So You Want To Get Married?

This post is to my younger self, this was a conversation I wished someone had with me before I ever got married the first time. A little bit of background info to help make thing clearer to you as for why I should have had this dressing down talk.

I left home (Lagos, Nigeria) when I was 17 years old for London, England. I lived with my older brother for a short time and ever since then I’ve lived by myself. I thought being born in a Christian family and attending church a handful time a year made me a Christian.

No one wanted their freedom as much as I did. I had no clue of how to handle this new-found ”freedom”. Remembering now make me see how unguided I was, I lived my life on my own very terms. A lot of bad decisions leading to bad consequences.

Please, I am not asking for sympathy or putting blames on others. I made my bed and I lied on it too. Getting to lie on this bed is a decision everyone must get to at a point in time.

Who really taught me how to be a wife or even a young lady? My folks were far away and really can’t see the stuff I was getting up to. Great for them, but not great for me.

Then one day out of the blue I thought I was in love and we were going to live forever in love, right?

If I had the chance to talk to my younger self today. I would say the following?

What makes you think that you are ready for marriage?

What do you know about being a wife, a partner and working as a team?

What are you bringing to the table? What do you have to offer to your husband?

What do you know about a man? Do you understand the male species at all?

Do you know who you are and what are your strengths and weaknesses?

Are you complete in yourself first, to be joined to another person?

What are your core and moral values, what are your relationship deal breakers?

What role is God playing in your life and where are you in your walk with Christ?

Are you really a Christian by name only and what is the foundation of this supposed marriage?

Can you take criticism from others; can you take correction or direction?

Can you honor and obey; can you zip your big mouth and not have the last word always?

Do you love yourself? Would you marry you?

Do you like what you see and what you have/will become, can you live with you for the rest of your life?

I can honestly tell you now that I was so clueless it was unbelievable, and some of us are still clueless too. God forbid someone had this dressing down with me back then. I’d probably tell them off and avoid them for a while.

The truth is always the truth at all times , regardless if you agree or disagree. In time everyone knows who loved them enough to risk jeopardizing the relationship in order to minister truth in love. In time you will come to appreciate and respect them.

That is why you  shouldn’t stand for false friendship. Stop telling me what I want to hear, dare to tell me the true and get my feelings hurt. It’s better to get hurt for a short-term than to keep going round repeating the same madness

You and I cannot afford to keep going round in circles; we have got to put an end to the madness. I’d rather have no friends at all than have people who can’t tell me the truth.

But are you ready to receive it though? Can you be an adult and take it without no hissy fit?

Some of us can’t take the truth and that is why those who know you best are watching you make a fool of yourself. The last time they told you just a whinny little bit, what did you do? You threw it back in their faces and turned round throwing mud at them, using all the ammunitions and secrets that you knew about them against them.

How do I know this? Because I have been there love and sincerely don’t want you to walk that destructive road. How many more friendship must you ruin with that mouth of yours? Some of us can’t keep silent to save our lives! Well that won’t work in any relationship; you must be able to receive the truth! You must be teachable to enter God’s promises or else you are going to spend longer than you should in the wilderness.

I am also not waiting on others to tell me the truth. I am going to confront myself and deal with my issues. I am not waiting on my pastor, my husband or anyone else, I am going to fall on my face and cry out to God to reveal who I am to me. I am going to humble myself before the Lord and refuse to move until He answer me.

I am going to be like Jacob and cry from the depth of my soul, ‘’I will not let you go until you bless me, until you change my name, until you take the veil off my eyes and let me see who I am’’

One thing I’ve learned bitterly over the years is that we are the greatest liars to ourselves, we are the greatest obstacle to ourselves, we are just too proud to admit it. Stop blaming the devil for everything, yes he is evil. You are doing real good all by yourself and he hasn’t even started with you yet.

Quit running from your issues and take a look at you. I mean really take an in-depth look and analyze yourself . Dare to be naked and face the truth and deal with it.

Do you like what you see? If you don’t, then do something and quit complaining about it. If you do like what you see, love it and embrace it.

This year put yourself in the driving seat and makes your life ‘The Project’. You cannot afford not to do this. You cannot afford to pay those prices due to ignorant, childishness, pride and stubbornness. Stop procrastinating and face these tough questions now.

Just because you think you are ready for marriage does not mean you are. You might like the idea of marriage but have no clue about it.

