So You Want To Get Married?

This post is to my younger self, a conversation I wished someone had with me before I ever got married. Are you ready for marriage?

I left home (Lagos, Nigeria) when I was 17 years old for London, England. I thought being born into a Christian family and attending church makes me a Christian. No one wanted their freedom as much as I did. I had no clue of how to handle this newfound “freedom.” I lived my life on my own terms—a lot of bad choices leading to bad consequences. Young, foolish, unguided, immature, and unteachable. 

Please note, I’m not asking for sympathy, neither am I blaming anyone. I made my bed, and I lay on it too. Lying in this bed is a decision everyone must get to at a point in time.

Who really taught me how to be a wife or even a young lady? My folks were far away and really can’t see the stuff I was getting up to. Great for them, but not great for me.

Then one day, out of the blue, I thought I was in love, and we were going to live forever in love, right? Nah!

If I had the chance to talk to my younger self, today. I would ask her the following:

15  Thought-Provoking Questions You Should Ask Yourself Before Marriage. 

What makes you think that you are ready for marriage?

What do you know about being a wife, a partner, and working as a team?

What are you bringing to the table? What do you have to offer to your husband?

What do you know about a man? Do you understand the male species at all?

Do you know who you are and what are your strengths and weaknesses?

Are you complete in yourself first, to be joined to another person?

What are your core and moral values, what are your relationship deal breakers?

What role is God playing in your life, and where are you in your walk with Christ?

Are you really a Christian by name only, and what is the foundation of this supposed marriage?

Can you take criticism from others; can you take correction or direction?

Can you honor and obey; can you zip your big mouth and not have the last word always?

Do you love yourself?

Would you marry yourself?

Do you like what you see and who you have become?

Can you live with you for the rest of your life?

I can honestly tell you that I was so clueless, it was unbelievable, and some of us are still clueless. God forbid someone had this dressing down with me back then. I’d probably tell them off and avoid them for a while.

The truth is always the truth, regardless of whether you agree or disagree. In time everyone knows who loved them enough to risk jeopardizing a relationship to minister truth in love. In time you will come to appreciate and respect them.

This is why you shouldn’t stand for false friendship. Stop telling me what I want to hear, dare to tell me the truth, and get my feelings hurt. It’s better to get hurt for the short term than to keep going around repeating the same madness.

You and I cannot afford to keep going round in circles; we have got to put an end to the madness. I’d rather have no friends at all than have people who can’t tell me the truth.

But are you ready to receive it, though? Can you be an adult and take it without any hissy fit?

Some of us can’t take the truth, and that is why those who know you best are watching you make a fool of yourself. The last time they told you just a whiny little bit, what did you do? You threw it back in their faces and turned around, throwing mud at them, using all the ammunition and secrets that you knew of against them.

How do I know this? Because I have been that person, and sincerely I  don’t want you to walk that destructive road. How many more relationships will you ruin with that mouth of yours? Some of us can’t keep silent to save our lives! Well, that won’t work in any relationship; you must be able to hear the truth! You must be teachable to enter God’s promises, or else you will spend longer than you should in the wilderness.

I am also not waiting for others to tell me the truth. I am going to confront myself and deal with my issues. I am not waiting for my pastor, my husband, or anyone else. I will fall on my face and cry out to God to reveal who I am to me. I am going to humble myself before the Lord and refuse to move until He answers me.

I am going to be like Jacob and cry from the depth of my soul, ‘’I will not let you go until you bless me until you change my name and until you take the veil off my eyes and let me see who I am.’’

I’ve learned bitterly over the years that we are the greatest liar to ourselves. We are the greatest obstacle in our own way, and we are just too proud to admit it. Stop blaming the devil for everything. You’re doing real good all by yourself, and he hasn’t even started with you yet.

Quit running from your issues and take a look at yourself. I mean, really take an in-depth look and analyze yourself. Dare to be honest and face the truth and deal with it.

Do you like what you see? If you don’t, then do something and quit complaining about it. If you do like what you see, love it and embrace it.

This year put yourself in the driving seat and make your life ‘The Project.’ You cannot afford not to do this. You cannot afford to keep making the same mistakes due to ignorance, childishness, pride, and stubbornness. Stop procrastinating and face these tough questions now.

Just because you think you are ready for marriage does not mean you are. You might like the idea of marriage but have no clue about it.

Age is not also a yardstick for getting married. I know some cool young couples in their early 20’s who have more common sense than me when I was in my 30’s. They are married and happy, while others in their 30’s and 40’s can’t even stay together for 2 years.  Age is not maturity.

