Singles Talk: The List Part 2

This entry is part 2 of 2 in the seriesThe List

While I understand that making a list is not for everyone, I am a detail-oriented person. Everyone must find what works for them and still commit it into God’s hands.

It’s also important to point out that you must be realistic and honest with thyself. You expectations must be realistic and not a fantasy. Your expectations must align with the future you envisioned in your mind.

A few good men fell by this list, they were not bad guys, they were not the one for me. Having my list and others experienced married women in my life helped me to stay focused. For by wise counsel you shall make your war: and in multitude of counsellors there is safety Proverbs 24:6

My final list looks like this and they are also my deal-breakers!

– A serious Christian – No baby Christian.

– Must be prepared to relocate or resides in America

– Ready for marriage, children and committed to family life

– Must own his home or ready to buy.

– Must be affectionate, compassionate and a great communicator.

– No sex before marriage

– Must have a J.O.B – financially responsible.  He will be the family breadwinner.

– He must be taller than me, I am 5’7 and I love wearing my heels too. (silly!)

–  Loves me just the way I Am. Not controlling or abusive.

– Non-smoker or drinker. No porn, no drug use.

–  He must have a passion and a career, not career searching.

– Absolutely NO STUDENT.

What God gave me in addition to my list are as follows;

– A prayerful husband

– A worshiper – a man truly after God’s heart.

– A great cook and my very own gentleman

– A great man of valor and integrity

– A hand-on Dad, my best friend, and he truly values family

– He loves me just the way I am and allows the real Buky to Shine!

– He knows his role as the man and a great provider

– Partnership and working in unity is top priority to him

– Relationship with God is No.1

– Wonderful pregnancies and children

– The best in-laws in the world

I can go on and on about all the things that God gave me that weren’t even on my list. I couldn’t have asked for those things because I didn’t even realized how important they would be and if it was truly possible to have them.

I stick to my guns and didn’t listen to those naysayers who told me I was too strict. I disagree because I know myself better than anyone. “Don’t let people narrate in your life that don’t know your story”

You may disagree with me and that is fine. When you are truly ready for marriage and you have done all you can to improve yourself, learn from you’re past mistake, then you know that not “everyone” will do.

Call me demanding, strict and any other names. That doesn’t bother me; what was and still important to me is getting to my destination.

I cannot but over-emphasis that my age and past experiences shaped my outlook. While I am not claiming that my list is perfect for everyone and neither is it a yardstick others should use. My list was perfect for me and I am where I intended to be.

There are things I have not included such as love, humor, and honesty etc, I assume those are things we all desire.

So lets apply my list to reality – Your list must make sense to you and in line with your future expectations.

– Why a serious Christian? – Because iron sharpens iron and I wanted someone I can learn from.

– Why America? – That was my destination of choice – London was my comfort zone and I wanted a change.

– Must own his home or ready to buy – being a homeowner myself I have standards and wont settle for less. Relocating also meant that I would be selling up my home and business.

– Absolutely No Sex before marriage – As a committed born-again Christian the bible demands it. I am just abiding by my Faith, you abide by yours! “Anybody that will sin with you will sin against you”

– J.O.B. – A must! Is there any point marrying someone who cannot support himself talk less of a wife and children?

– Must have a passion – It’s important to have passion, a calling, a career or skills before getting married. Marriage is for responsible adults and it helps if those areas have been addressed.

– Why no student? I have 16 years of working experience under my belt. I don’t believe I would have much in common with a student and the patience for him to finish his studies. It’s important to support each other in our ambitions.

I don’t claim to have “a perfect marriage, we have a real marriage”.  Having the list and working my way through helped me a lot. My husband is not a surprise to me; he is everything I prayed for and much more.

I am still the opinionated woman he married 5 years ago; I didn’t pretend to be what I am not. I am a SAHM helping to raise our family while he works and support our family.

He is a committed father and husband, he is absolutely devoted to family life and God is still No.1 for both of us. He has been to me a spiritual mentor and I have learned a lot from him.  He continues to challenge me in my walk with God.

I love wearing my high heel even at 8-month pregnant, lol. And yes He is taller than me still with my high heels on. Lol!

What are your relationship deal breakers? Do you know what they are? Next post – watch out.

Series Navigation<< Singles Talk: The List

About Buky

Buky is a ''Desperado after God". She is married to Adey and together they are raising 3 amazing children. She is a natural encourager & she loves to share practical experiences with others. She enjoys writing, reading, dabbling in stock trading, hanging out with friends and serving the body of Christ.

46 Comments

  1. @ Myne – Wow, I am glad that God blessed you with the ONE for you. My prayer is that many sisters find that also. May God keep your marriage strong and only have eyes for one another, Amen.

