Before “I Do” – Part 2 Sex

This entry is part 2 of 4 in the seriesBefore "I Do"

There is no easy way to broach this subject, so we might as well dive into it.

It is just 3 letters, S-E-X, yet very powerful.

When I first mentioned to a friend that I’m writing about the types of questions you should ask before saying “I Do” and mentioned “sex,” she was somewhat surprised that these questions would be brought up before marriage – and I know exactly where she’s coming from.

As a born again and spirit-filled Christian that isn’t engaging or participating in anything of a sexual nature before wedlock, how can you talk about S-E-X?

Well, there are ways to talk about sex without it being sexual. This is not a conversation to have in your “boudoir” with Marvin Gaye playing in the background. You must be conscious of every appearance of evil.

God created sex, and it is a good thing. God is not in the habit of creating bad stuff. I have heard people say that the Church has an obligation to talk more about these issues. However, we have become a nation of people who love passing on our personal responsibilities to others. What next are we going to ask the Church to do, give us sex lessons? Oh, please, don’t get me started!

I beg to differ, it is a sensitive subject, and I surely do not want to have these discussions in the same room as my friend’s parent, huh! Anyway, back to the discussion at hand.

Why discuss sex? Communication is an essential part of marriage. 

The Bible says: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Genesis 2:24

The goal is to become ONE. For that to happen, there has to be a lot of letting go of how it was done in the past. We have to start afresh and learn together as one

The word “cleave” means to cut off, cling to, hold on to, separate from the old, and embrace the new. To put behind you everything you knew before, every habit, every way of doing it with others. To start afresh with your new partner, learn together, and be one.

Therefore, you need to discuss sex, and here are several good reasons why:

Your future partner (FP) may be sexually more advanced than you. It would help if you found out what his/her expectations are.

What if your FP has what you may consider as ‘sick fantasies’? You will need to flesh them out before you say, “I Do.”

You need to know about their sexual appetite – i.e., how frequently you are expected to do the “marital dance.”

What kind of dance do they have in mind, is it the Tango, Waltz, Quickstep or the Paso Doble? This is the time to lay it all out, what you will and will not engage in.

Sex should be between a man and a woman, but you may be surprised to find out that your Christian FP may also think it’s okay to bring visual aids, such as porn or making your own “home movies”  into your marital bedroom. You need to know right now before you say, “I Do.” We are all at different levels in our walk of faith; do not ever assume that they do not have an obscure way of thinking because they are believers. FYI: You are not marrying Jesus. 

Children love roleplaying, but what if your ‘mature’ FP still wants to role-play? Are you game for playing nurse or patient or maybe daffy duck? Huh!

Will they be willing to have a blood test done before you say ”I Do”?

Are they on the sex offenders register for something they had done in the past before coming to the Lord? This is a must for single moms.

I watched a disturbing documentary about this issue when a pedophile bounded with a single mom; she ended marrying the man because of his relationship with her child, only discovering the damage he had done.

It is also important to find out if they’d ever engaged in same-sex relationships or fantasized about it.

Be clear about what your boundaries are and make it plain.

How comfortable is your FP  about talking about sex? What else are they not comfortable discussing with you? After all, you guys are planning to spend the rest of your lives together.

What if they don’t want to engage in sex at all? Shocking! Right? You’ll never know until you ask before you say ”I Do”.

If you think these questions are unnecessary or difficult to discuss before you say “I Do,” then maybe you are not ready to say “I Do” just yet.

(This is Part 2 of 5 series of Before “I Do”)

Series Navigation<< Before “I DO” – Part 1 MoneyBefore “I Do” – Part 3 In-Laws >>

About Buky

Buky is a ''Desperado after God". She is married to Adey and together they are raising 3 amazing children. She is a natural encourager, loves sharing practical experiences with others. She enjoys writing, reading, dabbling in stock trading, hanging out with friends and serving the body of Christ.


