It is far easier to be authentic than being a fake. Back then, I never know who I’m going to become today or tomorrow. At the time, I believed that most people were faking it too. How coo-coo (crazy) was that. I was secretly afraid that men in white clothes might come and take me to go join my friends in the crazy house. It was that bad, no joking now folks.
We are shaped by our belief system, whether its wrong or right belief it shapes our view of the world we live in.
If you knew me back then- some years ago, then you would have met Ms Fake-Myself-Crazy-Buky. My life was not going in the direction I liked, so I faked it. I faked happiness, joy, I faked my life isn’t missing anything. I don’t need God, certainly not man of all creatures. I am “miss super strong” I can do it by myself.
Even though on the inside, my world was crumbling gradually. I wake up daily and put on my game face. All dressed up wearing my “power suit” from Next, lovely shoes and a killer handbag to match. I’d tell myself every morning “ITS SHOW TIME BABY”. The street of London was my runway, I was strutting my way to work and back still faking it.
Instead of praying to God and reading the bible, I will go over my daily affirmation. Instead of listening to praise and worship music, I’d rather listen to Mary J Blige – No more drama and Destiny Child’s Independent woman/ Survivor /Bills bills bills– These songs became the anthems that I lived my life by. However, nothing else can take the place of God in our lives.
How sad just thinking about it, back then it wasn’t. Yes, I got the image right, I walked with a swagger. I talked the talk, looked the part. Inside I was hurting and you can never dress up your pain no matter how hard you try.
It was all a facade, it was wearing me out, and it was driving me crazy. I was always a day; I daresay even a moment from seriously flipping out, i knew it wouldn’t take much for me to lose it. I wanted to stop the pattern of lies and deceit, but I just didn’t know how to. I will have to ask for help right? and tell the truth that I’m living a lie? Oh no! lets just carrying on faking it after all, isn’t everyone faking it too? No, No, No.
My reason for faking it was a divorce, what is your excuse for faking it?
So your answer to show the world, to prove that you can make it without him is to FAKE IT. Faking it just to survive another day, you are not living, you are not getting by, you are merely just trying to survive another day to earn a buck!
What I did to regain my sanity back.
I cried, cried and cried some more. There is so much power in crying that I discovered. There was a lot of release that I felt after a good cry. I had to cry my pain away.
I let God know exactly how I feel. I first told Him I’m mad at him because that was the truth. I had no reason to be mad at God, that was me still trying to blame God and anyone else but me for my problems.
I started going back to Church, a new church. Ok I had issues with the church too. I was a worker in my previous church back then and they didn’t check on me. I felt abandoned and alone. I discover that there were people that were just “church friends”
All this time bitterness and hatred was eating away at me. Forget about the weight I was carrying around. Honestly I won’t even date me myself.
I was angry and it was eating away at me. I had to forgive even though I felt I was wronged. It’s not about who is right or wrong. It was about me getting better and well. I didn’t want to forgive one ounce, I had to forgive, there was no option for me but to forgive.
I rededicated my life to God yet again. I had a better understanding this time that I’m really after a personal relationship with God. No more religion, no more church friend, no more throwing myself into serving in church. While there is nothing wrong with serving in the church, it takes maturity to do it. It became religious for me and I didn’t want to go back to that.
God’s lovingkindness was what I experienced. He forgave me and I was able to forgive others. Most importantly I forgave myself, I learned to love me all over again and stopped FAKING IT. I rediscovered my true identity in Him, No more condemnation, no more shame, and no more guilt.
He gave me a new vision of myself, my life had hope of a future again, and this time around I will walk step by step with God. This time I did it God’s way and not compromising my beliefs.
God is faithful; He will turn your mourning into dancing. He will give you beauty for ashes. He will give you a new song and dance. He will bless you right in front of your enemies and there is nothing the haters can do about it. He will give you a new name; you shall no longer be called forsaken. You shall be called Hephzibah (My Delight Is in Her) and your land Beulah (Married). For the Lord delights in you. He is the restorer of your soul and all that you have lost is about to be restored back to you in hundred folds.
I know this because that is what the Lord has done for me. I am a living proof that God does restore all.
I am not a goody two shoes, I am not perfect, I don’t pray more than you do and I know still He loves me just the way that I am. He loves you too there is no doubt in my mind.