Age is not also a yardstick for getting married. I know some cool young couples in their early 20’s who have more common sense than me when I was 30 years old. They are married and happy, while others in their 30’s and 40’s can’t even stay together for 2 years.  Age is not maturity.

Most time we want to focus on the man, who he should be, how he should look, what kind of job he should have and can he take care of his business? Yeah yeah, those are great questions but you are not ready for that now.

You have to work on you first. Young lady, young man, deal with yourself first!

Those areas of weaknesses you see in yourself are just areas to be developed, ,listen and pay attention to them. Success in marriage is more than finding the right person. It’s being the right person. – Robert Browning

Your pretty face can open the door but your character and mouth will shut the door every time. The world is full of beautiful women, what else do you have to offer apart from your beauty?

Stop acting; you know you deserved an Academy award for the best actress in your category. You and I are not fooling anyone except ourselves.

This is the first step to getting real and dealing with your issues. You know what they are, stop lying to yourself!

I have had to do this myself, deal with my issues and I’ve still got some even now. I am not better than you or know it all. I have people in my life who will confront me even though I don’t like it. I have to listen to them because it’s for my good. I also know they are right!

My mouth has gotten me into a lot of trouble and also gotten me out of some. I’ve spent a lot of my time reading the book of Proverbs. The bible doesn’t lie, if you want understanding then get wisdom (prov 4:7). Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent (Prov 17:28) Hello!

Know thy issues and work on them. You are not going to possess God’s best without knowing who you are and identifying the areas you need to focus on.

Jacob had to be transformed  to be the father of the 12 tribes of Israel. He had to wrestle and contend with God at his time of desperate need. You cannot keep settling for less when you know it’s in your Father’s good pleasure to give you the best.

This is your desperate hour, your desperate year. Are you ready for your full inheritance? I am sounding the alarm for you to wake up and take your rightful place. It is your time to arise and shine for your light has come. And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you. For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth and deep darkness the people. But the Lord will arise over you, and His glory will be seen upon you (Isaiah 60:1-2)

About Buky

Buky is a ''Desperado after God". She is married to Adey and together they are raising 3 amazing children. She is a natural encourager & she loves to share practical experiences with others. She enjoys writing, reading, dabbling in stock trading, hanging out with friends and serving the body of Christ.

58 Comments

  1. Wise words here… I'm tweeting this pleases. 🙂

  2. Thanks Bukky, word in season!

  3. I like this post and thank you for sharing, however one of the things I've come to know is that getting married isn't some of kind of promotion or advanced level that one moves on to in life. I know plenty of spiritually-matured women with it altogether i.e, character wise who are still unmarried, if it were a case of qualifying for marriage then these women probably would've been married a long time ago. I do believe that one should prepare themelves for marriage but it doesn't mean to say that everyone who isn't already married aren't because their doing something wrong, most times its simply to do with God's timing, His ultimate purpose for that individuals life because there are many people who are married right now who really shouldn't be so their being married doesn't mean that its because they did something right.

    No one is ever ready for marriage as it is a continous, life-long learning process. Sometimes God will use marriage to force you to 'grow-up' but depending on His will and purpose for ones life He may insist that one is 'matured' prior to marriage.

    I always find it highly annoying whenever a married woman tells a single woman that she isn't ready for marriage. Its somewhat prideful afterall who made her judge? She doesn't know God's intentions concerning that single woman's life. No one has ever concluded that I'm not ready, or at least not to my face but it wouldn't be said of a woman wanting a child that she isn't ready to have a baby. My point is, one doesn't need to be qualified to receive such blessings from God. He doesn't bless us with such based on merit, afterall does He not bless unbelievers with spouse's, children , jobs, rain and sunlight? They are what they are…blessings and He bestows them to us according to His goodness, His grace. The only difference between that of a believer and an unbeliever is that God will use those blessings for His purpose.

  4. Bukky, a Happy New Year to you and your family (once again!).

    Words of wisdom.
    This will help those who have not gone down the route of making similar mistakes.
    This will also serve as a checkpoint for those who have already embarked on the journey and may or may not have issues, but certainly want to take stock.
    Well done as always.

  5. Poetoria, thanks for helping to spread the news!

  6. Omolara, May God continue to give us more words in this season, amen

  7. Daughter of Zion aka

    I love this topic. I must say this year is my year of working with God and chilling out. This few days alone has made me realise certain things about myself and character. I want to be better and be involve in doing better things for myself now and the future. I have started thinking and looking at things from a different level. I should work on myself to be the right person and when I think or people think am ready, I am not unitl he says I am.

