Pregnancy – Helpful Tips While Waiting On God To Conceive.

These are some helpful tips to help navigate those tough times while you wait on God to conceive your precious babies.

Please feel free to add to these lists as we learn and grow together.

Whether you chose to go through IVF, Natural or Adoption route you still need God’s guidance and agreement with your husband. Children are a gift and blessing and they will bring you a lot of joy and sleepless nights, lol.

They are not the source of happiness and they do not solve problems or a hectic lifestyle, they add to it.

It is very important to work on your marriage before you bring children into it as they can compound the problems you ignore.

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A Prayer For Mothers-in-Waiting.

To All The Mothers-in-Waiting.
And the Lord remembered Hannah and it came to pass that she conceived and gave birth to Samuel. Then God remembered Rachel, she also gave birth to Joseph and Benjamin. God has not forgotten you and it shall come to pass for you too. He will give you beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. God has not forgotten you, He knows your name and address, He sees your heart and He will turn your pain and trial into testimonies. As many children as you desire the Lord will make you a joyful mother. 

Every tear shall turn to joy and shouts of praise will fill your mouth forevermore. Amen! The Lord will wipe away all your tears, you will no longer suffer sadness, cry, shame, delay, miscarriage or stillbirth. Your affliction will never arise again. You are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. The Lord will fulfill the number of your days, you shall be fruitful and multiply and none shall have miscarriage or barren in your family ever again. 

According to the word of God, you will be fruitful, multiply, fill and subdue the earth. Sarah bear fruit in her old age, no matter your age you shall bear fruit also. 

None of God’s promises concerning you, your children and family will fail. God will not fail you. The Lord will keep your home, health, and marriage in peaceful condition. Your testimony will bring healing and hope to many. 

Rejoice! What the enemy meant for evil, to steal, kill and destroy your faith and testimony is the very thing God will you to bless, favor and elevate you.

I declare healing and total restoration to your body, spirit, and soul of every mother reading this prayer. I command your womb to receive Holy Ghost fire, every cells and tissue in your body to supernaturally be regenerated in the mighty name of Jesus. 

On this day, the Lord has opened your womb and you will bring forth children and together your family shall server the Lord all the days of your lives. Eyes have not seen, neither has ear heard what God has done in your life and family. 

Thank You, God, for answered prayers. We exalt your name, all glory, all honor, and all adoration belong to you alone. You are the everlasting God, and we your children look to you for everything. We will not lack anything good because you are for us and not against us. All of these we have prayed in the mighty name of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. Amen!

Everyone is Pregnant except ME – Part 2.

This entry is part 2 of 2 in the seriesEveryone Is Pregnant

While believing God for our children, I often thought that I deserved this, after all I was a reformed sinner, and God knows maybe my past is finally catching up with me.

Let me tell you this; Jesus died for sinners and not for righteous Christians. He died for you and I. He paid the price so we don’t have to. Quit being hard on yourself and start loving you, there is nothing you and I can do to stop God from loving or blessing us. Even when we are faithless, He cannot deny himself, He is faithful.

On the issues of past mistakes, deal with it and let it be settled once and forever. It is under the blood, as far as the east is from the west. That is how far God never remember our sinful past. Learn to forgive yourself, it is so easy for us to forgive others but we struggle in forgiving ourselves. Don’t continue to live under condemnation, chose to live under the grace that is available to you today.

Before we conceived, there were days that all I did was cried, I couldn’t even pray. I would start with prayer and just ended up slobbering in tears. I would do all my crying in Adey’s absence and put a brave face on upon his return home.

My relationship with God grew; it started off with me just seeking his hands for what I can get. It developed into me seeking his face; it became about intimacy and a deeper walk with Him.

I will never forget the very night that everything changed for me. I had enough of it all, the sadness, the crying, and the begging. From all the pain and shame that I had felt and endured,
I cried out to God. Saying, “Give me a child, don’t give me a child; I am going to serve you all the days of my life!

 

We conceived 10 months after we got married, those 10 months were not fun. It might have been 10 yrs! I didn’t experience all the nausea and morning sickness most women do. My pregnancy was beautiful and it wasn’t anything like I had imagined. Seriously I was prepared for the worst but it never happened. Pregnancy agreed with me so well, I was ready to do it all over again as soon as the baby was out.

When our first child was 18 months we found out that we were to be parents again! This was not accidental, it was intentional. We have been ever so busy trying to conceived again. Exciting right? Yeah it was all too much for my little mind to take; God loves me, He does really love me. Oh and Adey too, lol!

While waiting to conceive our second child I panicked again, why wasn’t I getting pregnant again and I became concerned plus worried. Can you believe my effrontery? That is how we human beings are. We are no different from the children of Israel after seeing signs, wonders and miracles that God did for them. Still they doubted and questioned God.