Most time, we focus on the man.  What he should be, how he should look,  and the kind of job he should have, and can he take care of his business? Yeah, yeah, those are great questions, but you are not ready for that now.

You need to work on yourself: deal with yourself first!

Those areas of weaknesses you see in yourself need immediate attention, listen up and wake up!

Success in marriage is more than finding the right person: it is being the right person.– Robert Browning

Your pretty face can open the door, but your character and mouth will shut the door every time. The world is full of beautiful women. What else do you have to offer apart from your beauty?

Stop acting; you know you deserved an Academy Award for the best actress in your category. You and I are not fooling anyone except ourselves.

This is the first step to getting real and dealing with your issues. You know what they are.  Stop lying to yourself!

I’ve had to do this myself, deal with my issues, and its an ongoing work. I am not better than you or know it all. I have people in my life who will confront me, even though I might not enjoy it. I have to listen to them because it’s for my good. And I also know they are right!

My mouth has gotten me into a lot of trouble and also gotten me out of some. I’ve spent a lot of my time reading the book of Proverbs. The Bible doesn’t lie; if you want understanding – then get wisdom (Proverbs 4:7). Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent (Proverbs 17:28). Hello!

Know your issues and work on them. You are not going to possess God’s best without knowing who you are and identifying the areas you need to focus on.

Jacob had to be transformed to become the father of the 12 tribes of Israel. He had to wrestle and contend with God in his time of desperate need. You cannot keep settling for less when you know it’s your Father’s good pleasure to give you the best.

This is your desperate hour, your desperate year. Are you ready for your full inheritance? I’m sounding the alarm for you to wake up and take your rightful place. It is your time to arise and shine, for your light has come. And the glory of the Lord has risen upon you. For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth and deep darkness the people. But the Lord will arise over you, and His glory will be seen upon you (Isaiah 60:1-2)

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First Things First

Welcome to 2011, I am excited and can’t wait to dive into all of God’s goodness for this year. It is the dawn of a New Year, so many decisions and choices ahead.

There is so much to accomplish and overcome this year. I don’t know about you, as for us we are going to be busy!

Juggling 2 toddlers and another arrival on the way, it’s almost here now. We are in the last trimester and we are so excited to smell the new life that Almighty God is entrusting unto us.

I am ready to run the race that is before me and I am going to finish strong. I am not ignorant of the devices of the enemy and I hope you are not too.

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Thank You From Bukville

Hi Everyone,

Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

This year has been a great year for us and to top it all, I am so grateful for the opportunity to have connected with you all.

Your contributions and participation in Bukville have been invaluable. That is why I am asking for your opinions on what you think of Bukville and what you expect from it in the future.

Tolu said “it is not fictional in any way, if it tries, then the whole message of Bukville is defeated”

Blimey said “Bukville is therapy to some, encouragement to some, wake up call for others, and hope and inspiration for a lot of people. It is straight from the heart without reservation”

Excellent feedback! Tolu and Blimey, – I am staying well away from friction, thanks!

I am asking you the same question. Please be honest, otherwise it wont help me. Please don’t hold back, we need to know the truth in order to grow. So bring it on people!

Bukville is all about “learning and growing together” and that way I can help serve you better.

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Are You Ready For 2011?

As we are about to enter 2011, I have been making time to set up new goals and visions for next year.

This time of the year for me is more about reflecting on the entire year  and being honest with myself about things I should improve on next year.

As I was looking back on the vision set for 2010, I remember starting  Bukville. I was scared and not too sure of myself but I have some really great people who truly believed in me.

 

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Pregnancy – Helpful Tips While Waiting On God To Conceive.

These are some helpful tips to help navigate those tough times while you wait on God to conceive your precious babies.

Please feel free to add to these lists as we learn and grow together.

Whether you chose to go through IVF, Natural, or Adoption route, you still need God’s guidance and agreement with your husband. Children are a gift and blessing and they will bring you a lot of joy and sleepless nights, lol.

It is very important to work on your marriage before you bring children into it as they can compound the problems you ignore.

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A Prayer For Mothers-in-Waiting.

To All The Mothers-in-Waiting.
And the Lord remembered Hannah and it came to pass that she conceived and gave birth to Samuel. Then God remembered Rachel, she also gave birth to Joseph and Benjamin. God has not forgotten you and it shall come to pass for you too. He will give you beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. God has not forgotten you, He knows your name and address, He sees your heart and He will turn your pain and trial into testimonies. As many children as you desire the Lord will make you a joyful mother. 

