The 15 Lessons I’ve Learned In 5 years Of Marriage

I’ve been reflecting on the 15 marriage lessons I have learned in our 5 years of marriage. Compare to some, my husband and I are newbies in the marital dance. We try not to keep these lessons to ourselves, others may benefit from our experience just as we have benefitted from others experiences. So, let us share it with one another.

There are more lessons but trying to keep my blog post short!

These are just a few from a long list of important lessons I have learnt along the way.

1. Honor.
Honoring my husband is important. What matters to women and men are so different. Men wants honor and respect above sex and cooking. Sex and cooking are important but they can’t live on that 24/7. What will eventually keep him coming home every day is honor and respect.
I am not perfect in these areas but I am learning fast and seeing great results.  In every man; there is a king and a fool. Whose response do you want? Who are you speaking to? If you speak to the king in him, not only do you get the king’s response, you get his rewards too.
This I have learnt, practiced and seen great results. So every time I open my big mouth I ask myself who am I addressing and what do I hope to achieve?
You can get all from your husband without nagging, manipulations, without holding sex or not cooking for him, etc.
Just by choosing to honor him daily, especially when you don’t think he deserves honor, so to speak. I learnt this from my husband; he apologizes to me when I’m wrong! This convicts me more than anything.
We don’t honor our husband because he deserves it, we do it unto the Lord, and He is the greatest rewarder of all.
2. Take Your Problems To God.
In 5 yrs I have not had to call a family meeting on my husband or into our marriage. Do we have issues like every other couple? Yep! but we know who keeps us together is God, He knows my husband better than I do. I go to God in prayer and report him to His Father in secret.
It works if you are willing to wait on God and be patience, as long as your motives are pure and your agendas are not self seeking. God is not a fool and He won’t be mocked, if he’s silent, examine yourself. God does not and will not honor the prayers of a rude wife even if the husband is not acting right. God is a God of order and He honors authority and submission.
3. Choose Your Battle Carefully.
I like a little drama from time to time. I’m just being honest!. But even I have learnt to keep my drama in check. There are times one just has to let some things slide. You can’t be right on every issue; you can’t win every battle! What will be the point of your husband in your life? Is he just there to say yes to everything if you know it all?
4. Learning To Zip It.
As women we use far too many words. I am especially guilty in this area but God is merciful.  Sometimes we just need to know when to ZIP IT. Every woman must know when to talk and when to shut up. If you pay attention to your husband then you should know when you are about to push it just a tad too far. You can control how far and messy things get, learn to put a break to the mouth quickly. You can bring up the issue days later when things are calmer. Once the issue is settled, stop referring to it 10 years after! 
5. You Will Reap Your Words.
What are you speaking over your marriage? Positive or negatives, you will reap every one of it. The power of your words cannot be ignored. Our words are our opinions and they can either build up or destroy. We must learn to speak what we want and not our problems. Refuse to be controlled by your emotions; women must learn to keep their emotions in check. If you call him a fool then he will act the biggest fool. If you call him a loving husband, in time he will amaze you by being that man you dreamed of. 
6. Keeping It Hot.
Making time for one another is super important, specially when the children arrive. We were free, footless and fancy free in our first year until our first child arrived. Things have never been the same ever since. I kid you not, children have antennas and they know just the wrong time to wake up and cry. Killing that special moment and your mojo along with it. You must invest time and money in your relationship; pay for that babysitter and have date night regularly. Check into a hotel and spend un-interrupted time with your lover. Mothers, stop acting like the whole world will end if someone else looks after your child.  If you don’t pay your husband the attention, there are plenty of 21 years looking hot and willing to take your place!
7. Avoiding Offenses.
“Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath“ (Eph 4:26). There is a lot of truth in this, I kid you not. Some of us, me included love a good argument. Knowing  your strengths and weaknesses will help you identify when you are losing it again.  Nothing good comes out of long arguments that take days to end. Learn to quickly put a stop to it, regardless of who is at fault. “Yours truly” have had to learn this and still working on myself too. Don’t take the silence vow with your partner after an argument or when things don’t go your way. Strives and unforgiveness kills marriages, keeps us from laughing and having fun together. 