Thank God for a praying husband who reminded me again that God promised us children not a child based on the scripture we stood on (Psalm 127:3) Thank God for a wise sister who reminded me that with each battle you encounter you will have to use a different weapon; you can’t fight every battle the same way. Pray and ask God which key will unlock your blessings. He will show you which one to use.

We are now the humble parents of 2 beautiful children, life is not the same since they arrived. We won’t change it for anything. We had to walk the faith-walk for our children.

We had to see  our children with the eyes of faith before they were conceived. We took steps in the natural as if our children were already here in anticipation of their arrival.

God is a God of order, put your home in order now. Put your marriage and finances in order before the arrival  of the children. Have one vision for your family and walk in unity as a couple. This will not be the last battle you are going to fight together; get it right now.

Remember it is not about the destination but much more about the lessons you will learn on the way to your destination. What is God teaching you in this season? The earlier you learn it the quicker you will be at your destination.

Watch the words of your mouth. You can do everything right but destroy it all with the words that you are confessing over yourself. Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof (Proverbs 18:21). Speak your future and not your past or problems, if you have nothing better to say then say nothing. Don’t be quick to reply everyone that offend you or were insensitive toward you.

Remember you might be over-sensitive yourself while going thru this journey. So be considerate towards others especially if they speak out of ignorant during this period.

All that you are going through and experiencing right now will help you to be a more humble and better mother. Your appreciation for life and the things of God will never be the same. You will be more considerate towards other women that will walk in your shoes.

I live everyday grateful for what the Lord has done for us. I certainly don’t deserve His goodness, mercy and favor. He is merciful and I am forever grateful to Him for the rest of my life.

I know that if He can do it for us, He can absolutely without a doubt in my mind do it for you. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful (Hebrews 10:23)

My Prayer for You

God will be the glory and lifter of your head. You will be called by a new name, Mom. You will no longer be forsaken, for the Lord has called you like a woman forsaken and grieve in spirit. Like a youthful wife when you were refused.

Do not fear, you will not be ashamed or disgraced, for you will not be put to shame. For you will forget the shame of your youth.

God will prepare a table before you in the presence of your enemies; He will anoint your head with oil. The same people who rejoice over your predicament will come and see what the Lord has done.

Be encouraged, what is impossible with man, IS POSSIBLE WITH GOD.

Helpful tips to help you cope during these challenging time – Helpful Tips – while you wait on God

 

Everyone Is Pregnant Except ME – Part 1.

This entry is part 1 of 2 in the seriesEveryone Is Pregnant

Everyone is pregnant except me! That was my outburst to Adey on returning from the Mall in 2006. With tears rolling down my face, I don’t know how much of this I can honestly take on.

You might have mistaken the mall for some type of “Stroller Olympics” or a “Stroller Convention”.

I have never seen so many pregnant women, in one place, or so many moms pushing their strollers while pregnant too.

I don’t remember why I went to the mall, but I returned empty handed because I just couldn’t handle all the pregnancies. Yes, I may be exaggerating a little but all I saw were pregnant women at every turn.

We had just been married less than a year, and I desired to have children on our wedding night, if it was possible.  My world view was shaped by my own desire to get pregnant ASAP! All I saw were pregnant women everywhere all the time.

I bet you are wondering, why was I so desperate to get pregnant so soon?

In order to understand the present or future, we must sometimes take a step back into the past. However much we don’t want to re-live those horrible feelings and experiences.

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Friends or Frenemies – Part 2

This entry is part 2 of 2 in the seriesFriends Or Frenemies

In Part 1, I talked about my emotional melt down and pity-party, how I felt alone and friendless. Thank God we don’t walk by feelings alone.

I might have had my moments of pity-party but I did not completely lose my mind to assume that my friends are bad.

There are different levels of relationships and once you identify them for what they really are. You will save yourself a lot of heartbreak, disappointment and unrealistic expectations.

Take an inventory of those in your life and drop the dead weight that are holding you back. Where God is taking you, you can’t take Lot with you. If God had already taken Lot out of your life, don’t invite him back or look back like Lot’s wife did.

Different types of friendships.

1. Church friends – These are friends that you attend the same church with. These relationships can develop into deep friendship but a lot of the times they are just church friends. They might not necessarily call you if you’re absent from the church for weeks. It doesn’t mean that they are bad friends, they might not want to over step their boundaries. If you invest more effort in these friendships it can certainly develop into a beautiful relationship simply because you have the love of God in common.

2. Online friends – These are your cyber friends that you met online such as Facebook, blogs etc.  You only really talk to them when you are online and they don’t have your contact details other than email address. Means of communication is usually thru Messengers, Skype, etc.