Every tear shall turn to joy and shouts of praise will fill your mouth forevermore. Amen! The Lord will wipe away all your tears, you will no longer suffer sadness, cry, shame, delay, miscarriage, or stillbirth. Your affliction will never arise again. You are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. The Lord will fulfill the number of your days, you shall be fruitful and multiply and none shall have miscarriage or barren in your family ever again. 

According to the word of God, you will be fruitful, multiply, fill and subdue the earth. Sarah bears fruit in her old age, no matter your age you shall bear fruit also. 

None of God’s promises concerning you, your children, and your family will fail. God will not fail you. The Lord will keep your home, health, and marriage in a peaceful condition. Your testimony will bring healing and hope to many. 

Rejoice! What the enemy meant for evil, to steal, kill and destroy your faith and testimony is the very thing God will use to bless, favor and elevate you.

I declare healing and total restoration to your body, spirit, and soul of every woman reading this prayer. I command your womb to become fruitful, every cell and tissue in your body to supernaturally be regenerated in the mighty name of Jesus. 

On this day, the Lord has opened your womb and you will bring forth children and together your family shall serve the Lord all the days of your lives. Eyes have not seen, neither has ear heard what God has done in your life and family. 

Thank You, God, for answered prayers. We exalt Your name, all glory, all honor, and all adoration belong to You alone. You are the everlasting God, and your children look to you for everything. We will not lack anything good because you’re for us and not against us. All of these we have prayed in the mighty name of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. Amen!

Everyone is Pregnant except ME – Part 2.

This entry is part 2 of 2 in the series Everyone Is Pregnant

While believing God for our children, I often thought that I deserved this, after all, I was a reformed sinner, and God knows maybe my past was finally catching up with me.

Let me tell you this; Jesus died for sinners and not for righteous Christians. He died for you and me. He paid the price so we don’t have to. Quit being hard on yourself and start loving yourself, there is nothing you and I can do to stop God from loving or blessing us. Even when we are faithless, He cannot deny himself, He is faithful.

On the issues of past mistakes, deal with them and let them be settled once and forever. It is under the blood, as far as the east is from the west. That is how far God never remembers our sinful past. Learn to forgive yourself, it is so easy for us to forgive others but we struggle in forgiving ourselves. Don’t continue to live under condemnation, chose to live under the grace that is available to you today.

Before we conceived, there were days that all I did was cried, I couldn’t even pray. I would start with prayer and just ended up slobbering in tears. I would do all my crying in hubby’s absence and put a brave face on upon his return home.

My relationship with God grew; it started off with me just seeking his hands for what I can get. It developed into me seeking his face; it became about intimacy and a deeper walk with Him.

I will never forget the very night that everything changed for me. I had enough of it all, the sadness, the crying, and the begging. From all the pain and shame that I had felt and endured,
I cried out to God. Saying, “Give me a child, don’t give me a child; I am going to serve you all the days of my life!

 

We conceived 10 months after we got married, those 10 months were not fun. It might have been 10 yrs! I didn’t experience any morning sicknesses most women do. My pregnancy was beautiful and it wasn’t anything like I had imagined. Seriously I was prepared for the worst but it never happened. Pregnancy agreed with me so well, I was ready to do it all over again as soon as the baby was out.

When our first child was 15 months we found out that we were to be parents again! This was not accidental, it was intentional. We have been ever so busy trying to conceive again. Exciting right? Yeah, it was all too much for my little mind to take; God loves me, He does really love me. Oh and Adey too, lol!

While waiting to conceive our second child I panicked again, why wasn’t I getting pregnant again and I became concerned plus worried. Can you believe my effrontery? That is how we human beings are. We are no different from the children of Israel after seeing signs, wonders and miracles that God did for them. Still they doubted and questioned God.

Thank God for a praying husband who reminded me again that God promised us children, not a child based on the scripture we stood on (Psalm 127:3) Thank God for a wise sister who reminded me that with each battle you encounter you will have to use a different weapon; you can’t fight every battle the same way. Pray and ask God which key will unlock your blessings. He will show you which one to use.

We are now the humble parents of 2 beautiful children, life is not the same since they arrived. We won’t change it for anything. We had to walk the faith-walk for our children.

We had to see our children with the eyes of faith before they were conceived. We took steps in the natural as if our children were already here in anticipation of their arrival.

