Before “I Do” – Part 2 Sex

This entry is part 2 of 4 in the series Before "I Do"

There is no easy way to broach this subject, so we might as well dive into it.

It is just 3 letters, S-E-X, yet very powerful.

When I first mentioned to a friend that I’m writing about the types of questions you should ask before saying “I Do” and mentioned “sex,” she was somewhat surprised that these questions would be brought up before marriage – and I know exactly where she’s coming from.

As a born again and spirit-filled Christian that isn’t engaging or participating in anything of a sexual nature before wedlock, how can you talk about S-E-X?

Well, there are ways to talk about sex without it being sexual. This is not a conversation to have in your “boudoir” with Marvin Gaye playing in the background. You must be conscious of every appearance of evil.

God created sex, and it is a good thing. God is not in the habit of creating bad stuff. I have heard people say that the Church has an obligation to talk more about these issues. However, we have become a nation of people who love passing on our personal responsibilities to others. What next are we going to ask the Church to do, give us sex lessons? Oh, please, don’t get me started!

I beg to differ, it is a sensitive subject, and I surely do not want to have these discussions in the same room as my friend’s parent, huh! Anyway, back to the discussion at hand.

Why discuss sex? Communication is an essential part of marriage. 

The Bible says: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Genesis 2:24

The goal is to become ONE. For that to happen, there has to be a lot of letting go of how it was done in the past. We have to start afresh and learn together as one. 

The word “cleave” means to cut off, cling to, hold on to, separate from the old, and embrace the new. To put behind you everything you knew before, every habit, every way of doing it with others. To start afresh with your new partner, learn together, and be one.

Therefore, you need to discuss sex, and here are several good reasons why:

Your future partner (FP) may be sexually more advanced than you. It would help if you found out what his/her expectations are.

What if your FP has what you may consider as ‘sick fantasies’? You will need to flesh them out before you say, “I Do.”

You need to know about their sexual appetite – i.e., how frequently you are expected to do the “marital dance.”

What kind of dance do they have in mind, is it the Tango, Waltz, Quickstep or the Paso Doble? This is the time to lay it all out, what you will and will not engage in.

Sex should be between a man and a woman, but you may be surprised to find out that your Christian FP may also think it’s okay to bring visual aids, such as porn or making your own “home movies”  into your marital bedroom. You need to know right now before you say, “I Do.” We are all at different levels in our walk of faith; do not ever assume that they do not have an obscure way of thinking because they are believers. FYI: You are not marrying Jesus. 

Children love roleplaying, but what if your ‘mature’ FP still wants to role-play? Are you game for playing nurse or patient or maybe daffy duck? Huh!

Will they be willing to have a blood test done before you say ”I Do”?

Are they on the sex offenders register for something they had done in the past before coming to the Lord? This is a must for single moms.

I watched a disturbing documentary about this issue when a pedophile bounded with a single mom; she ended marrying the man because of his relationship with her child, only discovering the damage he had done.

It is also important to find out if they’d ever engaged in same-sex relationships or fantasized about it.

Be clear about what your boundaries are and make it plain.

How comfortable is your FP  about talking about sex? What else are they not comfortable discussing with you? After all, you guys are planning to spend the rest of your lives together.

What if they don’t want to engage in sex at all? Shocking! Right? You’ll never know until you ask before you say ”I Do”.

If you think these questions are unnecessary or difficult to discuss before you say “I Do,” then maybe you are not ready to say “I Do” just yet.

(This is Part 2 of 5 series of Before “I Do”)

Before “I DO” – Part 1 Money

This entry is part 1 of 4 in the series Before "I Do"

There are many gray areas to be discussed before you say, “I DO.” It is a well-known fact that some of the reasons for marital problems are;

1, Money issues,

2, Sex,

3, In-Laws (outlaws!),

4, Religion,

5. Children.

Some people are not comfortable talking about money or sex. Hence, why the right questions are not asked before they say I do.

No wonder after you’re married, you discover that you have been lied to. Could it be that you did not ask the right questions?

Men do not talk much; as we all know, men are very different from women (thank God!). A man may not offer to tell you some personal information that a woman would consider relevant. Therefore, what is relevant to a woman is not necessarily so to a man.

Asking the right questions will eliminate some of the confusion that will surely arise later after the wedlock.

In this part, let us talk about Money, Money, and Money!

In a marriage, there is no such thing as my money and your money. It is our money; it cannot be separated.

Salary – How much do you earn? It sounds so simple, yet you won’t believe that some women do not know how much their spouse earns?  The main salary before overtime, do not estimate for income that is not guaranteed.

Savings – How crucial is savings to you? As one who loves to save, you really need to find out if you are marrying a spender or a saver. Just in case he’s a spender, that is not the ground not to marry him. Know whom you are marrying; that is the whole point.

FICO score: Find out what the FICO score is now. If you do not ask now, you will pay the price later. Why not at least know what price you are willing to pay.  If you do not know what a FICO score is (USA), maybe you are not ready to get married just yet.

Credit Cards – How much debt do they have on their credit cards? You may be surprised to find out that all that eating out he’s been paying for with his credit card, you will help him pay it back with interest afterward.

