Everyone Is Pregnant Except ME – Part 1.

This entry is part 1 of 2 in the seriesEveryone Is Pregnant

Everyone is pregnant except me! That was my outburst to Adey on returning from Deerbrook Mall in 2006. With tears rolling down my face, I don’t know how much of this I can honestly take on.

You might have mistaken the mall for some type of “Stroller Olympics” or a “Stroller Convention”.

I have never seen so many pregnant women, in one place, or so many moms pushing their strollers while pregnant too.

I don’t remember why I went to the mall, but I returned empty handed because I just couldn’t handle all the pregnancies. Yes, I may be exaggerating a little but all I saw were pregnant women at every turn.

We had just been married less than a year, and I desired to have children on our wedding night, if it was possible.  My world view was shaped by my own desire to get pregnant ASAP! All I saw were pregnant women everywhere all the time.

I bet you are wondering, why was I so desperate to get pregnant so soon?

In other to understand the present or future, we must sometimes take a step back into the past. However much we don’t want to re-live those horrible feelings and experiences.

Travel back with me to 1995, girl meet boy and got married and they lived happily ever after? No, that is what we all hoped but that didn’t happen. I never consulted God or anyone about anything. Oh I consulted my clueless self!! I was in love and I know it all; yes that about summed me up back then.

It lasted 5yrs which I must say is a miracle in itself. This is not your “slag off” your ex post, I am 10 yrs older and wiser. I am too blessed to stay in Egypt and I am a Victor, not a Victim.

In that 5 years I discovered that I was not able to conceive. What in life really prepares you for infertility? Is there a school that one is taught how to deal with it?

To add salt to injury, my ex outlaws called me a barren and a failure. Those words would haunt me like I never knew.

To make matters worse, the doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with me. I remembered thinking to myself; maybe if I can give this thing a name, it will make me feel better. I was told that there was nothing physically wrong with me but still I wasn’t able to conceive.

Now, here we are in 2006 and less than a year that I had been married to Adey. I am a new bride with the world on my shoulder. “This time was going to be different I kept telling myself” For sure history will not repeat itself, affliction will not rise up a second time. Nahum1:9b.

Every day was a struggle for me, and I constantly heard the voice of defeat, the voice of the enemy and the past trying to penetrate into my world. I started feeling the shame of not being able to conceive all over again. There was fear on every side, how long will this go on for? I hoped I wouldn’t lose my mind. 

Even though I was happily married and there was no pressure from Adey or his family. Yet I allowed the past to continue to hold me in captive. It didn’t feel like I was new to this, it felt like this was the 6th year!

I had been here before; I remember the pain of finding out every month that I am still not pregnant. I remember the amount of money I’d invested on pregnancy tests. I remember trying different brands, thinking, “Just maybe this will work for me this time.”  I even went as far as to talk myself out of even wanting a child! What did I know about babies after all?

How I’d cried before attending a baby shower just so that my emotions wouldn’t get the better of me while I was there.

The fear of being overweight also haunted me, I remembered in the past how depressed I was and I turned to food for comfort. Then I despised myself for not being able to get a grip on my life. Not only couldn’t I have a child, now I have also gained weight, which is not conducive for getting pregnant! Obesity is also an issue that reduces the chances of getting pregnant.

You can change your location; change your friends or even give yourself a new name and identity. Underneath all of that, you are who you are, unless you go to God to deliver you from the past and renew your mind, it’s just going to invade our lives all over again.

I’d placed so much on having a baby that I believed that once I get pregnant everything will be ok. Really? Children are NOT the answer to our happiness, God is.

I put so much pressure on myself, like I had something to prove to the world that “Yes I am a MOM.”

That was me seeing the world from the wrong perspective, seeing the world from a human perspective.

If this is you today, if this story resonates with you, then you know what I am talking about. Your pain is not distant from God. We do not have a High priest that can not relate to our infirmities. There is nothing you are going thru that God isn’t aware of. Is59.1

Some of you have believed God for a long time, some 10, 20 years. I will not claim that I know how you feel, but God knows how you feel.

I know your tears, those that you shed in secrecy. I understand that you can’t bring yourself to attend yet another baby shower, even though they are for your very good friend. You are not envious of your friend, you are happy for her, but you can’t help but wonder. You ask God, “When is my turn? I am always celebrating others, when will I be celebrated?” You couldn’t care less for the gifts, just the joy of feeling a baby move in your stomach and holding that child.

Most of my friends have stopped having babies and am just starting, comparing myself to others only leads to more depression

I know you think about how you can’t wait to endure the nausea, morning sickness and all the gross stuff other women complained about.  How you wanted to scream at the top of your lungs, “I’d go through fire just to have that one child!?!?!”