God is a God of order, put your home in order now. Put your marriage and finances in order before the arrival of the children. Have one vision for your family and walk in unity as a couple. This will not be the last battle you are going to fight together; get it right now.

Remember it is not about the destination but much more about the lessons you will learn on the way to your destination. What is God teaching you in this season? The earlier you learn it the quicker you will be at your destination.

Watch the words of your mouth. You can do everything right but destroy it all with the words that you are confessing over yourself. Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof (Proverbs 18:21). Speak your future and not your past or problems, if you have nothing better to say then say nothing. Don’t be quick to reply to everyone that offends you or were insensitive toward you.

Remember you might be over-sensitive yourself while going thru this journey. So be considerate towards others especially if they speak out of ignorant during this period.

All that you are going through and experiencing right now will help you to be a more humble and better mother. Your appreciation for life and the things of God will never be the same. You will be more considerate towards other women that will walk in your shoes.

I live every day grateful for what the Lord has done for us. I certainly don’t deserve His goodness, mercy, and favor. He is merciful and I am forever grateful to Him for the rest of my life.

I know that if He can do it for us, He can absolutely without a doubt in my mind do it for you. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful (Hebrews 10:23)

My Prayer for You

God will be the glory and lifter of your head. You will be called by a new name, Mom. You will no longer be forsaken, for the Lord has called you like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit. Like a youthful wife when you were refused.

Do not fear, you will not be ashamed or disgraced, for you will not be put to shame. For you will forget the shame of your youth.

God will prepare a table before you in the presence of your enemies; He will anoint your head with oil. The same people who rejoice over your predicament will come and see what the Lord has done.

Be encouraged, what is impossible with man, IS POSSIBLE WITH GOD.

Helpful tips to help you cope during these challenging time – Helpful Tips – while you wait on God

 

Everyone Is Pregnant Except ME – Part 1.

This entry is part 1 of 2 in the series Everyone Is Pregnant

Everyone is pregnant except me! With tears rolling down my face. That was my over-the-top outburst to hubby on returning from the Mall.

You might have mistaken the mall for some “Stroller Olympics” or a “Stroller Convention.”

I have never seen so many pregnant women in one place or so many moms pushing their strollers while pregnant.

I don’t remember why I went to the mall, but I returned empty-handed because I couldn’t handle all the pregnancies. Yes, I may be exaggerating a little, but all I saw were pregnant women at every turn.

We had just been married less than a year, and I desired to have children on our wedding night if it was possible.  All I saw were pregnant women everywhere all the time.

I bet you are wondering, why was I so desperate to get pregnant so soon?

To understand the present or future, we must sometimes take a step back into the past. However much we don’t want to re-live those horrible feelings and experiences.

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Friends or Frenemies – Part 2

This entry is part 2 of 2 in the series Friends Or Frenemies

In Part 1, I talked about my emotional melt down and pity-party, how I felt alone and friendless. Thank God we don’t walk by feelings alone.

I might have had my moments of pity-party but I did not completely lose my mind to assume that my friends are bad.

There are different levels of relationships and once you identify them for what they really are. You will save yourself a lot of heartbreak, disappointment and unrealistic expectations.

Take an inventory of those in your life and drop the dead weight that are holding you back. Where God is taking you, you can’t take Lot with you. If God had already taken Lot out of your life, don’t invite him back or look back like Lot’s wife did.

Different types of friendships.

1. Church friends – These are friends that you attend the same church with. These relationships can develop into deep friendship but a lot of the times they are just church friends. They might not necessarily call you if you’re absent from the church for weeks. It doesn’t mean that they are bad friends, they might not want to over step their boundaries. If you invest more effort in these friendships it can certainly develop into a beautiful relationship simply because you have the love of God in common.

2. Online friends – These are your cyber friends that you met online such as Facebook, blogs etc.  You only really talk to them when you are online and they don’t have your contact details other than email address. Means of communication is usually thru Messengers, Skype, etc.

Can this type of friendship developed to real friendship? Yes but not all the time. They don’t know the real you and in cyberspace, it is so easy to create a false persona. You might be true to yourself but how do you know that they are whom they profess to be? Take these relationships nice and slow and you could have a pen-pal friendship in the end but tread with caution.

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Friends Or Frenemies – Part 1

This entry is part 1 of 2 in the series Friends Or Frenemies

Today (21 November), I had an emotional melt down plus a pity party. I have had better days than today and I am glad it is over. It is one thing to have an emotional melt down but plus a pity party? That is a sad combination.

