I am not ashamed to admit there was a season in my life that I was faking it. And I almost lost myself in the process.
It is far easier to be authentic than be a fake. Back then, I never knew who I was going to be. Back then I believed others were faking it too. How coo-coo (crazy) was that.
We are shaped by our belief system, whether its wrong or right beliefs it shapes our view of the world.
If you knew me back then you never met the real me. You would have met Fake-Buky. My life was not going in the direction I liked, so I faked it. I faked being happy. I faked my life isn’t missing anything. I don’t need God, certainly not any man of all creatures. I was “miss super strong” I can do it by myself.
Even though on the inside, my world was crumbling gradually. I woke up daily and put on my game face. All dressed up wearing my “power suit” high-heel and a killer handbag to match. I would tell myself every morning “ITS SHOWTIME BABY”. The streets of London was my runway, I was strutting my way to work and back still faking it.
Instead of praying to God and reading the Bible, I recited my daily affirmation. Instead of listening to praise and worship music, I was jamming to Mary J Blige – No More Drama and Destiny Child’s Independent Woman/ Survivor /Bills, Bills, Bills. Those songs became the anthems I lived my life by. Nevertheless, nothing could fill the emptiness in my life.
What a sad and lonely existence. Yes, I got the image right. I walked with a swagger. I talked and looked the part. On the inside, I was hurting. You can never dress up your pain no matter how hard you try.
It was all a facade, it was wearing me out, and it was driving me crazy. I was always a day and a moment from seriously flipping out. I knew it wouldn’t take much for me to lose it. I wanted to stop the pattern of lies and deceit. The thought of asking for help and facing the truth just didn’t sit well with my fake self! Oh no! Let’s just carrying on faking it after all, isn’t everyone else faking it too? No, No, No!
My reason for faking it was divorce. What is your excuse for Faking it?
Faking it is an escape from reality. Its surviving, you are not getting by, you are merely just trying to survive another day!
What I did to regain my sanity back.
I cried, cried and cried some more. There is so much power in crying that I discovered. There was a lot I needed to release. I had to cry my pain away.
I let God know exactly how I feel. I first told Him I’m mad at Him because that was the truth. I had no reason to be mad at God, that was me still trying to blame God and anyone else but me for my problems.
I started going back to Church, a new church. Ok, I had issues with the church too. I was a worker in the church and they didn’t check on me. I felt abandoned and alone. The phrase “church friends” was new to me.
All this time I was angry, bitterness and hatred were eating away at me. I had to forgive even though I felt I was wronged. It’s not about who was right or wrong. It was about me getting healed. No healing without forgiveness.
I rededicated my life to God yet again. I had a better understanding this time that I’m after a personal relationship with God. No more religion, no more church friends, no more throwing myself into serving at church. While there is nothing wrong with serving in the church, it takes maturity and doing it for the right motives. To glorify God and discover my spiritual gift.
God’s loving kindness was what I experienced. He forgave me and I was able to forgive others. Most importantly I forgave myself, I learned to love me all over again and stopped FAKING IT. I rediscovered my true identity in Him, No more condemnation, no more shame, and no more guilt.
He gave me a new vision for my life and a hopeful future. This time I did it God’s way by not compromising my beliefs.
God is faithful; He will turn your mourning into dancing. He will give you beauty for ashes. He will give you a new song and dance. He will bless you right in front of your enemies and there is nothing the haters can do about it. He will give you a new name; you shall no longer be called forsaken. You shall be called Hephzibah (My Delight Is in Her) and your land Beulah (Married). For the Lord delights in you. He is the restorer of your soul and all you’ve lost is about to be restored back to you in hundred folds.
I know this because that is what the Lord has done for me. I am a living proof that God does restore all.
I am not a goody two shoes, I am not perfect, I don’t pray more than you do. Yet, God loves me just the way I am. And He loves you too, there is no doubt in my mind.
Forgive yourself. Get in touch with reality. Stop living in denial and take responsibility for your actions. You’re never far gone from God’s reach. He’s waiting for you to come back to Him today!