I’ve been reflecting on the 15 marriage lessons I have learned in our 5 years of marriage. Compare to some, my husband and I are newbies in the marital dance. We try not to keep these lessons to ourselves, others may benefit from our experience just as we have benefitted from others experiences. So, let us share it with one another.
There are more lessons but trying to keep my blog post short!
These are just a few from a long list of important lessons I have learnt along the way.
Honoring my husband is important. What matters to women and men are so different. Men wants honor and respect above sex and cooking. Sex and cooking are important but they can’t live on that 24/7. What will eventually keep him coming home every day is honor and respect.
I am not perfect in these areas but I am learning fast and seeing great results. In every man; there is a king and a fool. Whose response do you want? Who are you speaking to? If you speak to the king in him, not only do you get the king’s response, you get his rewards too.
This I have learnt, practiced and seen great results. So every time I open my big mouth I ask myself who am I addressing and what do I hope to achieve?
You can get all from your husband without nagging, manipulations, without holding sex or not cooking for him, etc.
Just by choosing to honor him daily, especially when you don’t think he deserves honor, so to speak. I learnt this from my husband; he apologizes to me when I’m wrong! This convicts me more than anything.
We don’t honor our husband because he deserves it, we do it unto the Lord, and He is the greatest rewarder of all.
2. Take Your Problems To God.
In 5 yrs I have not had to call a family meeting on my husband or into our marriage. Do we have issues like every other couple? Yep! but we know who keeps us together is God, He knows my husband better than I do. I go to God in prayer and report him to His Father in secret.
It works if you are willing to wait on God and be patience, as long as your motives are pure and your agendas are not self seeking. God is not a fool and He won’t be mocked, if he’s silent, examine yourself. God does not and will not honor the prayers of a rude wife even if the husband is not acting right. God is a God of order and He honors authority and submission.
3. Choose Your Battle Carefully.
I like a little drama from time to time. I’m just being honest!. But even I have learnt to keep my drama in check. There are times one just has to let some things slide. You can’t be right on every issue; you can’t win every battle! What will be the point of your husband in your life? Is he just there to say yes to everything if you know it all?
4. Learning To Zip It.
As women we use far too many words. I am especially guilty in this area but God is merciful. Sometimes we just need to know when to ZIP IT. Every woman must know when to talk and when to shut up. If you pay attention to your husband then you should know when you are about to push it just a tad too far. You can control how far and messy things get, learn to put a break to the mouth quickly. You can bring up the issue days later when things are calmer. Once the issue is settled, stop referring to it 10 years after!
5. You Will Reap Your Words.
What are you speaking over your marriage? Positive or negatives, you will reap every one of it. The power of your words cannot be ignored. Our words are our opinions and they can either build up or destroy. We must learn to speak what we want and not our problems. Refuse to be controlled by your emotions; women must learn to keep their emotions in check. If you call him a fool then he will act the biggest fool. If you call him a loving husband, in time he will amaze you by being that man you dreamed of.
6. Keeping It Hot.
Making time for one another is super important, specially when the children arrive. We were free, footless and fancy free in our first year until our first child arrived. Things have never been the same ever since. I kid you not, children have antennas and they know just the wrong time to wake up and cry. Killing that special moment and your mojo along with it. You must invest time and money in your relationship; pay for that babysitter and have date night regularly. Check into a hotel and spend un-interrupted time with your lover. Mothers, stop acting like the whole world will end if someone else looks after your child. If you don’t pay your husband the attention, there are plenty of 21 years looking hot and willing to take your place!
7. Avoiding Offenses.
“Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath“ (Eph 4:26). There is a lot of truth in this, I kid you not. Some of us, me included love a good argument. Knowing your strengths and weaknesses will help you identify when you are losing it again. Nothing good comes out of long arguments that take days to end. Learn to quickly put a stop to it, regardless of who is at fault. “Yours truly” have had to learn this and still working on myself too. Don’t take the silence vow with your partner after an argument or when things don’t go your way. Strives and unforgiveness kills marriages, keeps us from laughing and having fun together.
Each time I’ve put it to work and seen the result and the trouble we’ve averted. I have been impressed to be more of the grown up. I know, me the grown up! Lol
Need I say anything further? There is no way I would have had a wonderful 5 years without prayers. I cannot take any credit for my part in our marriage, if not for God. Prayer is never too much; I don’t pray enough. Since the children arrival, prayers have had to take different forms and methods. I know that I cannot make it without prayer and I am having to find new ways to keep it up and step up my prayer life. God forbid that the children and blessings of God will now keep us from seeking Him more. Selah.
9. Agreement And Vision
Again I say to you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching anything that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven” (Matt 18:19). We firmly believe in prayer of agreement and having the same vision for our family. There is nothing like my vision and your vision, it is our vision. We talk about it, write it down and agree on it. It works every time. It sound so simple but yet very powerful. That is why the bible says “Two [are] better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor” (Eccl:9)
10. Not Taking Each Other For Granted.
Time for some confession – after Faith’s arrival, I certainly took my husband for granted. I had no clue what I was doing and she didn’t come with no manual. We were both trying to find our way together. New mom especially can feel overwhelmed and think they are doing it all by themselves. I also had the attitude that “he should understand”. We didn’t use babysitter in our first year, I was going to be super mom. Thank God for a wise and understanding husband who knew better and insisted we should get help! Hello!
11. No.1 Fan.
Be each other’s No.1 fan. What good is it when outsiders are your biggest fan and your partner is not? At the end of the day whose opinion matters most to you? Out do one another in your praise, cheering and encouragement. No other person’s validation matters as much as yours. A man who know his wife believes in him cant wait to get home to his place and queen. Be his No.1 fan in all that he does and see how he would return the favor back to you. “Whatever you sow you will also reap.”
12. Making Our Marriage Our First Ministry.
I learnt this while at All Nations School of Ministry. Your marriage is your first ministry, what good is it saving the world when you cannot save your husband and children?
As women we want to save everyone. Charity begins at home. Make your marriage and family a priority and your first ministry. Minister love, grace, mercy and kindness to your husband and children through your actions, words and deed.
13. Minding My Business.
We women are multi-taskers by nature and we pride ourselves in our ability at wearing different hats. Just make sure you are busying doing the right things, don’t become Martha! Too many times we are already at the deep end before we realized we’ve been far too busy doing what wasn’t our business in the first place. Note to self – Buky, Mind your business.
14. Keeping God First.
There is an order in the Kingdom of God, and God is always first. It is a Kingdom principle that works all the time. Once we keep God first, everything else falls into place. Putting Him first is saying to God, come into my family and have your way. His ways are far better than ours; many times I have had to thank God for not honoring one of my crazy prayers.
I purposely put love at the end, not because love is not important. Love is very important and a needed ingredient in any successful relationship. What I have learnt is, the marriages that ended up in divorce also started out genuinely in love. Not because they stopped loving each other but usually because point 1 to 14 were missing from their relationship. You can have all the love for one another and it still won’t work.
You have to Love God, love yourself and love your partner. If you don’t love God then who is going to help your relationship when it’s in trouble? If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect to be loved? Love your partner or else someone else will show him what he is not getting at home.
Love is very vital in any relationship; but you’ve got to love yourself too. And don’t forget to have fun together.
So what lessons have you learnt so far? Don’t keep it to yourself! Pass it on…….
Buky is a ''Desperado after God". She is married to Adey and together they are raising 3 amazing children. She is a natural encourager, loves sharing practical experiences with others. She enjoys writing, reading, dabbling in stock trading, hanging out with friends and serving the body of Christ.