Can this type of friendship developed to real friendship? Yes but not all the time. They don’t know the real you and in cyberspace, it is so easy to create a false persona. You might be true to yourself but how do you know that they are whom they profess to be? Take these relationships nice and slow and you could have a pen-pal friendship in the end but tread with caution.

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Friends Or Frenemies – Part 1

This entry is part 1 of 2 in the seriesFriends Or Frenemies

Today (21 November), I had an emotional melt down plus a pity party. I have had better days than today and I am glad it is over. It is one thing to have an emotional melt down but plus a pity party? That is a sad combination.

So what happened? My husband who some of you know is also my best friend has been working abroad for the last 12 days. I miss him and I am tired along with being pregnant. I considered myself to be a strong person so I am just going to blame everything on my hormones (denial).

Yes, I am pregnant and at home with 2 toddlers under the age of 4yrs old. I love being a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) and I usually cope well when hubby is away. Still, play along with me since I am blaming everything on my hormones (denial again)

I woke up really tired and tried getting ready for church, the children were not co-operating or so it seems. I decided maybe it was best we stayed home instead.

Out of nowhere and without notice, I just felt really sad and alone. I started weeping and I was just down on myself for no reason.

The truth is in the last12 days since hubby left, I have had less human contacts and very few contact with the outside world. My phone hardly rings and when I had tried to reach some friends and family I was greeted with their voicemail and my calls were not returned.

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Singles Talk: Who Should Pay?

While Adey and I were courting, we saw each other on and off about 5 times before I eventually move to America to plan our wedding. I was living in London while we were dating and I paid for all my travelling expenses. It never occurred to me to ask him and he didn’t offer to pay for my flight either.

Y’all know I was a desperado right? Oh yeah! I knew what I wanted and I was going for it and nothing was going to get in my way. Not even who pays for what.

I was single and fabulous (still fabulous) and I had my own money. It never occurred to me to ask at all.

In all honesty I figured that once I am in, I will be greatly reimbursed for all my costs, lol. For real too, I wanted babies and a happy marriage as my reimbursement. (Which he’s awesomely doing) Not cash and gift that I would spend in no time (that he’s also doing) and didn’t have any lasting value.

So this was what happened to my girl friend, she met Mr. Right (me think) but he didn’t offer to pay for her flight or any of her travelling expenses and she was not happy about it. She also felt that he should be calling more; she didn’t try too hard herself because she believed that was his job.

To cut a long boring story short, she dropped him. Who was at fault? What really are the rules of long distance dating?

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The Season To Remember Others…….

Its Thanksgiving and I find myself struggling to write something that has that festive feeling appropriate for this season.

At first it just didn’t make sense, and then it occurred to me why? I bet you are curious too.

Not so long ago I actually detested any festive holidays. It was yet another reason to remember my lonely state of mind and how I didn’t have this and that to fill my life with. It was a time to watch others living the life I so longed for.

A few years back I joined my family for yet another Christmas dinner, it was nice of them to include me. The truth was I felt out-of-place, sometimes I can’t help thinking maybe they feel sorry for me and can’t bear to see me spend another festive holiday alone with my Chinese fried rice and wonton soup.

The evening was going great, lovely food and nice company. Just then my nephew asked me a question. “Aunty why don’t we see uncle again”????

Children are just plain honest, aren’t they? They are pure and innocent; they often say things that adults won’t dare! Uncle was my ex. If silence could kill, I wanted to be dead on the spot. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.

Nobody said a word; it seems like forever before I could muster something sensible out of my big mouth. My lips were dry, the food no longer had any flavor and for a split second innocent nephew wasn’t so cute. 

I must have said something but I can’t remember what, I stayed and spend a few more hours with them and the moment I got into my car, I busted into tears.

I cried from the depth of my soul. I cried because what my nephew said struck a chord with me.

We bring people into our lives and we never know the impact it will have on others. My nephew didn’t understand that we were no longer together. One day, uncle was there and now he’s gone. Then I realized I am becoming the funny Aunty in the family. Every family has either a crazy uncle or a funny aunty.

I was becoming the “funny aunty” and these innocents ones are around to see it? Oh Lord I reject it.  The rest of Christmas was just miserable, I hated the Christmas carol, and I hated the decorations, especially Rudolf the red nose reindeer. Why? I don’t know, I just did!

So as we celebrate Thanksgiving and we are very merry, spare a thought and a prayer for others that are less fortunate. Others that can’t care less for the spirit of the season. The fatherless, motherless, widowed, Orphans, the scorned wife, mom in waiting, the prodigal child, misunderstood husband, the lonely and abandoned. The single, divorced, separated, and the single parents. Those that are homeless, those that are hopeless, those struggling with addiction. That mother, who just miscarried a pregnancy, buried a child, the prodigal sons and daughters wrestling with the decision to return home or not.

