Relationship deal breakers list are simply a list of things you wont put up with. It’s that simple; know the things you are willing to compromise on and those that are “non-negotiable.
Deal breakers are major difference in values and beliefs, red flags. They are boundary that people ought to set for themselves because they know that falling in love can make them do crazy things.
The whole essence of dating is getting to know each other intimately. Use this time to find out more about them, their religious beliefs, family background, past relationship, core and moral beliefs etc
Far too many of us are spending unnecessary time in a relationship that simply isn’t working for you right now or in the long run. Don’t be afraid to ask the right questions, if they leave you after being direct then thank your lucky star. The right person for you will not be afraid of your questions or your being direct. They will value it and know that you are sincere in your pursuit of marriage.
While I understand that making a list is not for everyone, I am a detail-oriented person. Everyone must find what works for them and still commit it into God’s hands.
It’s also important to point out that you must be realistic and honest with thyself. You expectations must be realistic and not a fantasy. Your expectations must align with the future you envisioned in your mind.
A few good men fell by this list, they were not bad guys, they were not the one for me. Having my list and others experienced married women in my life helped me to stay focused. For by wise counsel you shall make your war: and in multitude of counsellors there is safety Proverbs 24:6
My final list looks like this and they are also my deal-breakers!
I recently came across a program on VHI called “What Chilli Wants”. What Chilli Wants is an American reality series on VH1 starring Chilli, one-third of the Grammy Award-winning R&BtrioTLC. The show chronicles Chilli’s quest to find love with the help of Tionna T. Smalls, an author, relationship coach, a single mom and in her 30’s.
I have watched some episodes and I find it quite interesting and entertaining. Everyone seems to be giving Chilli a hard time for having a list.
What is wrong with having a list that guides and help you so you don’t make the same mistake as the past?
What is a list? It is simply a list of all the qualities you want in your partner. It helps you stay focused on your goals and make your dates more meaningful.
I am almost addicted to making a list; you all remember the simple list I mentioned here. I have a list for everything, to-do list, short-term goal, weekly shopping list, the list goes on and on.
In my 20’s I didn’t bother about making a list, all my focus was on Love. Yeah, there is nothing wrong with love but there is more to marriage than love. So it’s no surprise when I was ready to settle down in my 30’s, I got out my pen and paper and made a list. Over time my list have changed as I became more aware of what I really wanted.
Bukville is ONE-year-old, wow! How time flies when you are having fun and pursuing your passion.
It seems like just yesterday when I was struggling to make sense of what blogging is all about? Deciding between WordPress and Blogger, and how to set up a WordPress blog.
How we have come a long way from that, and as befitting on our 1-year anniversary we have moved to a self-hosting domain. I hope it gives us more flexibility with what can be achieved as our plans and vision are enlarged.
How do you like the new look? I haven’t made up my mind yet on the final look and things may soon change around. What is important to me is to make the site user-friendly and accessible to all.
Got any suggestions? Share them with me and I may just consider it. Thanks!
I came across a blog days ago and it just refreshes my soul and also reminded me of a promise I made to myself in 2007 to give myself the permission to SHINE.
We all need a little reminder from time to time, and since reading the blog, I have been reflecting all over again about that promise.
As a child, my mum told me that I was never shy at all. I am the last child that had to be dragged away from the school play kicking and screaming. I was the little girl that hugs the limelight at another’s child birthday party, which you would almost mistake for the celebrant.
Life happens and after one knock and several more, you start to shy away from your real self. Words spoken by others in anger can also crush us to the core. We refuse to take a leading role in our own lives and start playing the supportive role instead.
While there is nothing wrong with that, the time has come for you to stop hiding away and taking being humble to a ridiculous level. You are missing out in your moment of glory, your time to shine is being passed over to others simply because you have forgotten to give yourself the permission to shine and stand out of the pack.
In a previous post, I mentioned how making a simple list helped to guide me and to stay focused on what I needed to do.
On that list was relocation to America. Relocating to America was not an easy decision for me; even though I know it was the right move for me.
London was more than a place of residence, it was my home. London represented my journey to being a woman. I had my first job and paycheck in London, I became a responsible daughter sending money to my mother in Nigeria. I gained my freedom in London, I rented my first room, then my first apartment and later I bought my very first home.
Dear Past, You have made me better, not bitter. Thanks for the lessons!
We have been friends long enough. Today, I have made a decision that we can no longer be friends. Your friendship has become a pain I can no longer bear. Your company is suffocating me. You have held me back long enough and today it ends!
