we should be very expressive in our communication.

  26. Thank you for pointing our "Love Languages". Honestly that is something I'd not thought about myself! Yes, communication is the key, it seems so simple but one of the reasons why relationship fails is due to lack of communication.

    I am learning to communicate better myself with my friends and it will be top on my list in 2011.

    Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts with us, come back again soon.

  27. well, my last girlfriend stays somewhere not too far away from me(within Lagos) and she has to use cab when coming over which she pays for ofcos but when she's going back, i always ensure i give her to and fro fare but some other times,i just pay for her to go back….it's a trivial issue such that it shouldn't cause a friction in a r/ship.But i believe if a guy pays most times, it sorts of boost his ego and make his woman feels pampered.

  28. BC, I dont think it is a ground for ending a relationship. I just hope we all dont get short sighted and miss the big picture. I guess everyone must do what makes them happy. Women certainly need to be pampered and I am absolutely enjoying that and much more.

    Thank you for sharing and have a great weakend.

  29. Men will be caught when they want to be caught. When ladies go in pursuit of men who are not interested, they come back and cry when the guy finds someone he really wants and he goes after her. Then they complain that he led them on.

    I did not say anything about the lady responding to the guy's interests. She should certainly let him know, if she's interested. If she's not interested, she should also say so.

    No reason in chasing after a guy who says he's interested in you and then you have to start chasing him around. That smacks of desperation. If he's interested, you wont have to chase after him.

    No reason to play "hard to get" either. It's childish.

    But if you're calling several times a week, e mailing frequently, and texting ever so often, and he's not responding, I stand by my position, take the hint: he's not interested. If the interest is not mutual, don't pursue him.

  30. true … one has to understand where the man is coming from. a male friend told me once that his date was offended at his offer to finance some things.
    I had a male friend once that I invited to hang out and I said "we will go dutch". I said this cos I knew my friend wasnt doing too good financially at that point. I believe he felt a little bit slighted, even though my intentions were good. I had to bring it up at another time and I told him the truth why I did it and we laughed over it.
    Communication is key.

  31. Ola, Thanks for sharing those examples with us. I know others will really learn from it. We cant just assume that All guys are the same and we must learn to communicate better. What will work for me might not work for another lady. We must not judge too quickly and put everyone in the same category.

    Thanks for sharing those examples, cheers!

Add New Comment