What you wouldn’t give just to be pregnant! You don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, because a healthy baby is all that you desire. Is there anything too big for God to do? Nothing is impossible for God, so when is your own time, you have probably wondered.

To be continue…………..

Series NavigationEveryone is Pregnant except ME – Part 2. >>

About Buky

Buky is a ''Desperado after God". She is married to Adey and together they are raising 3 amazing children. She is a natural encourager & she loves to share practical experiences with others. She enjoys writing, reading, dabbling in stock trading, hanging out with friends and serving the body of Christ.

25 Comments

  1. Great one again Buky…. I'll simply say we should stop 'acting God' just like the title of 1 of my notes…. HE surely knows best.

    For everyone of us that is facing one challenge or the other the good Lord will surely smile on us all this very season IJN…. (Amen)

  2. Hmm…. What can I say,this has been my story for 6 years,I have seasons of depression,denial,anger fear,lies.
    Infact If I write anything I'd be re-posting the entire blog.
    What I have however learnt is when one part of your life isn't working as it were;don't SHUT DOWN your entire life.
    Cause life is happening! Its time to discover yourself,your purpose and your God.
    You'll discover many new amazings things about yourself-you're a special kind,don't waste time by groaning and moaning.
    In my part of the country-where I live,the society tells such women to their faces-YOU'RE BARREN.
    Infact they do it so well(lol…) that you won't have to put pressure on yourself anymore.
    They help you feel miserable,but the truth is its just a trial that will soon go.
    Let me just give you a few tips that might help any woman going through this phase(these things helped me)
    ~ try all the tests
    ~ get friends that help you to live(dis kind of people you discover them)
    ~ if baby showers get u depressed stop going
    ~ stop talking about the delay
    ~ do the things you love
    ~ communicate freely with your partner/husband
    You may not agree entirely with my guides,but they helped me.
    Now people meet me and say they don't even know I don't have kids-not becos I'm in denial,but because my life is happening and have over shadowed that singular part that isn't happening yet.

  3. It's so hard to leave a response to this deeply touching topic. But I will try. I take my hat off for you ladies willing to share of yourself with such wisdom, and giving as we all know sets us up for manifold blessings, may God bless you as you share and help others through their own valleys,wildernesses, and shadows of darkness.

  4. It is not easy to wait on God for certain blessings in life especially when it seems everyone else around you is getting these blessings.While I am waiting to get married I have chosen to let God bless whoever He wants to and not get jealous about it. Instead I am learning to celebrate the blessings of others while I wait for mine because I am so confident without doubt that it will come.

    Buki, thank you for this post. I wish more women in 'God's waiting room' could read your post because a lot of them need to be encouraged. I am also a strong believer in the fact that most times when blessings are delayed, there is a reason. GOD bless you. Saw your comment on my post.God works in mysterious ways. Have a delightful December.

  5. Thanks, He surely knows best

  6. Lara, thanks for sharing. We all have to find different ways of coping. God is faithful regardless.

    In my own case I couldnt focus on anything esle; maybe my past experience with infertility and my age also played a part. I was the woman that wont leave God alone, I was consumed with being a mother. Nothing else mattered to me and I am not saying that is how it should be done. I am just being honest about my experience.

    I know now that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose. Every name I was called and labelled hurt deeply into my bones. They also helped me in being determined that those names are not for me.

    What indeed they meant for evil is what God turned for my good.

    Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you. Hold on to the testimony you want, remember that we serve a God that knows the end from the beginning. I had to hold on to the end of my testimony even before it happened.

    Keep your eyes on your testimony, write your testimony down, travel into the future and see those babies driving you bonkers and turning the place upside down. I cant recount how many times i pretended to be standing in front of an audience sharing my testimony. It was so real to me that I kept changing my testimonies many times. Guess what I know it now like the back of my hands and now we are adding new chapters to it.

    We often forget that our husbands are feeling the same pain too. I thank God for all our wonderful awesome brothers that God blessed us with. They are the silent warriors in all of this, may God continue to bless them mightily

  7. Akin, God gives the strength to go thru it and overcome it. When we are weak, He is strong and on His strength we lean upon

  8. In tough time we know how real this God that we serve truly is.

  9. Thanks for sharing! My brother has been married for 7yrs and he and his wife are still looking up to God for the fruit of the womb. I know God's time is the best and he'll surely make their heart desires come to pass just like he did for you.

  10. Thanks for sharing and for giving us hope. The most important thing during this time of waiting is to have a husband that is understanding and loves you regardless. This wait shall definitely pass just like every other storm that has come before it. God is faithful and we must keep that in focus. Celebrate your friends and families that have what you want and enjoy your life because when it happens, you don't want to say i should have had fun if i knew it was going to happen this quick!! I look at my sister and friends that have kids and learn from them as much as i can because i know the promises of God are yea and Amen! Every word of God proves true, so stand on his word and declare it boldly!