The mother who is nursing a painful secret of abortion or adoption. The separated father who remembers his children are out there but can’t even begin to think of how to go about reconciliation after all these decades.

Those in the military, armed services, serving our nation and not spending this time with their family.  Missionaries all over the world serving God, fulfilling their divine calling but still missing their family.

I know and feel your pain; I empathize with you. I wish I can tell you it will get better tonight but I would be lying. You don’t need that from me, it will get better with time though.

As dark and painful things might seem, there is hope in Christ. You don’t have to be religious or even be a Christian to believe in that hope. Jesus came and died for everyone and especially you. He can fill that void and pain right now, just call on to Him. That simple? Yes, go on and try it.

Prayer
I pray that your tears will soon become tears of joy and not sadness. Your mourning will become dancing, no more sad songs, and may your lips be filled with praises.

May you find forgiveness, peace, love, and joy. Jesus is the reason for the season. May you enjoy his peace and blessings this holiday season.

Thinking of you, you are in my prayers.

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Great Fathers Are A Blessing.

My father died in 1986 and my world as I knew it changed forever. Growing up and having my father around was great. I took it for granted that he would always be around. I was only 13yrs old when he died and I never wanted anyone else to take his place. There was a void in my life with his passing away that I never knew would happen.

Since his passing on, I have had very few male role models in my life; I have not looked for any. I didn’t think I needed one either.

I have otherwise been blessed with a few male role models in my life, they might not regard themselves as father figure but they have played a role in my life that I will forever be grateful to them all the days of my life

My brother Julius also known as Diran stepped up to the plate when Daddy died. He was a young man himself needing his father but he just really rallies us together and was there for us all. I remember when I arrived in London in 1989, how he took good care of me. He helped me to get my first job working at McDonald. He failed to tell me why we were going there though.

I was so excited thinking he’s going to buy me my favorite McChicken sandwich with vanilla milk shake. Until we got there and his friend the manager came out and they both started talking about me like I wasn’t there. My mind was still fixated on the food to come and I wasn’t paying much attention to their conversation, until he said I would be back to start work the following day. Suffice to say he didn’t buy me any McChicken sandwich before leaving too.

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The 15 Lessons I’ve Learned In 5 years Of Marriage

I’ve been reflecting on the 15 marriage lessons I have learned in our 5 years of marriage. Compare to some, my husband and I are newbies in the marital dance. We try not to keep these lessons to ourselves, others may benefit from our experience just as we have benefitted from others experiences. So, let us share it with one another.

There are more lessons but trying to keep my blog post short!

These are just a few from a long list of important lessons I have learnt along the way.

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Adey, My Joy And Crown

A Letter To My Husband

It is exactly 5 years ago that you took me to be your bride. These past 5 years have been a blessing with you and our children. There is not one day have I ever regretted marrying you.

Adey means “ The Crown”, you have been my joy and crown. (Phil4:1)

You have been to me, what Abraham was to Sarah, my lord (Gen18:12). You are gentle, kind, considerate, loving and have no bad words to say about anybody.

You are still the man that I fell in love with 5 years ago, and baby you get better and more handsome by the day. You are like a bottle of wine, the older you are the sweeter you get.

A week before we were schedule to get married. We had some major setback. Somebody gave a very damaging report about me of which you and the officiating minister for our wedding were informed of. The information was so damaging, honestly I won’t have gone ahead and marry me too.

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Get Desperate With God And Get MARRIED.

One of the questions I get asked from people after hearing my testimony about marriage is, ”What did you do to finally marry the right person?”

My answer is always the same. I got desperate and serious with God.

We all tend to think what we’ve been through is not a big deal, but it is. Especially if you come out smelling of the goodness of God, it is a super-duper BIG DEAL.

I will never take God’s blessings for granted, ever!

So I was at a stage in my life that I had everything else going for me except for one thing. Marriage. I was in my mid-30’s and that was the only thing missing from my life. I didn’t want another career or another weight loss idea. I didn’t need a manicure and pedicure, or a designer bag. I didn’t want another expensive holiday. Nothing could fill that yearning I had to be married and have children.

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No More Cleavage In The House Of God

Well, I know some people will be offended by this post. That is all right. The truth sometimes hurts. Ouch!

My intention is not to offend but to bring awareness and correction to something that is an ongoing issue in our churches today.

I have lived on 3 continents; Africa, Europe and North America. Its is the same issue all over. This is not just an America issue.

If we call ourselves Christians, shouldn’t we act like one? Christian means to be Christ-like. Are you truly portraying Christ in the way you dress?

The line that once distinguished Christians from non Christians has become severely blurred. 