    In some ways I feel ready, in some cases I dont, all I know is I will sumbit myself to him to work in me and develop me to better a individual in the areas I should. There is so much to learn under God's authority. I praise him for grace and support. Thanks for posting this, God bless you awesome woman of God.

  8. really really good post! wise words! just got to say it!
    right now i'm just having enough of all those friends telling me that i'm 24 and that i MUST start thinking about marriage!!!! hummmm! and what if i'm not ready! it doesn't matter!!! hum…
    right now i just feel like trying to be a better person, friend, dauhgter, having a real relationship with my GOD,!!! so reading ur post really helps me!thx again (erhhh…. sorry my english ain't dat good;lol)

  9. Saw your link @KOINONIA,…liked your honesty, so true on many points you raised here, well done. I have subscribed.

  10. I couldn't stop grinning reading this piece, there was a place where you wrote "Who really taught me how to be a wife or even a young lady?" I doubt if that's not the case for the most… Men folk never called me to one side and said "This is how you are to be a husband and a man…" Ages past, boys went through rites of passage into manhood, same for girls, the so called modern world soon put an end to all that didn't it.

    Praise God one had the Holy Spirit to guide one, without which one can see why the young men and women today seem to be lost on too many levels. Well done on this piece again the grace to share of yourself makes it pack a punch that it would otherwise lack. Bless.

  11. This post really spoke to me.

    Marriage has always been a special desire in my life. So I started observing married people and marriages. Now I'm even more convinced that "I'm not ready." But I'm not letting unreadiness (real or perceived) stop me. My theme for 2011 is "intentional living" – not just letting life happen to me, but setting out my plans so the Lord can determine my steps (Prov. 16:9) and either redirect me or make my steps firm (Psalm 37:23). So here I am actually learning about what it takes to be one of the people that makes a great marriage.

    Here's to actually answering these questions and not procrastinating:

    What makes you think that you are ready for marriage?
    I really don't know…I've always wanted it most in life.

    What do you know about being a wife, a partner and working as a team?
    I know that it's extremely important, but I have a hard time working as a team and prefer to work alone.

    What are you bringing to the table? What do you have to offer to your husband?
    I'm innovative/resourceful, and can support him "emotionally" when necessary. Currently finishing my BA and getting my JD in 2015 so that if something happens with my husband's job, I can pick up the slack!

    What do you know about a man? Do you understand the male species at all?
    I know a little about how to speak to a man – directly, yet with great care concerning the tone and timing. I also know that men feel loved and appreciated most when they feel/are respected. I need more real life examples of that, however. All, I've come up with is calling him Sir, Mister, etc. and encouraging them to make plans and lead.

    Do you know who you are and what are your strengths and weaknesses?
    I am a woman of God. Strengths: Determination, extremely detail-oriented, out-going, and compassionate. Weaknesses: Prideful, judgmental, fearful.

    Are you complete in yourself first, to be joined to another person?
    I define "completeness" to be: able to be alone without being lonely. So mostly yes. I recognize that God created us to be relational beings so I don't fight the urge to relate with others.

    What are your core and moral values, what are your relationship deal breakers?
    a) Jesus: Integrity/honesty, hard work, and compassion… b) not caring for others (like the homeless or needy – on top of the other obvious problems like infidelity).

    What role is God playing in your life and where are you in your walk with Christ?
    Right now, God is showing me about my critical/prideful heart (one of my major downfalls) and also about the grace he gives me. (Romans 2-4) Without receiving His grace, I cannot possibly give it out – which is the entire Christian walk in the world, and the key to stopping the bad habit!

    Are you really a Christian by name only and what is the foundation of this supposed marriage?
    Not a Christian by name only. The foundation of this marriage will be God, and I imagine him stretching and using us to fill people's needs. The image comes to mind: Isaiah 49:8-9

    Can you take criticism from others; can you take correction or direction?
    Not great at taking criticism because I have unrealistically high standards for myself and especially others, though, when I prepare myself for it, I receive it better. I resonated with the whole "friends" topic. I've reconsidered/slashed friendships based on their willingness to be real with me and for me to be real with them.