Each time I’ve put it to work and seen the result and the trouble we’ve averted. I have been impressed to be more of the grown up. I know, me the grown up! Lol
8. Prayer.
Need I say anything further? There is no way I would have had a wonderful 5 years without prayers. I cannot take any credit for my part in our marriage, if not for God. Prayer is never too much; I don’t pray enough. Since the children arrival, prayers have had to take different forms and methods. I know that I cannot make it without prayer and I am having to find new ways to keep it up and step up my prayer life. God forbid that the children and blessings of God will now keep us from seeking Him more. Selah. 
9. Agreement And Vision
Again I say to you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching anything that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven” (Matt 18:19). We firmly believe in prayer of agreement and having the same vision for our family. There is nothing like my vision and your vision, it is our vision. We talk about it, write it down and agree on it. It works every time. It sound so simple but yet very powerful. That is why the bible says “Two [are] better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor” (Eccl:9)
10. Not Taking Each Other For Granted. 
Time for some confession – after Faith’s arrival, I certainly took my husband for granted. I had no clue what I was doing and she didn’t come with no manual. We were both trying to find our way together. New mom especially can feel overwhelmed and think they are doing it all by themselves. I also had the attitude that “he should understand”. We didn’t use babysitter in our first year, I was going to be super mom. Thank God for a wise and  understanding husband who knew better and insisted we should get help! Hello!
11.  No.1 Fan. 
Be each other’s No.1 fan. What good is it when outsiders are your biggest fan and your partner is not? At the end of the day whose opinion matters most to you? Out do one another in your praise, cheering and encouragement. No other person’s validation matters as much as yours. A man who know his wife believes in him cant wait to get home to his place and queen. Be his No.1 fan in all that he does and see how he would return the favor back to you. “Whatever you sow you will also reap.”
12. Making Our Marriage Our First Ministry. 
I learnt this while at All Nations  School of Ministry. Your marriage is your first ministry, what good is it saving the world when you cannot save your husband and children?
As women we want to save everyone. Charity begins at home.  Make your marriage and family a priority and your first ministry. Minister love, grace, mercy and kindness to your husband and children through your actions, words and deed. 
13. Minding My Business. 
We women are multi-taskers by nature and we pride ourselves in our ability at wearing different hats. Just make sure you are busying doing the right things, don’t become Martha! Too many times we are already at the deep end before we realized we’ve been far too busy doing what wasn’t our business in the first place.  Note to self – Buky, Mind your business.
14. Keeping God First. 
There is an order in the Kingdom of God,  and God is always first. It is a Kingdom principle that works all the time. Once we keep God first, everything else falls into place. Putting Him first is saying to God, come into my family and have your way. His ways are far better than ours; many times I have had to thank God for not honoring one of my crazy prayers.
15. Love.
I purposely put love at the end, not because love is not important. Love is very important and a needed ingredient in any successful relationship. What I have learnt is, the marriages  that ended up in divorce also started out genuinely in love.  Not because they stopped loving each other but usually because point 1 to 14 were missing from their relationship. You can have all the love for one another and it still won’t work.
You have to Love God, love yourself and love your partner. If you don’t love God then who is going to help your relationship when it’s in trouble? If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect to be loved? Love your partner or else someone else will show him what he is not getting at home.
Love is very vital in any relationship; but you’ve got to love yourself too. And don’t forget to have fun together.
So what lessons have you learnt so far? Don’t keep it to yourself! Pass it on…….

About Buky

Buky is a ''Desperado after God". She is married to Adey and together they are raising 3 amazing children. She is a natural encourager, loves sharing practical experiences with others. She enjoys writing, reading, dabbling in stock trading, hanging out with friends and serving the body of Christ.