It is easier to judge those in the world for their bad behaviors. They don’t know any better. They are not saved and their minds are not renewed. What then shall we say of our fellow sisters in the Lord showing off their blessed assurance for all to see? Are they still in the world, too? 1 Timothy 2:9 says, “ I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety.” Continue reading

Here Is To You, Sister Dearest.

My sister’s name is Shade. She is married to my wonderful brother-in-law, Andrew, and together they have 3 lovely Children.

She is a couple of years older than me; yet she continues to claim that she is only about 30 year old. Yeah right! That would make me, what? I will spare her and not reveal her true age. She looks great for her age and a mom of three, too.

Growing up together we were never close. She and I were like night and day. She was the straight A student and I was not. She was the perfect daughter who would always abide by our parents’ rules and regulations. I did not.

Sister Dearest

She never rebelled. I did. I almost never heard her curse while we were growing up. I did curse her out a lot and she gave me some of the best beatings of my life!!! Ouch! She didn’t talk much back then. She used one-liners, like “Stop it or I will whoop you.” Of course I didn’t listen. So she bashed me over the head. I just thought she was jealous and miserable. True, there was a lot to be jealous of. I was a spoiled little brat, I had a big mouth on me, I was rude and disrespectful, and I was doing badly at school. Yeah, I can see why she was so envious. NOT.

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Does Mama Really Knows Best?

As I was bathing my little Bishop, that is my son’s nick name, David. David is only 16 months and super cute, am not just saying that because I’m his mom! You betcha he’s a handsome little fella with the biggest smile. 

My mind begins to wander while I stared into his smiling face, questions rushing thru my mind. One of the questions was Does Mama Really Knows Best? 

It got me thinking about my mother, then about myself now a mother of 2 children. Do I really know what is best for them?

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20 Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship

Women are sometimes confused with what is classified as an abusive behavior. It is not until he physically hits you, then you realize that you are being abused. There are obvious signs along the way; you chose to ignore it, even though your friends and family can see it.

Call it whatever name you want to emotional abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, and domestic abuse. Abuse is abuse.

Often, it is kept as a secret because women usually blame themselves and they feel ashamed that they have permitted it.

Look, it happens to people, period! You name it; even to the most educated and intelligent person. Yes, you can have PhD, MBA… and still make bad choice in a partner.  It is no reflection on you being the weaker vessel. Usually the abusive person has issues, not you. Ok so you are the enabler in the name of “love”. Oh please! Not the “I love him all over again”.

Just because you are in a relationship does not mean that you should give up on your life. Just because you want, love in your life does not mean that you should permit someone to abuse you

That is what we do when we allow other people to hurt us and we stay with them. In the US once you are 18 years and above, the law considers you are capable of making certain decisions for yourself. So GROW up and take charge of your life!

Signs to look for.

1. Friends and families can’t stand him

2. He tells you that your friends are no good and he makes it almost impossible for you to have any friends. – He tells you what to wear.

3. He robbed you of your self-esteem and dignity by constantly telling you that you are; fat and ugly, no one else will have you. You should be happy and grateful you have him, you are nothing.

4. He destroy your personal pictures, wedding pictures and destroys heirlooms.

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Submission

While visiting Dallas this week, we worshipped at Potter’s House in Dallas with Bishop TD Jakes, it was awesome, and we had a great time. I have always wanted to visit Potter’s House and experience it live and I was not disappointed at all. The Bishop was there while the praise and worship was phenomenal.

Bishop taught on Submission, whenever I have heard sermons on submission it  is usually from a marriage perspective. I thought that was the angle he was going to teach from, oh boy! Was I wrong?

“For women at times, we don’t want to hear another sermon on submission. I don’t have issues with that topic at all; I learnt years ago that you cannot submit to a man until you submit to God first”

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Before “I Do” – Part 3 In-Laws

This entry is part 3 of 4 in the seriesBefore "I Do"

In-laws to most but Outlaws to a few! In-laws come with the marriage, whether you like them or not. It’s like living in Texas, you do not have a choice about the sales tax,  you just pay it.

When you marry, you do not only marry that person you get the entire family. You just cannot ignore that these people exist; you are going to have to form a relationship with them. If only because it makes your partner happy knowing how important they are to him.

Deal with it, your partner did not fall from the sky, someone gave birth to him, loved him, nurtured him and he will not be the person that he is today without those people in his life. Just like you have parents who loved and cared for you, same goes for him too.

This is a very important topic for everyone to seriously discuss, especially for these two groups. 

A – Divorcee.

B – Single parent.

These two groups of people I would suggest to really discuss these issues fully, because they may have had a brush with the outlaws’ in-laws in their previous relationship, especially If their previous experiences were negative. They want to be very careful not to bring that bad experience over to a new relationship.