    Can you honor and obey; can you zip your big mouth and not have the last word always?
    I have a big mouth. I talk more than I should. Some say it's a gift…others…well..Prov. 10:19

    Do you love yourself? Would you marry you?
    I'm learning to love myself – and not in the selfish ways, but the "being nice to myself" ways. I think of what a good friend would say to me (the good and bad) and see that as a happy medium between self-loathing and self-flattery (Prov. 36:2).

    Do you like what you see and what you have/will become, can you live with you for the rest of your life?
    I am also learning to like what I've become and let my light shine. I can live with me for the rest of my life (since I like working alone 😉

  12. "Most time we want to focus on the man, who he should be, how he should look, what kind of job he should have and can’t he take care of his business? Yeah yeah, those are great questions but you are not ready for that now." this whole post spoke to me but more especially that part. Bukky this year for me is to learn about about myself, and do my best to change those things for the better. seeking God in all things and not fretting about the things in other people that i cant change . i wanna focus on bettering me and with leave God to take care of my future partner.

  13. Buky, this post deserves a very loud applause. Thanks for being so honest about your previous marriage. I'm definitely adding these questions to my already looooooooooooooong list of Questions to ask before you say I do.

    Your post reminds me of the first chapter "His Wife" of Stormie Omartian's The Power of a Praying Wife. She explains how the change we want should start from us.

  14. sister, i was off work yesterday and definitely off anything computers, but I have been kind of desperate to catch on this new post , it is one honest piece I have read in a long time, God Bless you for this. you know there are things I really wish I could change in my life , sometimes i feel there should be a shift in time so I could live better , but i have realised one thing ;God allowed it for a reason so that I could learn and lead other people out of same situation.
    Buky, the more I read this post , the more I know that there are still so many things for me to know, there are still many prayers to be uttered to God, there are still so many conselling sessions I need to have with people that are wise , there are so many childish ways I need to discard off my life. thanks sis.

  15. Buky,
    This post was meant for me… well, pips like me.
    The timing was also very right, where some of us have made NY resolutions, half of which we forget to stick to before the end of Jan.
    Now, just like Adri did above, l will have a go at the questions. Let's see how sincere l can be.

    *What makes you think that you are ready for marriage?
    Well,l used to consider my age a lot but my mentality has changed over time. As l grow older l realize if l had married an angel, l would still have had issues because l hadn't dealt with my weaknesses (which l never knew l had). Sometimes, l tell myself if l was in by ex-bf's shoes, l would have left me SINCE! I mean l wouldn't have had the patience these people have had in handling my childishness.

    *What do you know about being a wife, a partner and working as a team?
    A wife is meant to be a helpmeet, a best friend to her husband. As a partner and team member, l am meant to contribute intellectually, materially, emotionally and spiritually towards building a healthy and happy family. I also need to support my hubby in achieving his goals in life and to make him happy in the best ways l can.

    *What are you bringing to the table? What do you have to offer to your husband?
    I got my personality, intellect, education/career, my ,gifts/talents,wisdom (from past experience)., hmm…my body. lol (not sure how to really answer this question)

    *What do you know about a man? Do you understand the male species at all?

    I know men don't talk a lot. They open up once in a while and when they do, never forget what they say and deal with them based on the information. You know a man by the way he treats you and the way he thinks about you. Is he just about how sexy you look or does he care about your growth and development? There's a lot to say but the most important thing is, don't expect a man to become what he is not. He is what he is, period.

    *Do you know who you are and what are your strengths and weaknesses?

    I keep discovering myself daily. I know l am by nature a good person, l can be very nice too. (I wish l'm not actually) However, l can shut my door against you permanently if you think u can take advantage of that.

    l'm quite intuitive. l'm smart and can be quite cooperative in achieving goals. l used to give up easily in the face of obstacles but l have some resilience now. (not my fault,l used to be daddy's girl)l have to do more thinking on this question.

    *Are you complete in yourself first, to be joined to another person?

    No, l like to be entertained a lot. l like to listen but now l'm trying to reach out more now. Talk more. DIY and not wait for someone to help/encourage me.

    *What are your core and moral values, what are your relationship deal breakers?
    Honesty and openness. Relationship with God. Smart work. Foresight. hmm…

    Abuse, esp emotional. A non-supportive person. Laziness. Lack of character. manipulative.insincerity.hmm….

    *What role is God playing in your life and where are you in your walk with Christ?
    God is No 1. without Him, l'm nothing. I am still growing, l stumble at times but l get back up. I feel there is a higher calling upon my life and He is just waiting for me to get myself ready in order to take me there.

