This post is to my younger self, a conversation I wished someone had with me before I ever got married the first time. A little bit of background info to help make thing clearer to you as for why I should have had this dressing down talk.
I left home (Lagos, Nigeria) when I was 17 years old for London, England. I lived with my older brother for a short time and ever since then I’ve lived by myself. I thought being born in a Christian family and attending church makes me a Christian.
No one wanted their freedom as much as I did. I had no clue of how to handle this new-found ”freedom”. Young, unguided, immature, and unteachable. I lived my life on my own terms. A lot of bad decisions leading to bad consequences.
Please note, I’m not asking for sympathy neither am I blaming others. I made my bed and I lied on it too. Getting to lie on this bed is a decision everyone must get to at a point in time.
Who really taught me how to be a wife or even a young lady? My folks were far away and really can’t see the stuff I was getting up to. Great for them, but not great for me.
Then one day out of the blue I thought I was in love and we were going to live forever in love, right? Nah!
If I had the chance to talk to my younger self, today. I would ask her the following:
15 Thought Provoking Questions You Should Ask Yourself Before Marriage.
What makes you think that you are ready for marriage?
What do you know about being a wife, a partner and working as a team?
What are you bringing to the table? What do you have to offer to your husband?
What do you know about a man? Do you understand the male species at all?
Do you know who you are and what are your strengths and weaknesses?
Are you complete in yourself first, to be joined to another person?
What are your core and moral values, what are your relationship deal breakers?
What role is God playing in your life and where are you in your walk with Christ?
Are you really a Christian by name only and what is the foundation of this supposed marriage?
Can you take criticism from others; can you take correction or direction?
Can you honor and obey; can you zip your big mouth and not have the last word always?
Do you love yourself?
Would you marry you?
Do you like what you see and who you have become?
Can you live with you for the rest of your life?
I can honestly tell you now that I was so clueless it was unbelievable, and some of us are still clueless too. God forbid someone had this dressing down with me back then. I’d probably tell them off and avoid them for a while.
The truth is always the truth at all times, regardless if you agree or disagree. In time everyone knows who loved them enough to risk jeopardizing a relationship in order to minister truth in love. In time you will come to appreciate and respect them.
This is why you shouldn’t stand for false friendship. Stop telling me what I want to hear, dare to tell me the truth and get my feelings hurt. It’s better to get hurt for a short-term than to keep going round repeating the same madness
You and I cannot afford to keep going round in circles; we have got to put an end to the madness. I’d rather have no friends at all than having people who can’t tell me the truth.
But are you ready to receive it though? Can you be an adult and take it without no hissy fit?
Some of us can’t take the truth and that is why those who know you best are watching you make a fool of yourself. The last time they told you just a whiny little bit, what did you do? You threw it back in their faces and turned around throwing mud at them, using all the ammunitions and secrets that you knew about them against them.
How do I know this? Because I have been that person, and sincerely I don’t want you to walk that destructive road. How many more relationships will you ruin with that mouth of yours? Some of us can’t keep silent to save our lives! Well, that won’t work in any relationship; you must be able to hear the truth! You must be teachable to enter God’s promises or else you are going to spend longer than you should in the wilderness.
I am also not waiting on others to tell me the truth. I am going to confront myself and deal with my issues. I am not waiting on my pastor, my husband or anyone else, I am going to fall on my face and cry out to God to reveal who I am to me. I am going to humble myself before the Lord and refuse to move until He answers me.
I am going to be like Jacob and cry from the depth of my soul, ‘’I will not let you go until you bless me, until you change my name and until you take the veil off my eyes and let me see who I am’’
One thing I’ve learned bitterly over the years is that we are the greatest liar to ourselves, we are the greatest obstacle to ourselves, we are just too proud to admit it. Stop blaming the devil for everything, yes he is evil. You are doing real good all by yourself and he hasn’t even started with you yet.
Quit running from your issues and take a look at you. I mean really take an in-depth look and analyze yourself. Dare to be naked and face the truth and deal with it.
Do you like what you see? If you don’t, then do something and quit complaining about it. If you do like what you see, love it and embrace it.
This year put yourself in the driving seat and make your life ‘The Project’. You cannot afford not to do this. You cannot afford to keep making the same mistakes due to ignorance, childishness, pride, and stubbornness. Stop procrastinating and face these tough questions now.
Just because you think you are ready for marriage does not mean you are. You might like the idea of marriage but have no clue about it.
Age is not also a yardstick for getting married. I know some cool young couples in their early 20’s who have more common sense than me when I was in my 30’s. They are married and happy, while others in their 30’s and 40’s can’t even stay together for 2 years. Age is not maturity.
Most time we want to focus on the man, who he should be, how he should look, what kind of job he should have and can he take care of his business? Yeah, yeah, those are great questions but you are not ready for that now.
You have to work on you first. Young lady, young man, deal with yourself first!
Those areas of weaknesses you see in yourself are just areas to be developed, listen and pay attention to them.
Success in marriage is more than finding the right person. It’s being the right person.
– Robert Browning
Your pretty face can open the door but your character and mouth will shut the door every time. The world is full of beautiful women, what else do you have to offer apart from your beauty?
Stop acting; you know you deserved an Academy award for the best actress in your category. You and I are not fooling anyone except ourselves.
This is the first step to getting real and dealing with your issues. You know what they are, stop lying to yourself!
I have had to do this myself, deal with my issues and I’ve still got more to work on. I am not better than you or know it all. I have people in my life who will confront me, even though I might not enjoy it. I have to listen to them because it’s for my good. And I also know they are right!
My mouth has gotten me into a lot of trouble and also gotten me out of some. I’ve spent a lot of my time reading the book of Proverbs. The Bible doesn’t lie, if you want understanding then get wisdom (Proverbs 4:7). Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent (Proverbs 17:28) Hello!
Know your issues and work on them. You are not going to possess God’s best without knowing who you are and identifying the areas you need to focus on.
Jacob had to be transformed to be the father of the 12 tribes of Israel. He had to wrestle and contend with God at his time of desperate need. You cannot keep settling for less when you know it’s your Father’s good pleasure to give you the best.
This is your desperate hour, your desperate year. Are you ready for your full inheritance? I am sounding the alarm for you to wake up and take your rightful place. It is your time to arise and shine for your light has come. And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you. For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth and deep darkness the people. But the Lord will arise over you, and His glory will be seen upon you (Isaiah 60:1-2)