So what happened? My husband who some of you know is also my best friend has been working abroad for the last 12 days. I miss him and I am tired along with being pregnant. I considered myself to be a strong person so I am just going to blame everything on my hormones (denial).

Yes, I am pregnant and at home with 2 toddlers under the age of 4yrs old. I love being a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) and I usually cope well when hubby is away. Still, play along with me since I am blaming everything on my hormones (denial again)

I woke up really tired and tried getting ready for church, the children were not co-operating or so it seems. I decided maybe it was best we stayed home instead.

Out of nowhere and without notice, I just felt really sad and alone. I started weeping and I was just down on myself for no reason.

The truth is in the last12 days since hubby left, I have had less human contacts and very few contact with the outside world. My phone hardly rings and when I had tried to reach some friends and family I was greeted with their voicemail and my calls were not returned.

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Singles Talk: Who Should Pay?

While Adey and I were courting, we saw each other on and off about 5 times before I eventually move to America to plan our wedding. I was living in London while we were dating and I paid for all my travelling expenses. It never occurred to me to ask him and he didn’t offer to pay for my flight either.

Y’all know I was a desperado right? Oh yeah! I knew what I wanted and I was going for it and nothing was going to get in my way. Not even who pays for what.

I was single and fabulous (still fabulous) and I had my own money. It never occurred to me to ask at all.

In all honesty I figured that once I am in, I will be greatly reimbursed for all my costs, lol. For real too, I wanted babies and a happy marriage as my reimbursement. (Which he’s awesomely doing) Not cash and gift that I would spend in no time (that he’s also doing) and didn’t have any lasting value.

So this was what happened to my girl friend, she met Mr. Right (me think) but he didn’t offer to pay for her flight or any of her travelling expenses and she was not happy about it. She also felt that he should be calling more; she didn’t try too hard herself because she believed that was his job.

To cut a long boring story short, she dropped him. Who was at fault? What really are the rules of long distance dating?

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The Season To Remember Others…….

Its Thanksgiving and I find myself struggling to write something that has that festive feeling appropriate for this season.

At first it just didn’t make sense, and then it occurred to me why? I bet you are curious too.

Not so long ago I actually detested any festive holidays. It was yet another reason to remember my lonely state of mind and how I didn’t have this and that to fill my life with. It was a time to watch others living the life I so longed for.

A few years back I joined my family for yet another Christmas dinner, it was nice of them to include me. The truth was I felt out-of-place, sometimes I can’t help thinking maybe they feel sorry for me and can’t bear to see me spend another festive holiday alone with my Chinese fried rice and wonton soup.

The evening was going great, lovely food and nice company. Just then my nephew asked me a question. “Aunty why don’t we see uncle again”????

Children are just plain honest, aren’t they? They are pure and innocent; they often say things that adults won’t dare! Uncle was my ex. If silence could kill, I wanted to be dead on the spot. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.

Nobody said a word; it seems like forever before I could muster something sensible out of my big mouth. My lips were dry, the food no longer had any flavor and for a split second innocent nephew wasn’t so cute. 

I must have said something but I can’t remember what, I stayed and spend a few more hours with them and the moment I got into my car, I busted into tears.

I cried from the depth of my soul. I cried because what my nephew said struck a chord with me.

We bring people into our lives and we never know the impact it will have on others. My nephew didn’t understand that we were no longer together. One day, uncle was there and now he’s gone. Then I realized I am becoming the funny Aunty in the family. Every family has either a crazy uncle or a funny aunty.

I was becoming the “funny aunty” and these innocents ones are around to see it? Oh Lord I reject it.  The rest of Christmas was just miserable, I hated the Christmas carol, and I hated the decorations, especially Rudolf the red nose reindeer. Why? I don’t know, I just did!

So as we celebrate Thanksgiving and we are very merry, spare a thought and a prayer for others that are less fortunate. Others that can’t care less for the spirit of the season. The fatherless, motherless, widowed, Orphans, the scorned wife, mom in waiting, the prodigal child, misunderstood husband, the lonely and abandoned. The single, divorced, separated, and the single parents. Those that are homeless, those that are hopeless, those struggling with addiction. That mother, who just miscarried a pregnancy, buried a child, the prodigal sons and daughters wrestling with the decision to return home or not.

The mother who is nursing a painful secret of abortion or adoption. The separated father who remembers his children are out there but can’t even begin to think of how to go about reconciliation after all these decades.

Those in the military, armed services, serving our nation and not spending this time with their family.  Missionaries all over the world serving God, fulfilling their divine calling but still missing their family.