    *Are you really a Christian by name only and what is the foundation of this supposed marriage?
    I am bible believing. still far from God's desired level but with a supportive partner, we will both get there.
    Iron sharpens Iron.

    *Can you take criticism from others; can you take correction or direction?
    l argue at times but when l reflect on the words, l take the lessons.

    *Can you honor and obey; can you zip your big mouth and not have the last word always?
    l never had a big mouth, used to be bad tempered. l'm surprised l have changed a great deal over the years. l just hold my peace these days.

    *Do you love yourself? Would you marry you?
    l like myself, l can laugh at myself now. marry Ekundayo? yes..but she has to be held with firm hands at times. She is God-fearing and cooperative, just provide guidance when needed.

    *Do you like what you see and what you have/will become, can you live with you for the rest of your life?

    l do like what l see in he mirror although my friends tease me on something…just one thing. I have accepted it because thats the way God made me. I'm still beautifully and wonderfully made. And l look much younger and prettier than some of them.

    Hmmm….l can live with Ekundayo is she promises not to go back to her childish ways (I doubt she will, she is not in 9ja anymore) She's got a lot of potentials, she only needs to believe more in herself and live life more actively. She has a great destiny, if only we would both cooperate to achieve this!

  16. @Nike:

    You made some valid points in your comments, however, I don't think the author is writing about qualification, but about preparedness and obedience which the Lord himself requires of us always in order to enjoy the blessing he's bestowing on us.

  17. Hmm, Aunty B…Another inspiring and eye opening post…I told my friend that im preparing myself for marriage and he found it amusing. 'How can you prepare yourself Temi?' he wondered. I shall lead him to this post. First im off to tweet it. Cant keep it to myself.

    More inspiration to you in Jesus' name!

    http://temiville.wordpress.com/

  18. DOZ – You are right on your way. With God all things are possible. Just continue to put Him first and seek Him in all your ways.
    Thanks for sharing and for encouraging me.
    Regards
    Buky

  19. Ibhada,

    Thanks for visiting my blog. Hope you enjoyed your movie "Thru the Glass"

  20. Magnuim, Good for you, dont let anyone rush you into it. No one knows you like you do. Do it when you feel it is ok for you.
    Thanks for stopping by and I look forward to getting to know you better.

  21. Akin, There has got to be a better way right to prepare our children? I am thinking ahead now, its important for our children to be educated and all but are we missing out on raising husband and wife, fathers and mothers?
    May God continue to help us.
    Happy New year to you and yours, I trust all is well with your family and they are doing great, regards to all.

  22. Koinonia01, Thanks for visiting. I love your blog, the topics and especially the comments from your followers. They were real and genuine, i just had to say so.
    I am also sorry about your loss, stay strong fellow blogger.

  23. Mbabazi, you are so right, until we know ourselves how can we know who best to walk thru this life journey with us?
    Its too important not to do. It saves us a lot of grief and bad choices. God is the ultimate match maker but we have to do our parts too.

    You are going to do great this year, keep on keeping your focus on God and working on you. God will reward your diligent.

  24. Adri, Are you for real??? Thank you sooooo much, muchas gracias, Danke!

    Where do I start? Ok I am stealing your theme for 2011 “intentional living”. I have been searching for one now I know why others didnt sound right. I was waiting on you to show up. Thank you for getting here on time.
    You answered those questions genuinely and honestly, I am gobsmack that you did that!

    Thank God that you get this post, that it is not about us being perfect or knowing it all, we wont always have all the answers, it is about being prepared and discovering who we really are before we get involve with someone else. It is so easy to ruin a good thing when we dont know who we are.

    You know who you are and any man will be blesse to call you his wife when you are ready to make that move. I didnt have a clue and I couldnt have given the answers you gave back then.
    You are blessed and highly favored.
    Thanks for making my day!

  25. Tolu, I trust you enjoyed your day off! There is so many things we can all learn to be prepare but we can never be over ready for it. With God's guidance all things are possible. May we not choose wrongly, may we not invest in unfruitful relationship that will tear us down. There is someone special for everyone of us and we will be ready to take our rightful place at the right time. This is all our year, do great sister.

  26. Ekundayo, I am blown away that you took the time to answer the questions. Girl you are so way ahead of me back then. Your sincerity shown thru and also that you have a wonderful sense of humor.
    You are smart, intelligent and it shows that you have taken the time to know you. You actually know your strengths and weaknesses and you are ok with it becos you know what you have to work on.