  2. Thank your for sharing the importance of having a list. This is my first time of leaving a comment. Please keep sharing as there are many of us that are reading. Thank you for always keeping it real and practical

  3. @ Cyruswoman – LOL, cant wait to read your comment. I look forward to it lady

    @ Alison Kingston – Welcome to bukville, thanks for taking the time to read my blog and leaving a comment. Much appreciation and thanks for your kind words.

  4. Thanks a lot Aunty Buky. I just decided at the end of last year that at 25, its high time I started becoming serious about marriage. I have started studying myself to see if I am mature enough to handle the responsibilities that come with such a relationship. Just as valentines day was coming up, I decided it was high time to determine what this man I'm preparing myself for should be like. Our lists are very similar except for the location and student criteriam I also have a few more things and was just about finished with my list when I saw yours today. It's a relief to know I am not asking for too much as I will be living with him for the rest of my life. I even put adventurous cause I enjoy trying new things. Thanks a million. You are the best and an inspiration to me. God bless your home.

  5. Hello Yetunde, Thank you for taking the time to read and also leave a comment. As you embark on this journey, may God give you clarity and discernment. It is your Father good pleasure to give you the best. I am glad that this post was timely and inspiring at the same time.

    @ Cella – Blowing kisses right back at you lady! I am so blessed that this post elevated your spirit.

    SAHM stands for Stay-At-Home-Mom. Its a common acronym here America.

  6. What a great post. I did not actually make a list but I knew what I wanted in a partner. So when my hubby came along, I recognised him. A man who is understanding, who respects women, who is open with his emotions and acts on it (what I call romance), and a man who will love me as I am.

    The deal breaker was just one and I look forward to your next post.

  7. lovely post…ur list looks great, and I'm thankful for the extras God gave u…even though I didn't have a physical list, I had a mental one, and I see several similarities between our lists and the extras too…for me there was one "deal breaker" but God helped me to see past it, cos afterall I'm not perfect either. lol.

  8. @ Rethots – Great point – Never compromise what one wants and are we willing to pay the price i.e wait patiently. I appreciate you contribution, thanks!

    @ Anoda Phase – God is awesome for sure, I am grateful for the extra too. Hmmm I am curious to know what your deal-breaker was, hmmm. I am also glad that God gave you the wisdom to see past it. None of us is perfect, lol

  9. Mmmmwah! *blowing kisses to u* This is a thriller!! I love your list :). And I also like your acronymn(SAHM) lol. My spirit got really elevated after reading this and I guess it shows in my playful but serious comment.

  10. hmmm….will be back wit the comment, imma think on it a bit.

  11. Well, ’tis not so much as the content of the list (they’ll differ one person to another), rather, ’tis the understanding that one needs never ever compromise what one wants. For one to have been able to imagine what one wants, that person does exist. The issue is, are we willing to ‘pay’ (wait patiently) for who we want?

    Without sharing (or having a passion for) the most important things, ’tis just a while before the ‘love’ eventually grows cold.

    Love, though a descision also does grow cold.

  12. @ Tolu Ilesanmi – Thanks for stopping by, i trust all is well with the family. I bet you have some wonderful wisdom to share with us. I am always interested in men's perspective on this relationship issues.

    Thanks for your kind words and i pray that as you share it with others; it will encourage them to honor God first above their own flesh and desires.

  13. Thanks for sharing this and for letting everyone realize that they do not have to settle for less than the best in everything, most especially marriage. God grants the desires of our hearts. He honors desires that honor Him, like those on your list. Most people shy away from “asking for too much” because of the fear that they will never find someone who fits the criteria. But testimonies like this encourage singles not to compromise in their demands. I will share this with the singles around me.

  14. @ Ayodele – Hello Lady, how are you doing? I am glad you are all set with your list. The waiting time can be whatever you want it to be, it can be fun, a time to discover and develop a much more deeper relationship with God. A time to put your affairs in order such as finances and make some decisions such as, are you going to work while raising your family or opt for SAHM? It can also be a time to be adventurous, travel to places you have never been before. You can also use this time to figure out your passion if not already discovered.

    Oh why dont I do a post that can shed some light to your question? I will share with you what i did to get through it. Thanks for asking the question, its a very important one.