  1. This is straight from yoour heart. I learnt from it though am still single. Thanks for sharing your experience.

    • Hi Tholu, I am glad you took somethings away from it, especially being single. This is a good time for you to really prepare yourself for what to expect in marriage.

      Yes, it was straight from my heart, thank you for taking the time to read and share.

  2. Buky, firstly thanks for stopping by my blog and for your comment yesterday. It seems that all my married friends completely understand where that post was coming from, but single gals not so! Anywho…

    Love this post {and your blog for that matter}. I've been married less than 6 months but I am learning loads and seeing the positive results when I follow God's model. Honour, submission, respect so so important.

    All the points you raised are spot on and should be reinforced to all newlyweds and experienced married couples.

    I've enjoyed reading back through some of your older posts and its nice to find someone on the same page, with the same heart for God and the success of her home. Proverbs 14:1 IS key! This is our first ministry.

    • Chichi,
      Thank you so much, girl I love your website! Full of godly wisdom and I am a fan of yours!
      I am so glad that you took the time to read and share also.
      Marriage is awesome especially those founded in God. I wish you many wonderful years ahead.
      Have a great week ahead

  3. If only women (amd men) can pay attention to these advices, take them to heart and practice them, there will be less divorce and more love in the home. Proverbs 14:1 says "The wise woman builds her own house, but the foolish pulls it down with her own hands" May God give us wisdom. Awesome post. Can't wait to read your next post. Thank you.

  4. Buky, once again u have have really touched my heart. I have been married for ten years and all ur points are so true. I have had to really study older couples to understand what marriage is all about. I have learnt to change my bad habits (not easy) and the results I have got is breath taking. I never really liked the submission part but as i learned to be submissive, my husband started changing too.I know i still have more to do but i can tell u this, God's way is the best. The first year was all about me but now it is all about us. I now try to apply bible principles and my home is now a haven for us. Thanks for sharing, i am waiting for more posts from u. It's such a wonderful feeling when our husbands or partners think we are the best.I so thank God for his marraige manual…..THE BIBLE.

    • Ety,
      Congratulations on being married for 10 years, i bet you are thinking where have the time gone?. Thank God for older and experience couples, we need more of them in all our lives.
      I learnt that there can never been any true submission to man until we submit to God first. God is the only one that can touch the heart of a king, our husbands are kings. The first year is always a learning curve, the man starts of as your friend and buddy then he mature into this new role that we also have to adjust too.

      Thank you as always for taking the time to read my (long) post and for sharing your wisdom.

  5. Guchi Godfrey Ejiogu

    buky this is a life changing manual thanks for blessing us .

  6. Buky,
    Such a wealth of wisdom from a newly married woman!

    As I mentioned to you previously , the thing that I recently learned from my amazingly wise husband is to let go of an offense quickly. Men do it all the time. At least mine does. He can say or do something that offends me and in the next minute want to be all lovey dovey and I will be like "hold up" homey. He's already forgotten what he said or did and really probably never meant it the way that I took it. If I am dead in Christ, then I should be unoffendable anyway right?

    • Ms Tina,

      Yes you did mentioned that to me, thanks for sharing your wisdom. Nothing like learning from an experienced couple, thanks.

      Congrats on your soon to be 22 years of marital bliss! We look forward to celebrating the same in the future.

  7. Thanks buky that's a powerful insight,will definitly keep going tru it over and over again.Stay blessed

  8. I love this article. It hit the nail right on the head. "Keeping it hot" is my favorite. I have so many friends that have never gone on dates without their children. I believe its a very important aspect of marriage and one needs to take time out to spend with their husbands. Honoring our husbands is so important but we forget to do that sometimes. Intimacy/sex is also very important in marriage…..women often neglect this aspect after kids. Thanks for reminding us about the important things in marriage that we often forget.

    • Doyin,

      "Keeping it hot" should be top priority for us all. We absolutely have to make time with our husbands without the children, it is one of my favorite time of the week date night!
      Life happens and once children are on the scene, it takes juggling to make it all work out. It is possible with the help of God and our husband's co-operation too.
      Thanks for sharing.