    Atta Girl, that is where we want to be, to know it and still be confident to work on it without getting insecure about it.

    I just love this part "Hmmm….l can live with Ekundayo is she promises not to go back to her childish ways (I doubt she will, she is not in 9ja anymore) She’s got a lot of potentials, she only needs to believe more in herself and live life more actively. She has a great destiny, if only we would both cooperate to achieve this"

    Just great, awesome. Your wonderful personality shown thru and you have just positive vibe too. I am rooting for you.
    Thank you for taking the time, it truly blessed me and i know it will bless others who read it too.

  27. Temi, Yes you can prepare and am glad you will so you can be successful at it. May God guide you when the time comes and you will build your home and not destroy it in Jesus name, Amen.

    Thanks for tweeting it am blessed to have known you. Your blog inspires me to write, thanks for being an inspiration.

  28. Happy new year to you too. Thanks Femi, regards to the family.

  29. As they say, Honesty is the best policy. This not only applies in business but every aspect of life. The truth that you know will definitely set you free. If people can be particularly honest with themslves as you are, there will be less sorrow and much Joy. Adri, I must confess. I am truly proud of you, you have shown humility by taking the time to answer the questions yourself, not painting yourself as an angel, but human. I am very proud of you. You are already 99.99% 0f the way and the Lord will meet you the rest of the way in Jeus name. Have a wonderful life.

  30. Ekundayo, "pips like you"? No, "honest ladies like you" I'll say. You remember that verse in the scripture that says God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. I see God's amazing grace upon your life as it takes boldness, confidence, self-assurance AND HUMILITY to be able to answer the questions that were listed in the post?

    This is the reason why people like you are needed around. Yes, we are all still learning and when a person has a teachable spirit like you have displayed here, nothing can stop the person from rising up. So, I say to you arise and shine for your light has come and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you. I am very happy for you and also very proud of you. Whomever God has ordained for you as your husband, is not a lucky man, he is a BLESSED man and I pray he realizes that. Have a wonderful life.

  31. Wow…this is some serious stuff! "Would you marry you?" I think that question should be the most important of all for anyone seeking marriage. I am a firm believer that one can only attract what she/he is. So for people who keep demanding the perfect life partner, they had also be perfect. And for the married couples who want their mates to be perfect, they had better be perfect too.

  32. Definately "thought provoking" as i am sure was the intention. I reckon as bloggers when we get people to look within themselves concerning our topic issue we have succeeded, huh. And i must say you are on fire this year love. We are barely 2 weeks and you keep them coming.

    Dare i say, We never can be quite ready for spouse-hood, sweety. It would be simpler if love, life and marriage too were like an exam and we just needed to study enough before sitting for them. Sure, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing" and vice versa. We become 'wives' before meeting our hubby to be. And its about the person that we are and what value we can add, whether we are "helpmeets' at all. But I must emphasize there is no pressure, we all do our best and if it fails its not a reflection of our goodness or badness as a person or our level of Christianity at all.

    When i divorced i went through hell thinking i must have been a bad wife to him or maybe i was not a good Christian – if i had been God would have intervened or maybe…His family went on about how i had not been trained well enough to be a wife and should go back and be taught to be a good wife. There was no place to turn you see…We need to be careful not to leave women in an emotional desert like i was.

    In my country we do go through a 'wife training' of sorts but most of what they teach is how to keep house good and be good in bed which are really case specific ain't they and they neglect to talk more on respect and individuality etcetera. The church does its bit and goes on about submissiveness and praying for yo family yada yada. We are blessed with all this internet interaction as well as the traditional training and church and Dr Phil, lol. We have the best of all the world's to point us in the right direction. Yet we ought to pray for a spirit of discernment so we can leave the advice that is chaff and useless for successful marriages while taking the good.

    Blogs like yours are some of the resources that are improving the lives of 21st century women, love. Keep 'em coming. You are a blessing to many many people.

  33. Galfriend u just amazed me,being yo friend on facebook is a blessing!wise piece indeed,m still trying to let everything sink in.m going to read this piece over nd over again until I understand everything fully,M turning 31 this year nd m engaged ,should b getting married sometime this year but the only thing pushing me was the age,always worried that at my age m already very late but after reading this piece I've realized that its not about age its about whether m ready or not!