I am enjoying and loving my in-laws, they are not in-laws anymore they are my family. You may not know this, but I’ve been divorced, and I must say, I had a really nasty not so good experience in my formal life, but thank God that’s all in the past. Honestly, I never thought it was possible to have good in-laws but am here to tell you it is possible, even after a divorce. God is truly a God of restoration and He makes all things new and wonderful.

For the single mom coming into a new family, exercise much patience and don’t be on the defensive. Give your new family time to bond with you and your child/ren. Your spouse’ support is what is critical and you have that already or you won’t be at this stage. As much as you may want everyone to get along, your primary focus is your initial family. Ensure that the bond with your spouse and child/ren are good because ultimately you all have to live together.

We’ve all heard the Mother in-law jokes, it’s not just a joke to some, it’s some people’s reality. We cannot discount people’s feelings, it has to be addressed.

Everybody Loves Raymond is an American sitcom. The mother-in-law, Marie Janella Barone, is the real star of the show, played by the lovely Doris Roberts. My husband and I love watching it, even the reruns never get old. As funny as it is, I can’t help feeling sorry for Debra (Patricia Heaton) Ray’s wife. The mother-in-law is lovable but also very manipulating. I usually tell my husband after watching an episode that there is no way I can live next door to Doris, I’d rather leave an entire State for her.

Why discuss in-laws before marriage?

In-laws can either help or break your marriage. It is best to be on their good side. Yes, you can’t please some people no matter what you do, but you can choose to walk in love and forgiveness with them regardless of the way they treat you. There is a saying that goes “keeps your friends close and your enemy closer” is true, treat your in-laws with kid gloves and be respectful.

God is the author of marriage and He should be the foundation. When you make God the foundation of your marriage nobody can destroy it, they may try but they will not succeed. That is why it is very important to get the foundation right, don’t try to build on a shaky foundation. We are to count the cost before building (Luke 14:28)

Know who you are marrying.

What do I mean by this? It is very critical that you understand the relationship your husband-to-be has with his family. Their closeness might have been an attractive quality to you while dating but being married is a different matter. Depending on who you are marrying there comes certain responsibilities and duties and you need to be aware of that.

Is he the first or only child?

Traditionally, the first child of the family has a role to play, whether they agreed to it or not. They are born with the role of a leader, the go-to-person in the time of problems. In the absence of the parent, they become the head of the family.

The first or only child – The Parents have heavily invested in the first and only child, a lot of sweat equity has gone into the child. Especially if it’s a male child, they are often burdened by exceedingly high parental expectations. Their failures and successes become their parents’ too.

The parents (especially the mother) feels strongly connected to them and won’t let anybody knock them out of his life. You ain’t going to get mama out-of-the-way just like that, she has been No.1 and intends to remain the reigning queen whether you like it or not.  You have to work with your husband in wisdom for the reversal of roles over time.

Ok as a mom myself, I get it! Although I don’t plan to be the MILH (Mother-In-Law from Hell). We tried for a while before conceiving our first child. Oh boy! I have never prayed as much as I did when we were trying to get pregnant. She was delivered by C-Section and nothing has been the same ever since we brought her home. She is perfect and we adore her. I would hate for her to get married to some hotshot who thinks we are not important anymore. Just the thought of that makes me break out in tongues (speaking in tongues).

So I know how tough it is for moms especially – I have been on both sides and I know that will make me embrace my future sons and daughters in-law. Furthermore, having good In-laws have taught me a better way and I see the benefits of a wonderful family.

I am older and just a little bit wiser, that not-so good experience I had in the past taught me a lot. I don’t recommend that you need to experience divorce to learn these lessons. I honestly believe that sometimes as a new bride, you can be clueless about how to deal with the in-laws and you can mess a good thing up with a lack of wisdom. The incoming daughter should also give the new family a chance, some relationships will not blossom overnight. Marriage is not a race but a marathon, don’t rush in expecting to be best friends, give it some time. It will take some time for roles to change, be patient and you will enjoy your new family in time to come.

Respect your In-Laws

This is sometimes harder to do when there is fracas already. Respecting them will help you in the long-run. You love their son, therefore respect them. Respect their home when you visit them, mind your language when you are around them. Respect their boundaries even if you don’t understand it, understand that there is a generation gap and it seems so 1920’s. Respect that they raised your husband-to-be, so they have done something right. Dress appropriately when you visit them, keep your negative feedback to yourself, they are not your parents who you might feel you are free to talk to however you like to.

Conflicts

Oh boy! Conflicts with the in-laws are not a good step forward but it can be resolved eventually. The best thing to do from now is to maintain a dignified silence, you have probably said too much already. One of the worst things you can do is to vent your feelings and tell your In-laws how you really feel about them. The Bible says a wise man ponders his thoughts. Silence is truly golden sometimes.

Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue; Proverbs 17:28

Save your energy and please don’t try and prove a point to your in-laws, invest your time in working things out with your husband to make peace.

If you find yourself having to defend yourself against them: then maybe your spouse has dropped the ball. It’s not your job to fight and defend yourself, that is for him to do and vice visa. He knows his family better, he knows the best way to approach them than you and they will always forgive him.

Sometimes the young and inexperienced wife does not help by the way she handles matters. Coming into marriage with an unrealistic expectation, thinking that after all he loves her and he should straighten his mom and family up. That just won’t cut it, remember he knows them the longest and is fiercely loyal to them. He sees them through the eyes of love, they know his weaknesses and strengths and they have been there a long time before you showed up “looking fine”. It will take time for him to see them any other way, and nagging him will not get him there faster if at all.

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the
foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1

Prayer – There is power in prayer, instead of venting all your feelings to the In-Laws, vent your feelings to God. Learn to fight your battles on your knees in prayer. Let God fight your battles and you keep your peace and be still.

 

James 5:16: The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. Take your issues to God and see how He will turn them around. Remember to still continue to keep a dignified silence, walk in love and forgiveness.

We must continue to keep in front of us the ultimate goal which is two becoming one. This process will take time and we must never forget that we are on the same side.

It is better to discuss these issues and be honest about your families before you say ‘I Do’

Christmas Holiday – Is it a tradition to spend festive time with the in-laws?

Find out what he has already told his family about you.

Find out what their personalities are like, that way you identify them and that will save you from getting mad over nothing.

When visiting in-laws, where do you stay? Hotel or in-law’s home?

(This is Part 3 of 5 series of Before “I Do”)

Before “I Do” – Part 2 Sex

This entry is part 2 of 4 in the seriesBefore "I Do"

There is no easy way to broach this subject, so we might as well just dive into it.

It is just 3 letters, S-E-X, yet very powerful.

When I first mentioned to my friend Sade that I will be writing about the types of questions you should ask before you say “I Do” and mentioned “sex”, she was somewhat surprised that these questions will be brought up before marriage – and I know exactly where she’s coming from.

As a born again and spirit filled Christian that is not engaging or participating in anything of a sexual nature before wedlock, how can you talk about S-E-X?

Well, there are ways to talk about sex without it being sexual. This is not a conversation to have in your “boudoir” with Marvin Gaye music playing in the background. You must be conscious of every appearance of evil.

God created sex and it is a good thing. God is not in the habit of creating bad stuff. I have heard people say that the Church has an obligation to talk more about these issues, and this is true, however, we have become a nation of people who love passing on their personal responsibilities onto others. What next are we going to ask the Church to do, give us sex lessons? Oh please, don’t get me started!

I beg to differ, it is a sensitive subject and I surely do not want to have these discussions in the same room as my friend’s parent, huh! Anyway, back to the discussion at hand.

Why discuss sex?

The Bible says: “therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Genesis 2:24

The goal is to become ONE. For that to happen there has to be a lot of letting go of how it was done in the past. We have to start afresh and learn together as one.

The word “cleave” means to cut off, to cling to, to hold on to, to separate from the old and embrace the new. To put behind you everything you knew before, every habit, every way of doing it with others. To start afresh with your new partner, learn together and be one.

Therefore, you need to discuss sex and here are a number of good reasons why:

Your future partner (FP) may be sexually more advanced than you. You need to find out what his/her expectations are.

What if your FP has what you may consider as ‘sick fantasies’? You will need to flesh them out before you say “I Do”.

You need to know about their sexual appetite – i.e. how frequently you are expected to do the “marital dance”.

What kind of dance do they have in mind, is it the Tango, Waltz, Quickstep or the Paso Doble? This is the time to lay it all down, what you will and will not engage in.

Sex should be between a man and a woman, but you may be surprised to find out that your Christian FP also thinks it’s okay to bring visual aids; such as porn or making your own “home movies”  into your marital bedroom. You need to know right now before you say “I Do”. We are all at different levels in our walk of faith; do not ever assume that because they are believers they do not have an obscure way of thinking.

Children love roleplaying, but what if your ‘mature’ FP still wants to role-play? Are you game for playing nurse or patient or may be daffy duck? Huh!

Will they be willing to have a blood test done before you say ”I Do”?

Are they on the sex offenders register for something they had done in the past before coming to the Lord? This is a must for the single moms.

I watched a disturbing documentary about this issue when a pedophile bounded with a single mom; she ended marrying the man because of his relationship with her child only discovering later the damage he had done.