I know and feel your pain; I empathize with you. I wish I can tell you it will get better tonight but I would be lying. You don’t need that from me, it will get better with time though.

As dark and painful things might seem, there is hope in Christ. You don’t have to be religious or even be a Christian to believe in that hope. Jesus came and died for everyone and especially you. He can fill that void and pain right now, just call on to Him. That simple? Yes, go on and try it.

Prayer
I pray that your tears will soon become tears of joy and not sadness. Your mourning will become dancing, no more sad songs, and may your lips be filled with praises.

May you find forgiveness, peace, love, and joy. Jesus is the reason for the season. May you enjoy his peace and blessings this holiday season.

Thinking of you, you are in my prayers.

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Great Fathers Are A Blessing.

After my father died, my world as I knew it changed forever. Growing up and having my father around was great. I took it for granted that he would always be around. I was a teenager when he died and I never wanted anyone else to take his place. 

Since his passing on, I have had very few male role models in my life; I have not looked for any. I didn’t think I needed one either.

I have otherwise been blessed with a few male role models in my life, they might not regard themselves as a father figure but they have played a role in my life that I will forever be grateful to them all the days of my life

My brother, Julius stepped up to the plate when Daddy died. He was a young man himself needing his father but he just really rallies us together and was there for us all. I remember when I arrived in London in 1989, how he took good care of me. He helped me to get my first job working at McDonald. He failed to tell me why we were going there though. Lol!!

I was so excited thinking he’s going to buy me my favorite McChicken sandwich with a vanilla milkshake. Until we got there and his friend the manager came out and they both started talking about me like I wasn’t there. My mind was still fixated on the food and I wasn’t paying much attention to their conversation until he said I would be back to start work the following day. Suffice to say he didn’t buy me any McChicken sandwich before leaving.

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The 15 Lessons I’ve Learned In 5 years Of Marriage

I’ve been reflecting on the 15 marriage lessons I have learned in our 5 years of marriage. Compare to some, my husband and I are newbies in the marital dance. We try not to keep these lessons to ourselves, others may benefit from our experience just as we have benefitted from others experiences. So, let us share it with one another.

There are more lessons but trying to keep my blog post short!

These are just a few from a long list of important lessons I have learnt along the way.

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Get Desperate With God And Get MARRIED.

One of the questions I get asked from people after hearing my testimony about marriage is, ”What did you do to finally marry the right person?”

My answer is always the same. I got desperate and serious with God.

We all tend to think what we’ve been through is not a big deal, but it is. Especially if you come out smelling of the goodness of God, it is a super-duper BIG DEAL.

I will never take God’s blessings for granted, ever!

So I was at a stage in my life that I had everything else going for me except for one thing. Marriage. I was in my mid-30’s and that was the only thing missing from my life. I didn’t want another career or another weight loss idea. I didn’t need a manicure and pedicure, or a designer bag. I didn’t want another expensive holiday. Nothing could fill that yearning I had to be married and have children.

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No More Cleavage In The House Of God

Well, I know some people will be offended by this post. That is all right. The truth sometimes hurts. Ouch!

My intention is not to offend but to bring awareness and correction to something that is an ongoing issue in our churches today.

I have lived on 3 continents; Africa, Europe and North America. Its is the same issue all over. This is not just an America issue.

If we call ourselves Christians, shouldn’t we act like one? Christian means to be Christ-like. Are you truly portraying Christ in the way you dress?

The line that once distinguished Christians from non Christians has become severely blurred. 

It is easier to judge those in the world for their bad behaviors. They don’t know any better. They are not saved and their minds are not renewed. What then shall we say of our fellow sisters in the Lord showing off their blessed assurance for all to see? Are they still in the world, too? 1 Timothy 2:9 says, “ I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety.” Continue reading

Does Mama Really Knows Best?

As I was bathing my little son. He’s 16 months, a super cute, handsome little fella with the biggest smile! 

My mind begins to wander while I stared into his smiling face, questions rushing thru my mind. One of the questions was Does Mama Really Knows Best? 

It got me thinking about my mother and myself, now a mother of 2 children. Do I really know what is best for them?

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20 Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship

Women are sometimes confused with what is classified as abusive behavior. It is not until he physically hits you. There are obvious signs along the way you might have chosen to ignore, that your friends and family can see them.

Call it whatever name you want to emotional abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, and domestic abuse. Abuse is abuse.