  11. EBD, thank you for sharing that and I know that very soon there will be shouts of joy and celebration ringing in their home in Jesus name. Thank God for wonderful husband who regardless stick it out with their wives, because I know it isnt always so. May God grant them their heart desires, Amen.

  12. Blimey, Once we put our trust in God, He will never shame us. You have touched one the second most important point which is for our husbands to be strong and protect us. We need their love, understanding and protection. Part of husband's role is to cover his wife, not allowing mean spirit friends and family putting additional pressure on the woman that is already under a lot of pressure to deliver.

    Holding on to God's word even when it seems like it is not working is how we exercise our faith walk. We must put our trust in God not man. Children are from God not man.

  13. Thanks Buki i have been really blessed once again and i believe that this particular story or blog will get testimonies from womwn who have been blessed soon. … that includes me IJN. Amen

  14. I am touched by the open sharing of your life, switz. it has me thinking more and more of dropping my alias and allowing myself to share like you do. Your life's story encourages me when the evidence of my eyes, logic and every sense say what i am praying for is impossible…

  15. hmmmmmmm, buky i have read the part 2 of this piece and i had to come back to read the 1st part and i must confess it is right to the point. I have never been married but in the part of the world that i stay , i have friends that have been , and after fewm months become so stressed over the issue of pregnancy,your experience is one , every waiting woman should read, thanks for listening to Jesus

  16. Tolu, I am so blessed to have met you online but you are fast becoming more than that. The "waiting issue" affect alot of women and it can be a very testing and frustrating season in life. I know that God is faithful and He is always on time. I pray that when you are ready to marry and have children you will never get to experience it in Jesus name. Now is the time to pray against such before you say "I Do"

  17. Mo, Thank you and I agree with you that this post will bless others and soon we will have testimonies from women all over the world about God's faithfulness.

    I pray that you will be amongst them and your joy will be permanent in Jesus's name, amen

  18. Cyruswoman. Your comment blessed me, thank you. Everyone of us must at one point pick up our cross and share the goodness of God one way or the other. This is my way of letting others know what God has done for us and I know that every of our life stories will bless someone out there.

    I love your blog and thank you for being inspired.

  19. Bukky,l didn't realise this was your own real LIFE experience until now.The LORD is your strenght.

    This is one topic l am most passionate about because l have been down this road til God decided it was time for me to handle a precious life called Oluwabukunmi after 7yrs of marriage.

    My sincere advice to all the real women out there is please get hold of yourselves,love life and love God.The moment i decided i was not going to be drowned and consumed in this 'issue',it happened!

    And by HIS grace l shall testify once again next year and celebrate 10th year of my marriage.Done deal sisters!

  20. Bola, thank you for sharing your experience and testimony with us. Isnt God faithful? So happy and overjoy for you and your family.
    I bet you can write an epistle yourself, after 7yrs of marriage! The Lord is faithful indeed.
    Your joy will be complete, the Lord will give you a new song and shout of joy and praises will never depart from your home.

    Yes, it is done sister. Happy 10 yrs in advance, many more happy years ahead for your marriage.

    Regards
    Buky

  21. Pingback: Helpful Tips – while you wait on God « From Average to Amazing

  22. @Lara:

    Your approach to life really resonates with me. I applaud you for that. It takes great faith to be able to do that and that's what God is looking for in us. We should not serve God because of what we can get from him, but because of who he is. You mentioned the main concern I have with women going through these issues. While I want them to understand that I do not and never will make light of this issue, as i am not a woman, one thing I have often seen in women that are going through this is that they NEGLECT every other aspect of their lives, including their husband that may also be hurting with them, but not showing it. Children are a gift from the Lord and he will give to everybody, he said none shall be barren in the land and if he say so, then it shall be. The question now is what are we doing to get in his way. Once we have learnt to let go and let GOD, then what seems impossible becomes possible. Lara, once again i applaud you, you are such an inspiration and I pray that women all over, going through this, will see and emulate your action. God bless you. I join myself with you and your husband and all other couples in prayer that shortly, you all will shout for JOY for that which the Lord has done and you all will testify for the world to see. In the meantime Sister Lara, enjoy your husband and all that the Lord has blessed you with. A grateful heart always receives more. Sister, you are Da Bomb 🙂 Have a wonder-full and wonder-filled day.

  23. Joshua,

    Thank you so much for your reply to Lara. I couldnt have put it better myself.

  24. Pingback: Its My Day. « From Average to Amazing

  25. I went through this myself for 12 yrs before my daughter. I can so relate. All I can say is thank God the story is different today. Thank God for your life.

Add New Comment