  9. I know. Buky – my heart cry is not just for readers of this blog but for YOU and ADEY.

    1. That these lessons will never be against you-That you will continue to respect them and apply them

    2. That your Joy will not become stale.

    3. That you remain focused and relevant.

    Heaven will preserve you!


  10. Pingback: Adey, My Joy and Crown « From Average to Amazing

  11. I like the part about reporting him to His father.Lol! Easy way to resolve certain issues.

  12. this is really helpful. i enjoyed your blog even though i just stumbled upon it.thank you for this article. As a young lady in a relationship heading to marriage i need people like you to tell us some of these things as we prepare.
    thank you again.
    visit me

    • Mbabazi, Welcome to Bukville, great to have you around. Talking about marriage, relationships is my passion. I am learning everyday and we should all stick together and grow together.

      Stick around sister as we feed off each other. Thanks for the love and support.

  13. Okay i know i am very late, i am single and i think all you have said is sensible talk. However hard to keep in my head as i cannot practicalise alot yet.
    So i am going to pray that i can run to your blog and this beautiful piece you have just shared.
    God bless you.

    P.S i am a little confused on the honouring part, please shed more light, thanks.

    • Hi Amira, You are never late on any post on Bukville, jump in at anytime. We value your comments and questions. We are here to learn and grow together.

      As per your question on the honoring part, that is a great point. In other to understand more about "honoring" we have to talk about "Submission".

      Watch out for my post on SUBMISSION IN MARRIAGE coming soon…….

      Better still sign up for my subscription that way it will come into your inbox and you can jump in on the discussion.
      Have a great week!

  14. Forget an ex, Thanks for sharing, am glad that you learn something new today. My hope and vision for the blog is just that "learning and growing together".

    I hope to see you around more, thanks for sharing.

  15. Wow! Buky, Go girl!
    Thanks for that.
    It was wonderful and so refreshing to read a blog from a married woman of God, who tells it like it is about marriage.

    I could tell this was straight from the heart!!

    This was a wonderful 15 point guide for marital life all based on Biblical principles.

    God is certainly at the centre of your marriage and you are truly a Proverbs 31 woman.

    This post most certainly fits into the main verse of my site, which is, "He who refreshes others will Himself be refreshed" – Proverbs 11:25

    I was certainly refreshed,
    God Bless you more

    • Carol, Thank you for your lovely comments, I am so glad to have found a reader in you, someone who is on the same page and appreciates the topics I’ve chosen to highlight in this blog.

      Thanks again for your comment, it meant a lot to me!

  16. Thank you for visiting my blog and leaving such an encouraging comment.
    The truths you share here are so real, I see areas I can begin to improve upon immediately.
    Point 6 on keeping it hot is so true. They really do have 'sensors', these children God has blessed us with :)
    Thanks for sharing xxx

  17. Great blog it's not often that I comment but I felt you deserve it.

  18. Daughter of Zion aka

    I LOVE THE WORDS, and the contribution. INFACT I feel so inspired, my eyes are tired from reading blogs all day lol. But I must I feel like I have achieved alot of things and learnt quite a lot today. More so, I feel blessed, I am only in my early teens and I aspire to be married to a household that respresent God in everything.

    I am happy to find women that can be inspiration to me and strenghten my desires to please God. Thank you so much. I KNOW HE HAS BLESSED YOU because you loved him first. I have some qs Aunty Bucky if I may ask?

    Pls if could you elaborate on the concept of God revealing your husband for confirmation before courtship? In addition, is refusal to marry the person revealed, can it lead to unhappiness in the long-run? I would be grateful if I receive an answer.

    • Hi Daughter of Zion, Firstly – what a name, loved it.

      Thanks for your comments on my blog and also on Temiville. I really appreciate you taking the time to read it, my post and comments can be long and not everyone's cup of tea.

      Please check your inbox/spam, thanks

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