Often, it is kept as a secret because women usually blame themselves and they feel ashamed that they have permitted them.

Look, it happens to people, period! You name it; even to the most educated and intelligent person. Yes, you can have Ph.D., MBA… and still, make a bad choice in a partner. 

Usually, the abusive person has issues, not you. Ok, you are the enabler in the name of “love”. Oh please! Not the “I love him all over again”.

Just because you are in a relationship does not mean that you should give up on your life. Just because you want love in your life does not mean that you should permit someone to abuse you

That is what we do when we allow other people to hurt us and we stay with them. In the US once you are 18 years and above, the law considers you are capable of making certain decisions for yourself. GROW up and take charge of your life!

Signs to look for.

1. Friends and families can’t stand him

2. He tells you that your friends are no good and he makes it almost impossible for you to have any friends. – He tells you what to wear.

3. He robbed you of your self-esteem and dignity by constantly telling you that you are; fat and ugly, no one else will have you. You should be happy and grateful you have him, you are nothing.

4. He destroys your personal belongings, personal pictures, wedding pictures, and heirlooms.

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Submission

While visiting Dallas this week, we worshipped at Potter’s House in Dallas with Bishop TD Jakes, it was awesome, and we had a great time. I have always wanted to visit Potter’s House and experience it live and I was not disappointed at all. The Bishop was there while the praise and worship was phenomenal.

Bishop taught on Submission, whenever I have heard sermons on submission it  is usually from a marriage perspective. I thought that was the angle he was going to teach from, oh boy! Was I wrong?

“For women at times, we don’t want to hear another sermon on submission. I don’t have issues with that topic at all; I learnt years ago that you cannot submit to a man until you submit to God first”

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Before “I Do” – Part 3 In-Laws

This entry is part 3 of 4 in the series Before "I Do"

In-laws to most but Outlaws to a few! In-laws come with the marriage, whether you like them or not. It’s like living in Texas; you don’t have a choice about the sales tax. 

When you marry, you do not only marry that person; you get the entire family. You cannot ignore that these people exist; you will have to form a relationship with them. If only because it makes your partner happy knowing how important they are to him.

Deal with it; your partner didn’t fall from the sky. Someone gave birth to him, loved, nurtured him, and who he is today because of their impact. Just as your parents loved and cared for you, the same goes for him too.

This is a crucial topic for everyone to discuss, especially for these two groups seriously. 

A – Divorcee.

B – Single parent.

I would suggest they really discuss these issues fully since they may have had a brush with the outlaws’ in-laws in their previous relationship, especially If it was negative. They want to be very careful not to bring that bad experience over into a new relationship.

I am enjoying and loving my in-laws. They are not in-laws anymore; they are my family. I had a really nasty not so good experience in my formal life, but thank God that’s all in the past. Honestly, I never thought it was possible to have good in-laws, but I am here to tell you it’s possible. God is truly a God of restoration, and He makes all things new and wonderful.

For the single mom coming into a new family, exercise much patience, and not be defensive. Give your new family time to bond with you and your child/ren. Your spouse’s support is critical, and you have that already or won’t be at this stage. As much as you may want everyone to get along, your primary focus is your initial family. Ensure that the bond with your spouse and child/ren is good because, ultimately, you all have to live together.

We’ve all heard the Mother-in-law jokes; that’s some people’s reality. 

Everybody Loves Raymond is an American sitcom. The Mother-in-law, played by Marie Janella Barone, is one of the show’s stars, played by the lovely Doris Roberts. My husband and I love watching it. As funny as it is, I can’t help feeling sorry for Debra (Patricia Heaton), Ray’s wife. The mother-in-law is lovable but also very manipulating. I usually joke with my husband after watching an episode that there is no way I can live next door to Doris; I’d rather leave an entire State for her.

Why discuss in-laws before marriage?

In-laws can either help or break your marriage. It is best to be on their good side. Yes, you can’t please some people no matter what you do, but you can choose to walk in love and forgiveness with them regardless of how they treat you. There is a saying that goes, “keeps your friends close, and your enemy closer” is true. Treat your in-laws with kid gloves and be respectful.

God is the author of marriage, and He should be the foundation. When you make God the foundation of your marriage, nobody can destroy it, they may try, but they will not succeed. That is why it is vital to get the foundation right, avoid building on a shaky foundation. We are to count the cost before building (Luke 14:28)

Know who you are marrying.