It is also important to find out if they’d ever engaged in same sex relationships or fantasized about it.

Be clear about what your boundaries are and make it plain.

How comfortable is your FP  about talking about sex? What else are they not comfortable discussing with you? After all, you guys are planning to spend the rest of your lives together.

What if they don’t want to engage in sex at all? Shocking! Right? You’ll never know until you ask before you say ”I Do”.

If you think these questions are unnecessary or difficult to discuss before you say “I Do”, then maybe you are not ready to say “I Do” just yet.

(This is Part 2 of 5 series of Before “I Do”)

Before “I DO” – Part 1 Money

This entry is part 1 of 4 in the seriesBefore "I Do"

There are many gray areas to be discussed before you say “I DO”. It is a well-known fact that some of the reasons for marital problems are;

1, Money issues,

2, Sex,

3, In-Laws (outlaws!),

4, Religion,

5, Children.

Some people are not comfortable talking about money or sex. Hence, why the right questions are not asked before they say I do.

No wonder after you’re married, you discover that you have been lied to. Could it be that you did not ask the right questions?

Men do not talk much as we all know; men are so very different from women (thank God!). A man may not offer to tell you some personal information that a woman would consider relevant. Therefore, what is relevant to a woman is not necessarily so to a man.

Asking the right questions will eliminate some of the confusion that will surely arise later after the wedlock.

In this part, let us talk about Money, Money, and Money!

In a marriage, there is no such thing as my money and your money. It is our money, it cannot be separated.

Salary – How much do you earn? It sounds so simple, yet you won’t believe that some women do not know how much their spouse earns?  The main salary before overtime, do not estimate for income that is not guaranteed.

Savings – How crucial is savings to you? As one who loves to save, you really need to find out if you are marrying a spender or a saver. Just in case, he’s a spender, that is not a ground not to marry him. Know whom you are marrying, that is the whole point.

FICO score: Find out what the FICO score is now. If you do not ask now, you will pay the price later. Why not at least know what price you are willing to pay.  If you do not know, what a FICO score is (USA), maybe you are not ready to get married just yet.

Credit Cards – How much debt do they have on their credit cards? You may be surprised to find out that all that eating out he’s been paying for with his credit card, you will help him pay it back with interest afterward.

How many credit cards does he have? How many is too much?

Car Note – How much car note is outstanding and at what rate of interest. How long does he intend to pay it off for?

Does he own his car or is he leasing? If leasing, why? This may not apply if he owns his business.

How many family members is he bankrolling? Ok, let me make this clearer. This may not apply to everyone, but if you are marrying an African man/woman, you had better find out quick! Usually, we are our parents’ social security, pension, and healthcare. We also have uncle, aunties, nieces, and nephews on our payroll. I really cannot get into that right now it is a whole enchilada!

How much has he already committed to helping families and friends before you arrived on the scene? It is very vital to find out; these are commitments he made in the past.

You need to discuss and find out if he is open to renegotiating or forgoing some of those commitments. You both must take into account, that a single life style and marriage are very different especially in costs terms.

Lending Money – an essential topic to hash or thrash out now before you say I do. Your man/woman could be a very generous person, who thinks it’s ok to borrow everyone money. Some will even co-sign without discussing with their spouse. Lending money and co-signing for friends and families are very sensitive topics, tread very carefully.

Buying or Renting – Your first home is very important, where are you going to live? Do you rent or buy? Do we move into your current home or a rented accommodation?

Joint or separate accounts or?

Whose money is it anyway?

Wedding cost – Who is paying for what? How big, how small. I know it is customary for the groom and bride’s parents to take on different parts of the bill. What if none of your parents are alive or could afford it? Dish traditions and plan a wedding you can both afford. Do not assume your partner wants a big wedding and that is your motivation for one. You might end up footing a wedding neither of you wanted.

divorced and Single Parent Issues – How much is the Alimony, how much is the child maintenance? Does he owe any back payment and how will this affect your income? What kind of agreement do they have in place right now? Child visitation rights etc.

Identify the person that is best with money and let them be in charge of paying bills. The other partner must show interest and know how much the monthly expenses are. It is not just one person’s job. If the other partner does not get involved, you open yourself for abuse to occur.

Financial Goals. What are your financial goals? What big project do you have in mind for the future? Now that two is becoming one, there has to be some compromise. Except you are a millionaire, you cannot have it all.

Financial secrets – After you have discussed all the questions. Ask them if they want to own up to any financial secrets or shame. Such as a Foreclosure or Bankruptcy.  Give them the opportunity to talk freely.

These are just guidelines to start the discussion, there are many more questions you can think off.

If you want to know more, sign up for a 1-2-1 coaching.

(This is Part 1 of 5 series of Before “I Do”)