  15. hello buky

    how are you?

    i personally dont think you are strict. you are a lady with principles and wouldnt compromise on certain issues. besides it's worked out so well for you.

    take care of yourself and enjoy the rest of the day

  16. Thanks much Buky may the Lord continue to use you as
    a voice of truth and reason to this generation!
    Ok so I’ve got m list but now all I need is the grace to WAIT
    being 30+ wit d clock ticking can be….hmmmm God help us!!
    So m question is what do i while I’m waiting and trusting God
    its easy to fall prey to compromise whn ur under pressure to “go and marry”…Lol

  17. @ Ayo – I am doing great. Congratulations on Celebrating One Year Of The Life Skills Magazine. What a great accomplishment for you, many more years ahead.

    I am indeed grateful to God that He worked it all out for me, I have since learnt a new meaning to the word "Restoration".

  18. Sister mi, these past days have been hectic and demanding , sorry , I came on late to comment . these are my views:

    1. Remember , you told me to quit working too hard in a relationship, you spoke sternly about I need to stop feeling inferior because I am not , then I had no idea about where to start with lots of the issues threatening to bury me alive. You patiently told me to be that woman God sees me as , to avoid toxic relationships that attract me so bad, i started taking baby steps to discover myself through God's word and persistent prayers. Today ,I can boldly say am a woman of virtue , a woman totally sold out to God, and a dangerous prayer warrior, imagine , I now have a list about what I want. Having a list disciplines you , it gives a sense of direction , I can now see.

    2. About the height thing, am a petite ,very cute , i think am good with a cute guy too, you know what I mean

    Sister mi , thank you for allowing God to use you,we have to talk soon , i mean via mobile phones.how is Uncle Adey.

  19. @ Tolulope – I am grinning from ear to ear reading your comment, you are indeed precious to God. God is seeking daughters that are not afraid to be still in His presence and who knows how to seek His Face.

    Lol, you are cute indeed. I purposely left my height requirement on the list and it goes to show that what matters to me also matters to God.

    The purpose of having a list is make us discipline and hold ourselves accountable. Its serves as a reminder of what God did. Its easy to believe that we achieve all this by our own doing, it is all thanks to God.

  20. Oh! I quite know the meaning of SAHM, it only made me laugh as it was used in the context. Girls should come to realize they can stay off sex, despite being sexually-active in the past. It's a way of retaining a lost dignity. I recommended your website to my sister; she felt so good and motivated after reading some of your posts. And I'm sure she's gonna be hooked to your website just like I was inexplicably hooked!

  21. love the post, it came just on time: when i was wondering if i wasn't to strict! lol!

    but, i was wondering if could also do a list for some things in my life that still need to be defined or redefined….

    i really like the idea of having a list, because i always have so manu things on my mind, that sometimes i really feel like i am lost….i am thinking about trying the list thing…

    stay blessed aunty Bucky

  22. Very lovely post. Really liked your sharing of the additional things God gave to you.

    Whether there is a physical or mental list, a woman needs to know what she wants and be ready to stick to it. She should be able to identify the things she cannot compromise.

    Sadly, when a woman gets to a certain age in this day and age, she is under tremendous pressure to choose any available man. I pray we have more women who will really understand what they want (and you demonstrated with your explanations) and believe God can give such a man to them.

    Hmmm, I really like quote; “Anybody that will sin with you will sin against you”.

  23. @ Cella – Thanks for your recommendation, much appreciation.
    Its never too late to get right with God, regardless of our past or previous experiences. God makes all things new – “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.” (2 Cor. 5:17).

    I look forward to getting to know your sister and thanks for being a blessing.

  24. @ Maguim – I am so glad to read your comment, we serve an on time God who is never late.
    I am list crazy, it helps me to start focused and organized. It gives me direction which i sometimes lack because life can get overwhelming if we allow it.
    Go ahead and give it a try!

  25. @ Rita, Welcome to Bukville and thanks for your comment.

    The age factor is something that really put most women under pressure, i was once one of them myself. Thank God for stepping in and taking the veil off my eyes.
    Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.” —Psalm 127:1. My prayer is that we will not labour in vain and continue to allow God to build our homes.

    Thanks for stopping by and have a blessed week.

  26. thanks bukville for this post. i’m 32 and ive just made a list. People around me give me a hard time always laughing at me because i made a list. its like every one expects me to marry some nothing person simply because im over 30 but i know that for me divorce is not an option so i better get someone i can spend the rest of my life with who i will care about and who can love me for me. I was talking to a friend about an ex who was a gentleman and she laughed so hard . it hurt me a lot its like im to marry some God knows who simply because im over 30.. im just so tired. i wish i had encouragers around me but i dont.. every one i talk to says i’m looking for someone from a mills and boon novel but im not .. i mean i read the books and what i want has nothing to do with the books .. im so upset.. but thanks for cheering me up

  27. I’m laughing at the “absolutely no student” part. Talk about the highest form of emphasis…Great list.

  28. Hi Yetunde – Thank you for your comment and openness.

    Be your own cheerleader, you should be cheering for yourself more than anyone is willing. You dont need others to validate you. I had to be delivered from “people’s approval”. I am my own biggest cheerleader and it doesnt matter if i make mistakes along the way. At least they are mine mistakes not led by others.

