Singles Talk: The List

This entry is part 1 of 2 in the seriesThe List

I recently came across a program on VHI called  “What Chilli Wants”. What Chilli Wants is an American reality series on VH1 starring Chilli, one-third of the Grammy Award-winning R&B trio TLC. The show chronicles Chilli’s quest to find love with the help of Tionna T. Smalls, an author, relationship coach, a single mom and in her 30’s.

I have watched some episodes and I find it quite interesting and entertaining. Everyone seems to be giving Chilli a hard time for having a list.

What is wrong with having a list that guides and help you so you don’t make the same mistake as the past?

What is a list? It is simply a list of all the qualities you want in your partner. It helps you stay focused on your goals and make your dates more meaningful.

I am almost addicted to making a list; you all remember the simple list I mentioned here. I have a list for everything, to-do list, short-term goal, weekly shopping list, the list goes on and on.

In my 20’s I didn’t bother about making a list, all my focus was on Love. Yeah, there is nothing wrong with love but there is more to marriage than love. So it’s no surprise when I was ready to settle down in my 30’s, I got out my pen and paper and made a list. Over time my list have changed as I became more aware of what I really wanted.

Everyone should know what you are want, its easy to get carried away in ecstasy, euphoria and lose track of what’s really important.

This may not apply to everyone but if you are in your 30’s and still single then it’s imperative to have a list. Please don’t waste precious time dating the wrong person.

Why is it important to make one? It gets you thinking about what is really important to you, why do you want what you have written? Sometimes until you have taken the time to think things thru and write them down, then you may realize how unrealistic your expectations are. It also help you sort out the men from the boys.

When I finally decided it was time to get married, I took it very serious, I was in my 30’s and lets face the truth sisters – our clocks are ticking and our eggs are not going to wait forever. These are medical facts any doctors will explain to you. Once you are over 30”s you are considered an older mom and in the risk category.

I made one because I didn’t want to repeat past mistakes and my age. I simply didn’t have the time to waste. Marriage is for serious folks so if you are not there yet, don’t knock those that are ready.

The bible teaches us to count the cost of building our homes. How then do you count the cost, build on a good foundation if you don’t take the time to list out all the things that you want and commit it in God’s hands.

What is the big deal about the list?  Most singles when asked what type of man they are you looking for, general answers are; a Christian with a good sense of humor. Another answer is, I don’t have a type until they are presented with a single Christian brother, they start finding faults with him.

Sisters, if you don’t know what you really want, maybe you are not ready!  Men are different in this respect, they know what they are looking for and don’t waste time on the wrong girl.

I made a list back then and some people gave me a hard time, saying I was too serious and I wont get all the things on my list. Well, I got it all and much more. Booyaka. Lol!

In the next part I will share my list with you and what God gave me in addition to my list. After 5 years of marital bliss, I still believe in making a list and I see the benefit of it every day.

So before you rush off to make your own list, here are some helpful guides to help you.

– Be realistic, don’t set standards that even you can’t meet!

– Know yourself first before drawing up a list

– Be somehow flexible and know what your relationship deal-breakers are.

– Don’t expect everyone to approve of your list

– Stay focus on your core and moral values

– What do you want from a relationship

– What you wont allow

– Stick with it

– Remember you are only after the one

Do you have a list of your own?

In part 2, I will share my list with you

Series NavigationSingles Talk: The List Part 2 >>

About Buky

Buky is a ''Desperado after God". She is married to Adey and together they are raising 3 amazing children. She is a natural encourager, loves sharing practical experiences with others. She enjoys writing, reading, dabbling in stock trading, hanging out with friends and serving the body of Christ.


  1. Buky have I ever told you this: You write well! This was one factor that made me an ardent reader of your blog. I don't follow-up on people's blog, I wouldn't subsribe for anything. But yours is so distinct

  2. I like how you started by saying “Be realistic, don’t set standards that even you cant meet!” Many people want a partner with qualities that they themselves don’t have. They want a man or woman that is nice, kind, has money, has a car etcetera and they themselves are not ready to be all those things. I always say that in marriage, you will marry the person that is likely like you too…if you are selfish,arrogant, boisterous, etcetera chances are that you’ll attract someone just like you. One other thing…I believe the most important thing to include on a list for every true child of God looking for a life partner should be that ” the woman/man must be a person that truly fears God – someone that desires and strives to do God’s will at all times, inspite of convinience”. Once this is in place, I truly truly believe everything else will fall into place.

    • Lara, spot on. Being realistic is very important, too many people are not. If a sister is going to start making prima donna demands, then she ought to be able to back it up too.

  3. Daughter of Zion aka

    I like this message. I do believe in setting yourself standards you are prepared to meet or already met. I agree that we need to be realistic and understand the man of our dreams will only want us only when they know you are right for them.

    I agree in making a lists and that is what I have done, a mental and physical list with the ability to be flexible but no compromosing on moral and godly principles. Except after marriage, and yes these lists can keep you in check through the help of the Holy Spirit. I am so glad I am different and I think differently. (Sometimes I feel like, I have lived on this earth before lol…I am in my early 20's but I act way older…) weird stuff sha.

  4. Sister mi , hmmmmmmmmmm, this is so talking to me , having a list is good , ''write the vision down , make it plain , so he who sees it will run with it''. You remember the conversation we had , weeks ago about what I really want , and those nuggets of wisdom you gave me , I wrote it down , though am not a big fan of list , I must confess it is really helping me. thank you, sister mi.

  5. hummmmmmmmmm…aunty B. i know each time i'll come here, i'll find some keys that will help me opening the good doors,

    I love the fact that u always share ur wisdom with so much humility….stay bless

  6. Anxiously waiting for you to share yours. Post Part 2 already, will you. lol

  7. @ Cyruswoman – Girl I love your latest picture. Ok i will try and post the part 2 today, lol.

  8. @ DOZ – Yes, that is the whole essence of having a list, to keep up focus and not compromise on those very important points.

    @ Tolu – Having a list is great but at the end of the day, everyone must know what works for them. It may not be for everyone. I am a detail oriented person and I like to map out my life as much as possible it gives me a clear outlook of the future.

    @ Maguim – Thank you for allowing me to speak into your life, always great to have your feedback

  9. hmmmm, I didn’t do a list, but this totally makes sense…I thank God for who/what He gave me despite my lack of a clear/defined list. Can’t wait to see your list.

  10. @ Anoda Phase – I thank God with you also. Thanks for stopping by.

  11. I certainly do have a listed and it has helped me tremendously…I can’t settle…I know who I am, what I want and I’ve waited too long to comprise. Thanks for sharing! I’m about to review my list now :-)

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