Though you pretend to be a friend, you were also my oppressor and my prison. I will miss you but not for long. Don’t wait for my return. Don’t count on me running back to you again. This time my ship has set sail. The Lord is the captain of my ship. I will not return to my vomit.
The times that I have returned, I regretted it. You are no good for me and we can’t be friends. Friendship with you is enmity with God.
I will not choose you over God. I will not choose you over my destiny. Friendship with you is bondage!
How long will you hold me in bondage? The price of your friendship is just too much to pay. Yes, you have always been there, my loyal and painful friend.
You are my constant pity party, my comfort zone eating away at my confidence. You are the discouraging voice that won’t let me possess my future promises. The loudest and all too familiar voice in my head.
So long old pal. So long depression and bitterness. So long my all too familiar alter ego. So long misery and the loudest voice in my head. So long shame and shackle. So long comfort eating and overweight. So long loneliness and guilt.
Welcome my destiny, brighter may you shine. Welcome, God’s mercy and favor. Welcome clarity and honesty. Welcome forgiveness and growth. Welcome new testimonies and breakthrough. Welcome reconciliation and restoration. Welcome freedom, love, and truth. Welcome ME!
The past is one of the weapons the enemy keeps using against believers. He knows you are likely to lose focus, become weak, depressed and distracted. So he keeps bringing it up; just when you think you have dealt with it and overcome. It comes up again and again; remember he is an accuser of the brethren.
Have you found that he uses people in your life to bring up your past? Well meaning Christians, friends or family who know your intimate past will throw it at you with the intent to hurt you when you have a fall out!
Well, welcome to the real world. Everyone has a past. Let us deal with it because it will always hunt you if you don’t. It will be used by the enemy to derail your progress each time you are about to be promoted in life. Making a mistake is not the most important thing, recovering from it is.
God never bring up your past, devil does. Once you asked for forgiveness it is done and buried under the blood. As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us (Psalm 103:12)
It’s my birthday today and I feel younger than ever! I woke up to text messages from my siblings and friends, how nice and thoughtful.
I have everything I’ve wanted; God’s in our lives, Adey, the children, being pregnant and absolute joy and peace in my life. Money can’t buy any of those things.
I was serenaded with a special rendition of “happy birthday mom’’. Hahah how sweet, well done guys! I got presents too; a Balenciaga perfume and a house slipper. I can’t decide which one I love the most. I didn’t own a house slipper I usually wear Adey’s. My perfume smells lovely, thank you babe.
Just about 7 years ago, I was living in London, even though I liked having a career and a portfolio of properties that generates income for me on the side. I wanted more that money didn’t give me; I wanted my own family and I honestly didn’t think I could have that before I turned 40 yrs old. I am not yet 40 but getting closer to it.
I have been running a race against myself ever since; I didn’t want what anyone else had. I made a simple list of what I wanted and I started competing with myself.
This post is to my younger self, a conversation I wished someone had with me before I ever got married the first time. Are you ready for marriage? A little bit of background info to help make thing clearer to you as for why I should have had this dressing down talk.
I left home (Lagos, Nigeria) when I was 17 years old for London, England. I lived with my older brother for a short time and ever since then, I’ve lived by myself. I thought being born into a Christian family and attending church makes me a Christian.
No one wanted their freedom as much as I did. I had no clue of how to handle this new-found ”freedom”. Young, unguided, immature, and unteachable. I lived my life on my own terms. A lot of bad decisions leading to bad consequences.
Please note, I’m not asking for sympathy neither am I blaming anyone. I made my bed and I lied on it too. Getting to lie in this bed is a decision everyone must get to at a point in time.
Who really taught me how to be a wife or even a young lady? My folks were far away and really can’t see the stuff I was getting up to. Great for them, but not great for me.
Then one day out of the blue I thought I was in love and we were going to live forever in love, right? Nah!
If I had the chance to talk to my younger self, today. I would ask her the following:
15 Thought Provoking Questions You Should Ask Yourself Before Marriage.
What makes you think that you are ready for marriage?
What do you know about being a wife, a partner and working as a team?
What are you bringing to the table? What do you have to offer to your husband?
What do you know about a man? Do you understand the male species at all?
Do you know who you are and what are your strengths and weaknesses?
Are you complete in yourself first, to be joined to another person?
What are your core and moral values, what are your relationship deal breakers?
What role is God playing in your life and where are you in your walk with Christ?
Are you really a Christian by name only and what is the foundation of this supposed marriage?
Can you take criticism from others; can you take correction or direction?
Can you honor and obey; can you zip your big mouth and not have the last word always?
Do you love yourself?
Would you marry you?
Do you like what you see and who you have become?