  34. Very nice of you to reply Joshua, to make it clear, I am no way disputing over the post but just providing my own insight. However in light of your reply it would be interesting to know what Aunty Buky herself has to say.

  35. hello bukky
    how are you and happy new year!!!
    you've got a lovely blog packed with so much useful information and it's worth subscribing to.I am glad i checked out your link
    you've touched on an important subject and your emphasis on working on ourselves, identifying our weakness….. before delving into marriage is spot on!!!!
    the concept of marriage isnt centered on just having a glamourous ceremony; rather it's based on unconditional love & understanding,selfless attitudes, embracing different responsibilities…….
    take care of yourself and enjoy the rest of the day.

  36. Pingback: Tweets that mention So you want to get married? « From Average to Amazing -- Topsy.com

  37. This is a word of truth "MARRIAGE" but firstly in anything we do,we should trust God first and He will lead us the right path and order our steps.Indeed buky marriage is a mindset thing and it is not about age but maturity.Well i am not married yet but i know this year,2011 is my year of breakthrough unlimited.I love your blogs and i have been following you all days long,keep up the good work.Infact you are a blessing to our generation.

  38. Cyrus, you are correct we can never be quite ready for it but lack of being prepared is getting us into problems too.

    Interesting to learn that you go thru training on how to keep home and be good in bed? That is news to me especially the later part, shall we save our discussion for skype girl, lol

    The pain of divorce you and I know so well and we must work hard to make sure that history doesnt repeats itself. That our children's children will not also be a part to this curse.

    My marriage and your future marriage will not be a part of the statistic in Jesus name, Amen.

  39. Lara, that question in particular hunted me after my divorce and I had to do a lot of soul searching and seeing myself for whom i was to be able to finally be where I am today.

    When one is not whole and complete, you bring your incomplete self to the table and it causes a lot of internal conflict.

    There are far too many people still discovering who they are but they are now married with children and are getting lost in the process. Mind life crisis sound familiar right?

    Thanks for your comment.

  40. Nomvula, I am glad that this post resonated with you too. You are 31 yrs young and only you can truly decide when you are ready. Try and figure out your core and moral values and please study your man too.

    A lot of the time women dont even have an understanding of the opposite sex, you have that time now to put in to be better prepared.

    I have no doubt that you are on the right track on working on you. Thanks for stopping by.

  41. Thank you. 🙂
    Stay blessed.

  42. This is truly an excellent entry. I definitely feel that you need to understand the male species before getting married. They have different means and a completely different frame of mind then we do. We have to not only understand but accept that. Of course there is the rare exception, the man who is more comfortable expressing his emotion than we are. But for the most part we need to make sure we know the differences between men and women.

  43. AYO, Happy new year to you and yours. Talk about having a great blog, I checked you out and I am amazed about the depth of work and study you have put into your blog. I feel like stealing some of your ideas or maybe pick your brian for ideas.

    Thanks for the shout out on twitter, May God continue to honor you and bless the works of your hand, Amen.

    Did i mention that i love the sleek and clean design of your blog? I do!!

    Have a blessed week ahead

  44. Yemisi, Marriage is a wonderful thing and your heart desire will be granted IJN. He that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from God (PROV 18:22). You are a good thing, you will be a blessing to your future husband and children. You will be that woman that builds her home and never destroys it.

    According to your words and faith, so shall it be to you. God will remember you just like he remember Esther, He will honor you and fulfill every desire you have in your heart for 2011. Hope deferred make the heart sick but desire fulfilled is a tree of life (Prov 13:12)

    I know He will do it for you, amen. Thank you for your continued support, I am grateful for it. Have a great weak ahead.

  45. Y-A-B, There is a vast difference indeed, the better we understand each other and dont try to change them the happier we will live together in harmony.

    Thanks for your contribution, have a great week ahead.

  46. Nike, How have you been, I trust all is well with you. Thank you for keeping it real and i appreciate your feedbacks at all times.

    Dont mind me for being tardy, an oversight on my part.

  47. i agree with Nike to a great extent. I think that it is only fair to put out the word (sort of a disclaimer); that timing ultimately is God's. There are many women who would make wonderful wonderful wives but are not married for no fault of theirs. Christiandom tends to preach like if you don't have some miracles, it's your fault.
    I have an aunt who is still waiting for a child after 15 years. What hasn't she done? She is a real real Christian, one of the most humble and prayerful persons I know. Yet, people who don't know her find it easy to EXPLORE reasons. They say maybe it's sin, then they say lack of faith etc etc. Didn't Hannah pray for years before that one experience that was recounted in the bible. If Samuel hadn't been born at the time he did, who would have filled in for Eli's errant children?
    That being said, these are important pointers. God help us all. May we find the grace of God.