What do I mean by this? It is very critical that you understand the relationship your husband-to-be has with his family. Their closeness might have been an attractive quality to you while dating but being married is different. Depending on who you are marrying, there comes certain responsibilities and duties, and you need to be aware of that.

Is he the first or only child?

Traditionally, the family’s first child has a role to play, whether they agreed to it or not. They are born with the role of a leader, the go-to-person in the time of problems. In the absence of the parent, they become the head of the family.

The first or only child – Parents have heavily invested in the first and only child. A lot of sweat equity has gone into the child. Especially if it’s a male child, they are often burdened by exceedingly high parental expectations. Their failures and successes become their parents’ too.

The parents (especially the mother) feels strongly connected to them and won’t let anybody knock her out of his life. You ain’t going to get mama out-of-the-way just like that. She has been No.1 and intends to remain the reigning queen, whether you like it or not.  You have to work with your husband in wisdom for the reversal of roles over time.

Ok, as a mom myself, I get it! Although I don’t plan to be the MILH (Mother-In-Law from Hell). We tried for a while before conceiving our first child. Oh boy! I had never prayed as much as I did when we were trying to get pregnant. I had her by C-Section, and nothing has been the same ever since we brought her home. She is perfect, and we adore her. I would hate for her to get married to some hotshot who thinks we are not important anymore. Just the thought of that makes me break out in tongues (speaking in tongues).

So I know how tough it is for moms, especially – I have been on both sides, and I know that will make me embrace my future son and daughters-in-law. Furthermore, having good In-laws have taught me a better way, and I see the benefits of a wonderful family.

I am older, and just a little bit wiser, that not-so-good experience I had in the past taught me a lot. I don’t recommend that you need to experience divorce to learn these lessons. I honestly believe that sometimes as a new bride, one can be clueless about dealing with the in-laws and mess a good thing up due to lack of wisdom. The incoming daughter should give the new family a chance; relationships will not blossom overnight. Marriage is not a race but a marathon, don’t rush in expecting to be best friends; give it some time. It will take some time for roles to change, be patient, and you will enjoy your new family in time to come.

Respect your In-Laws

This is sometimes harder to do when there is fracas already. Respecting them will help you in the long-run. You love their son, therefore respect them. Respect their home when you visit them, mind your language when you are around them. Respect their boundaries even if you don’t understand it. Understand that there is a generation gap, and it seems so 1920’s. Respect that they raised your husband-to-be, so they have done something right. Dress appropriately when you visit them, keep your negative feedback to yourself. They are not your parents, who you might feel you are free to talk to however you like to.

Conflicts

Oh boy! Conflicts with the in-laws are not a good step forward, but it can eventually be resolved. The best thing to do from now is to maintain a dignified silence. You have probably said too much already. One of the worst things you can do is vent your feelings and tell your In-laws how you really feel about them. The Bible says a wise man ponders his thoughts. Silence is truly golden sometimes.

Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue; Proverbs 17:28

Save your energy and please don’t try and prove any point to your in-laws. Invest your time in working things out with your husband to make peace.

If you find yourself having to defend yourself against them: then maybe your spouse has dropped the ball. It’s not your job to fight or defend yourself; that’s for him to do and vice visa. He knows his family better, he knows the best way to approach them than you, and they will always forgive him.

Sometimes the young and inexperienced wife does not help by the way she handles matters. Coming into marriage with unrealistic expectations, thinking he loves her and should straighten his mom and family up. That just won’t cut it, remember he knows them the longest and is fiercely loyal to them. He sees them through the eyes of love, they know his weaknesses and strengths, and they have been there a long time before you showed up “looking fine.” It will take time for him to see them any other way, and nagging him will not get him there faster, if at all.

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the
foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1

Prayer – There is power in prayer; instead of venting all your feelings to the In-Laws, vent your feelings to God. Learn to fight your battles on your knees in prayer. Let God fight your battles, and you keep your peace and be still.

 

James 5:16: The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. Take your issues to God and see how He will turn them around. Remember to continue to keep a dignified silence, walk in love, and forgiveness.

We must continue to keep in front of us the ultimate goal, which is two becoming one. This process will take time, and we must never forget that we are on the same side.

It is better to discuss these issues and be honest about your families before you say ‘I Do.’

Christmas Holiday – Is it a tradition to spend festive time with the in-laws?

Find out what he has already told his family about you.

Find out what their personalities are like; that way, you identify them, and that will save you from getting mad over nothing.

When visiting in-laws, where do you stay? Hotel or in-law’s home?

(This is Part 3 of 5 series of Before “I Do”)