Can you live with you for the rest of your life?
I can honestly tell you now that I was so clueless it was unbelievable, and some of us are still clueless too. God forbid someone had this dressing down with me back then. I’d probably tell them off and avoid them for a while.
The truth is always the truth at all times, regardless if you agree or disagree. In time everyone knows who loved them enough to risk jeopardizing a relationship in order to minister truth in love. In time you will come to appreciate and respect them.
This is why you shouldn’t stand for false friendship. Stop telling me what I want to hear, dare to tell me the truth and get my feelings hurt. It’s better to get hurt for a short-term than to keep going around repeating the same madness
You and I cannot afford to keep going round in circles; we have got to put an end to the madness. I’d rather have no friends at all than having people who can’t tell me the truth.
But are you ready to receive it though? Can you be an adult and take it without no hissy fit?
Some of us can’t take the truth and that is why those who know you best are watching you make a fool of yourself. The last time they told you just a whiny little bit, what did you do? You threw it back in their faces and turned around throwing mud at them, using all the ammunition and secrets that you knew about them against them.
How do I know this? Because I have been that person, and sincerely I don’t want you to walk that destructive road. How many more relationships will you ruin with that mouth of yours? Some of us can’t keep silent to save our lives! Well, that won’t work in any relationship; you must be able to hear the truth! You must be teachable to enter God’s promises or else you are going to spend longer than you should in the wilderness.
I am also not waiting for others to tell me the truth. I am going to confront myself and deal with my issues. I am not waiting for my pastor, my husband or anyone else, I am going to fall on my face and cry out to God to reveal who I am to me. I am going to humble myself before the Lord and refuse to move until He answers me.
I am going to be like Jacob and cry from the depth of my soul, ‘’I will not let you go until you bless me until you change my name and until you take the veil off my eyes and let me see who I am’’
One thing I’ve learned bitterly over the years is that we are the greatest liar to ourselves, we are the greatest obstacle to ourselves, we are just too proud to admit it. Stop blaming the devil for everything, yes he is evil. You’re doing real good all by yourself and he hasn’t even started with you yet.
Quit running from your issues and take a look at you. I mean really take an in-depth look and analyze yourself. Dare to be naked and face the truth and deal with it.
Do you like what you see? If you don’t, then do something and quit complaining about it. If you do like what you see, love it and embrace it.
This year put yourself in the driving seat and make your life ‘The Project’. You cannot afford not to do this. You cannot afford to keep making the same mistakes due to ignorance, childishness, pride, and stubbornness. Stop procrastinating and face these tough questions now.
Just because you think you are ready for marriage does not mean you are. You might like the idea of marriage but have no clue about it.
Age is not also a yardstick for getting married. I know some cool young couples in their early 20’s who have more common sense than me when I was in my 30’s. They are married and happy, while others in their 30’s and 40’s can’t even stay together for 2 years. Age is not maturity.
Most time we want to focus on the man, who he should be, how he should look, what kind of job he should have and can he take care of his business? Yeah, yeah, those are great questions but you are not ready for that now.
You have to work on you: deal with yourself first!
Those areas of weaknesses you see in yourself are just areas to be developed, listen and pay attention to them.
Success in marriage is more than finding the right person. It’s being the right person.
– Robert Browning
Your pretty face can open the door but your character and mouth will shut the door every time. The world is full of beautiful women, what else do you have to offer apart from your beauty?
Stop acting; you know you deserved an Academy Award for the best actress in your category. You and I are not fooling anyone except ourselves.
This is the first step to getting real and dealing with your issues. You know what they are, stop lying to yourself!
I have had to do this myself, deal with my issues and I’ve still got more to work on. I am not better than you or know it all. I have people in my life who will confront me, even though I might not enjoy it. I have to listen to them because it’s for my good. And I also know they are right!
My mouth has gotten me into a lot of trouble and also gotten me out of some. I’ve spent a lot of my time reading the book of Proverbs. The Bible doesn’t lie, if you want understanding then get wisdom (Proverbs 4:7). Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent (Proverbs 17:28) Hello!
Know your issues and work on them. You are not going to possess God’s best without knowing who you are and identifying the areas you need to focus on.
Jacob had to be transformed to be the father of the 12 tribes of Israel. He had to wrestle and contend with God at his time of desperate need. You cannot keep settling for less when you know it’s your Father’s good pleasure to give you the best.
This is your desperate hour, your desperate year. Are you ready for your full inheritance? I am sounding the alarm for you to wake up and take your rightful place. It is your time to arise and shine for your light has come. And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you. For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth and deep darkness the people. But the Lord will arise over you, and His glory will be seen upon you (Isaiah 60:1-2)
These are some helpful tips to help navigate those tough times while you wait on God to conceive your precious babies.