How many credit cards does he have? How many is too much?

Car Note – How much car note is outstanding and at what rate of interest. How long does he intend to pay it off for?

Does he own his car, or is he leasing? If leasing, why? This may not apply if he owns his business.

Is he/she financially responsible for any family members? Ok, let me make this clearer. This may not apply to everyone, but if you marry anyone of African descent, you’d better ask quickly! Usually, we are our parents’ social security, pension, and healthcare plan. We also have uncle, aunties, nieces, and nephews on our payroll. I really cannot get into that right now. It is a whole enchilada!

How much has he already committed to helping families and friends before you arrived on the scene? It is very vital to find out; these are commitments he made in the past.

You need to discuss and find out if he is open to renegotiating or forgoing some of those commitments. You both must consider that a single lifestyle and marriage are very different, especially in cost terms.

Lending Money – an essential topic to hash or thrash out now before you say I do. Your man/woman could be a very generous person who thinks it’s ok to lend money to everyone. Some will even co-sign without discussing with their spouse. Lending money and co-signing for friends and families are very sensitive topics; tread very carefully.

Buying or Renting – Your first home – where are you going to live? Do you rent or buy? Do we move into your current home or rented accommodation?

Joint or separate accounts?

Whose money is it anyway?

Wedding cost – Who is paying for what? How big, how small. I know it is customary for the groom and bride’s parents to take on different parts of the bill. What if none of your parents are alive or could afford it? Dish traditions and plan a wedding you can both afford. Do not assume your partner wants a big wedding, and that is your motivation for one. You might end up footing a wedding neither of you wanted.

Divorced and Single Parent Issues – How much is the Alimony, how much is the child maintenance? Does he/she owe any back payment, and how will this affect the income? What kind of agreement do they have in place right now? Child visitation rights etc.

Identify the best person for handling money and let them be in charge of paying bills. The other partner must show interest and know how much the monthly expenses are. It is not just one person’s job. If the other partner does not get involved, you open yourself for abuse to occur.

Financial Goals. What are your financial goals? What big project do you have in mind for the future? Now that two are becoming one, there has to be some compromise. Except if you are a millionaire, you cannot have it all.

Financial secrets – After you have discussed all the questions. Ask them if they want to own up to any financial secrets or shame. Such as a Foreclosure or Bankruptcy.  Allow them to talk freely.

These are just guidelines to start the discussion. There are many more questions you can think of.

(This is Part 1 of 5 series of Before “I Do”)

The Year Of DOING IT

Most people start the new year with a set of goals and visions. I certainly had my list too. 

I’ve run out of excuses for not achieving my goals.

Enough is enough, it’s time to grow up and be an adult. There will always be something that’s preventing us from achieving our goals if we let it. Life is about seasons. Identify your current season, then set realistic goals.

Continue reading

The Truth About Marriage Your Married Friends Are Not Telling You.

Don’t get me wrong marriage is great, I am very happy with mine, but there are some truths about marriage your married friends may not have told you.

Most times, you will only find out the truth during a divorce, how miserable the relationship was, even though at the time they appeared like the perfect couple! 

There are different kinds of marriages out there; you will be amazed that your motives for getting married are different from your partner.

You’d better ask the right questions before you say I do, just don’t assume their motives are the same as yours. Hello! You really don’t know anyone that well except for what they are willing to share with you.

15 Truths You Need To Know Before Getting Married. 

1. Marriage will not make you happier if you weren’t already.

2. If you are a boring Singleton, you are likely to become more boring especially if you are not open to new ideas.

3. Marriage will not change who you already are, rather reveal your true-self. 

4. Marriage will not solve your problem, it would more than likely create additional problems.

5. Marriage is for mature people and maturity has nothing to do with age.

6. Marriage isn’t cheap. There are more bills to be paid when you get married. If you can’t pay your bills now then you are going to struggle with debt.

7. Men – If you don’t like to talk, don’t get married because women love to talk especially with their husband.

8. If you enjoy the freedom of being single, keep on enjoying it, because marriage will place a demand on your time. It’s not all about you anymore. 

9. Marriage can be stressful, and stress is bad for your health.

10. Marriage does not mean more sex. Nah!

11. You are not just marrying your partner, you get the entire family!

12. Getting married is cheap but divorce is expensive and can give you a bad credit.

13. You are likely to put on weight.

14. You become a better actor/actress in marriage by pretending not to notice how embarrassing your partner behave sometimes. 

 15. You really discover who you’re married to later not before.

Joseph, The Forgotten.

Little is written about Joseph the carpenter, the father of Jesus. Joseph represents A man of great courage, integrity, obedience, and great faith. These are qualities one should look out for in a man.

Nothing could have prepared him for the route his life took. Let us travel in Joseph’s shoes for a moment.  In his late teens, Joseph fell in love with a maiden by the name of Mary, with the hope that they will get married. I guess they were just like normal teenagers in their time, excited about what the future will be ahead for them.

I bet not in a million years did they think that their lives would change the way it did. Just like you and I today, some of the things we had being or going through, we never thought we would be where we are today. Reality is always different from what we imagined; reality is what we all do, not fantasy.      Continue reading