Everyone is pregnant except me! That was my outburst to Adey on returning from the Mall in 2006. With tears rolling down my face, I don’t know how much of this I can honestly take on.
You might have mistaken the mall for some type of “Stroller Olympics” or a “Stroller Convention”.
I have never seen so many pregnant women, in one place, or so many moms pushing their strollers while pregnant too.
I don’t remember why I went to the mall, but I returned empty handed because I just couldn’t handle all the pregnancies. Yes, I may be exaggerating a little but all I saw were pregnant women at every turn.
We had just been married less than a year, and I desired to have children on our wedding night, if it was possible. My world view was shaped by my own desire to get pregnant ASAP! All I saw were pregnant women everywhere all the time.
I bet you are wondering, why was I so desperate to get pregnant so soon?
In order to understand the present or future, we must sometimes take a step back into the past. However much we don’t want to re-live those horrible feelings and experiences.
Travel back with me to 1995, girl meet boy and got married and they lived happily ever after? No, that is what we all hoped but that didn’t happen. I never consulted God or anyone about anything. Oh I consulted my clueless self!! I was in love and I know it all; yes that about summed me up back then.
It lasted 5yrs which I must say is a miracle in itself. This is not your “slag off” your ex post, I am 10 yrs older and wiser. I am too blessed to stay in Egypt and I am a Victor, not a Victim.
In that 5 years I discovered that I was not able to conceive. What in life really prepares you for infertility? Is there a school that one is taught how to deal with it?
To add salt to injury, my ex outlaws called me a barren and a failure. Those words would haunt me like I never knew.
To make matters worse, the doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with me. I remembered thinking to myself; maybe if I can give this thing a name, it would make me feel better. I was told that there was nothing physically wrong with me but still I wasn’t able to conceive.
Now, here we are in 2006 and less than a year that I had been married to Adey. I am a new bride with the world on my shoulder. “This time was going to be different I kept telling myself” For sure history will not repeat itself, affliction will not rise up a second time. Nahum1:9b.
Every day was a struggle for me, and I constantly heard the voice of defeat, the voice of the enemy and the past trying to penetrate into my world. I started feeling the shame of not being able to conceive all over again. There was fear on every side, how long will this go on for? I hope I wouldn’t lose my mind.
Even though I was happily married and there was no pressure from Adey or his family. Yet I allowed the past to continue to hold me in captive. It didn’t feel like I was new to this, it felt like this was the 6th year!
I had been here before; I remember the pain of finding out every month that I am still not pregnant. I remember the amount of money I’d invested on pregnancy tests. I remember trying different brands, thinking, “Just maybe this will work for me this time.” I even went as far as to talk myself out of even wanting a child! What did I know about babies after all?
How I’d cried before attending a baby shower just so that my emotions wouldn’t get the better of me while there.
The fear of being overweight also haunted me. I remembered in the past how depressed I was and I turned to food for comfort. Then I despised myself for not being able to get a grip on my life. Not only couldn’t I have a child, now I have also gained weight, which is not conducive for getting pregnant! Obesity is also an issue that reduces the chances of getting pregnant.
You can change your location; change your friends or even give yourself a new name and identity. Underneath all of that, you are who you are, and unless you ask God to deliver you from the past and renew your mind, it’s just going to invade your life all over again.
I’d placed so much on having a baby that I believed once I get pregnant everything will be ok. Really? Children are NOT the answer to our happiness, God is.
I put so much pressure on myself, like I had something to prove to the world that “Yes I am a MOM.”
That was me seeing the world from the wrong perspective, seeing the world from a human perspective.
If this is you today, if this story resonates with you, then you know what I am talking about. Your pain is not distant from God. We do not have a High priest that can not relate to our infirmities. There is nothing you are going through that God isn’t aware of. Isaiah 59.1
Some of you have believed God for a long time, some 10, 20 years. I will not claim that I know how you feel, but God knows how you feel.
I know your tears, those that you shed in secrecy. I understand that you can’t bring yourself to attend yet another baby shower, even though they are for your very good friend. You are not envious of your friend, you are happy for her, but you can’t help but wonder. You ask God, “When is my turn? I am always celebrating others, when will I be celebrated?” You couldn’t care less for the gifts, just the joy of feeling a baby move in your stomach and holding that child.
Most of my friends have stopped having babies and am just starting. Comparing myself to others only leads to more depression.
I know you think about how you can’t wait to endure the nausea, morning sickness and all the gross stuff other women complained about. How you wanted to scream at the top of your lungs, “I’d go through fire just to have that one child!?!?!”
What you wouldn’t give just to be pregnant! You don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, because a healthy baby is all that you desire. Is there anything too big for God to do? Nothing is impossible for God, so when is your own time?