Please feel free to add to these lists as we learn and grow together.
Whether you chose to go through IVF, Natural or Adoption route you still need God’s guidance and agreement with your husband. Children are a gift and blessing and they will bring you a lot of joy and sleepless nights, lol.
They are not the source of happiness and they do not solve problems or a hectic lifestyle, they add to it.
It is very important to work on your marriage before you bring children into it as they can compound the problems you ignore.
To All The Mothers-in-Waiting. And the Lord remembered Hannah and it came to pass that she conceived and gave birth to Samuel. Then God remembered Rachel, she also gave birth to Joseph and Benjamin. God has not forgotten you and it shall come to pass for you too. He will give you beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. God has not forgotten you, He knows your name and address, He sees your heart and He will turn your pain and trial into testimonies. As many children as you desire the Lord will make you a joyful mother.
Every tear shall turn to joy and shouts of praise will fill your mouth forevermore. Amen! The Lord will wipe away all your tears, you will no longer suffer sadness, cry, shame, delay, miscarriage or stillbirth. Your affliction will never arise again. You are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. The Lord will fulfill the number of your days, you shall be fruitful and multiply and none shall have miscarriage or barren in your family ever again.
According to the word of God, you will be fruitful, multiply, fill and subdue the earth. Sarah bear fruit in her old age, no matter your age you shall bear fruit also.
None of God’s promises concerning you, your children and family will fail. God will not fail you. The Lord will keep your home, health, and marriage in peaceful condition. Your testimony will bring healing and hope to many.
Rejoice! What the enemy meant for evil, to steal, kill and destroy your faith and testimony is the very thing God will you to bless, favor and elevate you.
I declare healing and total restoration to your body, spirit, and soul of every mother reading this prayer. I command your womb to receive Holy Ghost fire, every cells and tissue in your body to supernaturally be regenerated in the mighty name of Jesus.
On this day, the Lord has opened your womb and you will bring forth children and together your family shall server the Lord all the days of your lives. Eyes have not seen, neither has ear heard what God has done in your life and family.
Thank You, God, for answered prayers. We exalt your name, all glory, all honor, and all adoration belong to you alone. You are the everlasting God, and we your children look to you for everything. We will not lack anything good because you are for us and not against us. All of these we have prayed in the mighty name of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. Amen!
While believing God for our children, I often thought that I deserved this, after all I was a reformed sinner, and God knows maybe my past is finally catching up with me.
Let me tell you this; Jesus died for sinners and not for righteous Christians. He died for you and I. He paid the price so we don’t have to. Quit being hard on yourself and start loving you, there is nothing you and I can do to stop God from loving or blessing us. Even when we are faithless, He cannot deny himself, He is faithful.
On the issues of past mistakes, deal with it and let it be settled once and forever. It is under the blood, as far as the east is from the west. That is how far God never remember our sinful past. Learn to forgive yourself, it is so easy for us to forgive others but we struggle in forgiving ourselves. Don’t continue to live under condemnation, chose to live under the grace that is available to you today.
Before we conceived, there were days that all I did was cried, I couldn’t even pray. I would start with prayer and just ended up slobbering in tears. I would do all my crying in Adey’s absence and put a brave face on upon his return home.
My relationship with God grew; it started off with me just seeking his hands for what I can get. It developed into me seeking his face; it became about intimacy and a deeper walk with Him.
I will never forget the very night that everything changed for me. I had enough of it all, the sadness, the crying, and the begging. From all the pain and shame that I had felt and endured,
I cried out to God. Saying, “Give me a child, don’t give me a child; I am going to serve you all the days of my life!
We conceived 10 months after we got married, those 10 months were not fun. It might have been 10 yrs! I didn’t experience all the nausea and morning sickness most women do. My pregnancy was beautiful and it wasn’t anything like I had imagined. Seriously I was prepared for the worst but it never happened. Pregnancy agreed with me so well, I was ready to do it all over again as soon as the baby was out.
When our first child was 18 months we found out that we were to be parents again! This was not accidental, it was intentional. We have been ever so busy trying to conceived again. Exciting right? Yeah it was all too much for my little mind to take; God loves me, He does really love me. Oh and Adey too, lol!
While waiting to conceive our second child I panicked again, why wasn’t I getting pregnant again and I became concerned plus worried. Can you believe my effrontery? That is how we human beings are. We are no different from the children of Israel after seeing signs, wonders and miracles that God did for them. Still they doubted and questioned God.