    The partner you desire is for you not for them. At the end of the day you have to live with that person not others. Stick by your belief and honor God, He will grant you not just some but ALL your heart desires. This I know to be true.

    Know who you are even in the face of others who don’t know who you are.

  29. Hi Lara, Lol. Even though it might not be a big deal to others, after all there is nothing wrong with education. It wont have worked with me since i was ready for family asap. In the end I got my heart desire and it just goes to prove that God is into the little details.

  30. Aww what a beautiful testimony!

    My relationship deal-breakers are: someone who isn’t a Christian, an uneducated man, a man without a job, vision, or goals, a man that is abusive (physically, verbally, etc), a man that doesn’t respect others, a man that drinks, smokes, clubs and a man that doesn’t like children/ isn’t family oriented.

  31. Hey just stumbled on your blog and have been going throught the archives. I too have a list now problem is God sent me someone who is over and beyond the items on my list the only thing is that he is shorter than me ia m 5’8 and i really wanted to be with a taller guy. And i asked myself shoudl i loose out on a great relationship and a wonderful person just because i had a list No way i stayed with him and have never been happier. So as much as lists are great it  is also greater to be flexible because God forbid if i fell in love with a tall dude who treats me like crap!

  32. Lovely post..Permission to share this on my blog please?

  33. Thank you for the interest. Yes, please share it on your blog. Will visit yours too.

  34. Welcome to bukville, thank you for taking the time to read and commenting. I am glad that God has blessed you with someone you are happy with. Enjoy your relationship and wishing yo all the best.

  35. Unveilinggold. Thanks a bunch. Yes you can repost!

  36. Welcome to bukville, thank you for taking the time to read and commenting. I am glad that God has blessed you with someone you are happy with. Enjoy your relationship and wishing yo all the best.

  37. Blessingoutlet. Apologies for just replying to your comment, somehow i missed it.

    You have a great list of deal-breakers, they are excellent points. 

  38. @ Rethots – Great point – Never compromise what one wants and are we willing to pay the price i.e wait patiently. I appreciate you contribution, thanks! 

  39. @ Alison Kingston – Welcome to bukville, thanks for taking the time to read my blog and leaving a comment. Much appreciation and thanks for your kind words.

  40. @ Cella – Blowing kisses right back at you lady! I am so blessed that this post elevated your spirit. 
     
    SAHM stands for Stay-At-Home-Mom. Its a common acronym here America.

  41. this is awesome thanks buky,it has challanged me to have a list aswell.thanks God bless you

  42. Mukupa, You are welcome and thank you for the feedback. You might also want to check out So you want to get married ~ http://www.bukyojelabi.com/?p=871

    Enjoy!

  43. Love the list…it is great stuff…I see why you emphasized a passion and a career, which is tied to being financially responsible. What I want to clarify though is that sometimes there might be what looks like a “seeming” change of career

    I am not talking about being lazy or looking for get rich quick schemes but just a honest change of career…why should that be a deal breaker?

    Actually, if it’s okay, I would like to send you my list and get some feedback on it 🙂

  44. Tolu, you are correct there isnt anything wrong with a change in career. Everyone has to decided for themselves what they want. That was what i wanted and I am glad I sticked with it. Our deal-breakers will never be the same because we are all at different stages in our journey. Our age and past experiences shapes our future decision and we cannot ignore it.

    Check out this post I shared my journey about working for money. These are some of the reasons why it was important for me to be with someone that had a passion/career they are happy and committed to. Our lives is forever evolving so I know that at some point my husband or myself could change direction but I know the importance of starting strong. That decision today has paid up immensely! We have been able to undertake things beyond our imagination because we have the same vision and goals.

    It all depends on what vision you have for your future, and what role your future spouse would play in it?

    Yes, I’ll be happy to give you my feedback. Thank you for asking.

  45. Now I understand better and I see what you mean. I agree that deal breakers will be different but after reading your post on “Working for Money,” it makes perfect sense and I am with you

    Actually I need to go re-read both posts on “Working for Money” cos I am seeing some similarities to things that I have come across. Thank you for such powerful posts

    I do not have your email, can you pls send me an email and I will reply to it? I believe you should have my email since I have to use it to leave a comment

    Thank you very much and thank you for allowing God shine His light into lives and generations

  46. Pingback: Want To Be Audacious In 2013? | From Average To Amazing

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