  1. Ooooh, girl! you aint lying.. I'm printing this off now! when will you announce the dates for your Summer Retreat?

    • Hi Girlfriend,

      You know i meant every word too!. LOL! I appreciate your comment, Danke. With regards to the summer retreat, hmmm watch this space……for follow up.

      Keep warm in Jand.


  2. Love this post, i enjoyed reading it. I will pass on to my single friends. Keep up the good job

  3. You sure did say it all ! However, as a Christian, before you spill all your beans on the table to your partner, fast and pray about it and soak it in the blood and make sure you are ready to have that discussion and be open to how the other person responds to your "level" and how his or her "level" will be received by you.

    Stay Blessed!

    – Anna

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  5. Hmmn Aunty Bukky, you are shedding light on oft-ignored issues oh. I'm loving this…

    • Temi,

      Thanks girl. Sex in marriages are very important and we cant shy away from it. I hope that more couples talk about it in the right manner and environment Before I Do.

  6. im loving the low down on the topic.thanks.

  7. I love this. I have realized that Christians have different influences on what they believe. Never even think that because that bro or sis is so shouting hallelujah loud, then he or she shies away from pre-marital sex. I have met Christians who would flee from all things that could lead to premarital sex and therefore set boundaries. I have met Christians who know it is bad but who make no efforts to prevent it. They just go with the flow. And there are some who think no premarital sex is all hogwash.
    There are Christians who see nothing wrong with porn; abeg diff Christianity dey o. Know what you are getting into. Not the bro that is choir leader who says to you that well in our family, u have to get pregnant like a month b4 the wedding and that's how its done.
    God help us all.

    • Ola, we are all human being and none above sin. We are also at different levels in our walk with God and that is why it is important to know upfront.

      Marriage is too serious to ignore these important questions. May God continue to guide us right so that we wont make mistake in choosing the wrong partner.

  8. Daughter of Zion aka

    WOW….. I agree 100%, no shaking. Personally, I believe in the power of communication and asking about things. You learn alot when you ask, besides just because the spouse is confirmed by God does not mean you shouldnt do your part. It is necessary for each party to know what they are siging up for.

    Thank you for this and am glad, I was all about asking questions… Thank you again, we are on the same page and it makes me glad that there is someone like you… It shows how God works and how the advancement in faith works in different level of relationship with God…..

    U ARE AWESOME, U are even more awesome with him in your life. :):):)

    • DOZ – Effective communication is the key, sometimes as women we talk too much about nothing. We must learn how to be better communicators with our partners. The Holy Spirit is also there to guide us, shame we sometimes are not aware or thought in the power of the Holy Spirit.

      I always enjoy reading your feedbacks, remain purplelicious!

      Stay blessed

  9. hmmm never even considered these questions but so true.. another permission to reblog please!

    • Angelsbeauty, thank you sister. Now you have motivated me to finish this series on "Before I Do". It is a 5 part series and I still have 2 more to do. The next 2 are Before I Do Religion and Children.

      Yes, pls reblog and just link it back to me, Cheers!

  10. You are right about the "what if they don't want to have sex at all" question. Someone i know just got a divorce because she and her husband had only been intimate a few times in their 17years of marriage.

    • EBD – Thank you so much for sharing that. Sometimes we dont realise how important the simple questions are. So unfortunate after 17 yrs of marriage. Have a great weekend.

  11. Wow! I love the way you dealt with this. So thorough and realistic. It's sad though that God is the author of sex and yet we Christians don't get educated enough about it. Most of what we know or learned is from the world and often it's perverted.

    Sex is a beautiful when done God's way and it's so veerrry important in marriage.

    Thanks so much for sharing. I really loved this post.

    • MOH – Many parents shy away from teaching their children at home hence why they learn it from the world. How else did that think their children were going to learn it from?

      Often times when children are taught, they are not really taught the benefits of abstaining from sex before marriage. The are taught the problems that arise from it, that have't worked so far.

      I pray that our generation will not make the same mistake again.

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