Thank God for a praying husband who reminded me again that God promised us children not a child based on the scripture we stood on (Psalm 127:3) Thank God for a wise sister who reminded me that with each battle you encounter you will have to use a different weapon; you can’t fight every battle the same way. Pray and ask God which key will unlock your blessings. He will show you which one to use.
We are now the humble parents of 2 beautiful children, life is not the same since they arrived. We won’t change it for anything. We had to walk the faith-walk for our children.
We had to see our children with the eyes of faith before they were conceived. We took steps in the natural as if our children were already here in anticipation of their arrival.
God is a God of order, put your home in order now. Put your marriage and finances in order before the arrival of the children. Have one vision for your family and walk in unity as a couple. This will not be the last battle you are going to fight together; get it right now.
Remember it is not about the destination but much more about the lessons you will learn on the way to your destination. What is God teaching you in this season? The earlier you learn it the quicker you will be at your destination.
Watch the words of your mouth. You can do everything right but destroy it all with the words that you are confessing over yourself. Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof (Proverbs 18:21). Speak your future and not your past or problems, if you have nothing better to say then say nothing. Don’t be quick to reply everyone that offend you or were insensitive toward you.
Remember you might be over-sensitive yourself while going thru this journey. So be considerate towards others especially if they speak out of ignorant during this period.
All that you are going through and experiencing right now will help you to be a more humble and better mother. Your appreciation for life and the things of God will never be the same. You will be more considerate towards other women that will walk in your shoes.
I live everyday grateful for what the Lord has done for us. I certainly don’t deserve His goodness, mercy and favor. He is merciful and I am forever grateful to Him for the rest of my life.
I know that if He can do it for us, He can absolutely without a doubt in my mind do it for you. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful (Hebrews 10:23)
My Prayer for You
God will be the glory and lifter of your head. You will be called by a new name, Mom. You will no longer be forsaken, for the Lord has called you like a woman forsaken and grieve in spirit. Like a youthful wife when you were refused.
Do not fear, you will not be ashamed or disgraced, for you will not be put to shame. For you will forget the shame of your youth.
God will prepare a table before you in the presence of your enemies; He will anoint your head with oil. The same people who rejoice over your predicament will come and see what the Lord has done.
Be encouraged, what is impossible with man, IS POSSIBLE WITH GOD.
Everyone is pregnant except me! That was my outburst to Adey on returning from the Mall in 2006. With tears rolling down my face, I don’t know how much of this I can honestly take on.
You might have mistaken the mall for some type of “Stroller Olympics” or a “Stroller Convention”.
I have never seen so many pregnant women, in one place, or so many moms pushing their strollers while pregnant too.
I don’t remember why I went to the mall, but I returned empty handed because I just couldn’t handle all the pregnancies. Yes, I may be exaggerating a little but all I saw were pregnant women at every turn.
We had just been married less than a year, and I desired to have children on our wedding night, if it was possible. My world view was shaped by my own desire to get pregnant ASAP! All I saw were pregnant women everywhere all the time.
I bet you are wondering, why was I so desperate to get pregnant so soon?
In order to understand the present or future, we must sometimes take a step back into the past. However much we don’t want to re-live those horrible feelings and experiences.
In Part 1, I talked about my emotional melt down and pity-party, how I felt alone and friendless. Thank God we don’t walk by feelings alone.
I might have had my moments of pity-party but I did not completely lose my mind to assume that my friends are bad.
There are different levels of relationships and once you identify them for what they really are. You will save yourself a lot of heartbreak, disappointment and unrealistic expectations.
Take an inventory of those in your life and drop the dead weight that are holding you back. Where God is taking you, you can’t take Lot with you. If God had already taken Lot out of your life, don’t invite him back or look back like Lot’s wife did.
Different types of friendships.
1. Church friends – These are friends that you attend the same church with. These relationships can develop into deep friendship but a lot of the times they are just church friends. They might not necessarily call you if you’re absent from the church for weeks. It doesn’t mean that they are bad friends, they might not want to over step their boundaries. If you invest more effort in these friendships it can certainly develop into a beautiful relationship simply because you have the love of God in common.
2. Online friends – These are your cyber friends that you met online such as Facebook, blogs etc. You only really talk to them when you are online and they don’t have your contact details other than email address. Means of communication is usually thru Messengers, Skype, etc.
Can this type of friendship developed to real friendship? Yes but not all the time. They don’t know the real you and in cyberspace, it is so easy to create a false persona. You might be true to yourself but how do you know that they are whom they profess to be? Take these relationships nice and slow and you could have a pen-pal friendship in the end but tread with caution.