  48. very insightful and if i am goingto be taking lines to post on my FB page, i don't even know where to start.
    I can connect deeply with all that part that talked about working on oneself first before thinking of wanting to get married.
    I read somewhere that ''smart girls get married not neccessarily the good ones''. To some extent, i agree with this bcos i honestly know a couple of so called ''bad girls''(based on their activities back in school) that are happily married today while the spiri-koko are still searching. God's time, i guess, is the best.

  49. Ola, if anyone out there thinks they they can make things happen in their own power, then they are deluded. Ultimately Its in Gods timing and I assume we all know that by know. By sharing my personal experience is to show that you can do all the right things but still it is up to God.

    It is sad that people will easily cast as aspersion like in the case of your aunt waiting on the Lord for 15yrs. How she can be the root of her own problem I dont get, but people will be people. Regardless of what man thinks and said its only what God says about us that is the final authority.

    As we say in Texas – eat the meat and spit out the bones.

    Thanks again for your comment, much appreciation and have a great week!

  50. BC – I am rolling with laughter, which one is spiri-koko abeg! I get what you are saying, it always seems like that doesnt it. You are so right about God's perfect timing. Thanks for sharing your comment and making me laugh.

  51. He allows certain situations and circumstances our way to enable us encourage and help others, amongst other reasons.
    Thanks for sharing this.
    May God continually strengthen you as you seek solace in Him.

    Love loads

  52. NWBW, Yes it's all part of our journey. Life is always teaching us lessons. May we continue to learn, grow and move to the next stage. Thanks for stopping by and have a great weekend.

  53. I loved this article and it is great have to read again…you are right about preparing yourself and things happen God's time.

    In addition to yout article I was watching Tyler Perry most resent play and he(MADEA) touched on this…saying that to pray and ask GOD for a good man is the worst pray you can pray. He said this because we ask GOD to send us a good man, good has that good man for us but because we are not ready for him, we are going to have to go through some obstacles(bad relationships) to get to that good man. He then say that some of us stay with the first relationship because we asked GOD for a good man and some of us go through a few relationships and them stop because we think that we not going to ever get the one and close ourselves off and life to the one. He then said if whats for you is for you and you ask GOD for it you will get it and you can't stop just because it didn't come in your time because GOD doesn't work in our time but in his own time. I thought that was also good… if anyone didnt see the play it's call Madea Big Happy Family ( I think).

    With that said I think that what he said and what was written in this article does only apply to having a good man and getting marry. I think we all could use what was said and written in every aspect of life.

    I'm in my thirties and once I turned my life over to GOD ( I still on the spiritual journey- still work in progress) I have develope a pretty good outlook on life and release that nothing that we do or want in life can be achieve without GOD in it. I know we as human beings think that once we have it all that we somehow achieve it on our own and dont give thanks to GOD and then wonder what happens when it is taken away or suddenly goes wrong. So that said as I said earlier in the comment this article was very good and thanks for sharing part of you and your growth with us and I hope that others and myself can take something positive from it and also be bless. GOD Bless you.

  54. Buky,
    You truly are a blessing! Thank you, thank you, Thank you! Be praying for me because I still am discovering who I am. How do I get there? This can be a really frustrating process…But God is faithful. I've just now realized that I feel like I need more time to ripen and also that I'm not wanting marriage so badly that I needs to come…TODAY! Does this mean I'm not ready – that I'm not yearning for it enough?

    I really appreciate your affirmation. Having it come from someone who's been through so much (from whom I have so much to learn), it's entirely a blessing. Please pray for me because sometimes I don't think I'm moving forward!

    Thank you so much!
    Adri

  55. Kathy, God's time is indeed the best. Thanks for taking the time to comment and sharing Tyler Perry with us. I am a fan of his work, his advise are timeless and superb.

    I am glad that you are on a spiritual journey and He will never forsake those that seek Him diligently.

  56. Just trust God, in time it will all be clearer. We walk by faith and not by sight or feelings. Just because you don't see any results, doesn't mean there are no results. God works from the inside out.

    You are in my prayers and i love you dearly. Stay beautiful and blessed

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