One of the questions I get asked from people after hearing my testimony about marriage is, ”What did you do to finally marry the right person?”
My answer is always the same. I got desperate and serious with God.
We all tend to think what we’ve been through is not a big deal, but it is. Especially if you come out smelling of the goodness of God, it is a super-duper BIG DEAL.
I will never take God’s blessings for granted, ever!
So I was at a stage in my life that I had everything else going for me except for one thing. Marriage. I was in my mid-30’s and that was the only thing missing from my life. I didn’t want another career or another weight loss idea. I didn’t need a manicure and pedicure, or a designer bag. I didn’t want another expensive holiday. Nothing could fill that yearning I had to be married and have children.
When you are ready, you know it. You no longer feel like hanging with your single friends. Yet at the same time, you feel out-of-place when you’re with your married friends.
You start wondering, “What else is there to do that I haven’t done before?” You don’t want to go clubbing. You’re tired of being the only friend that’s being set up with another single brother.
You know that he is out there but don’t have a clue how to go about finding him. Well, that was me six years ago. If this sounds like you KEEP READING.
1. Be Honest With Yourself
First things first. Honesty. I had to admit to myself that it was no longer cool for ME to be single. I was ready for the next stage of my life to begin. My friends didn’t want to hear my talk of settling down since it made me appear desperate. This also reminded them of the things they didn’t want to focus on in their own lives. My priorities were different from theirs, which is ok. The truth you know will set you free….
2. Run to God
I took my desperate self to seek God. That was the place where my answer was found. Desperate situations always call for desperate measures. Whenever you want something that you have never had before, you must be prepared to do something you have never done before. Even if other people think you are desperate.
I stopped talking to my girlfriends and started having a daily talk with God. I poured out my heart’s desires to Him. All the things I could not share with my friends I shared with Him. There was a lot of crying, too. Whenever you seek God genuinely He will always reveal things to you about yourself that need to die first. God gradually worked on my heart, my pride, my arrogance, my big mouth, and my past hurt and pain that I was dragging with me everywhere. He told me that where I was going, I could not bring that baggage with me and I had to leave it behind. I had to stop faking it too. Oh, how I faked happiness, confidence and the life of the party all day long. It was a lot of hard work faking it, I can tell you that!
I had to take off the entire false persona I used to protect myself from being hurt by people and allowed myself to be vulnerable all over again.
Not once did God tell me to stop talking to Him about my husband and children, or stop being desperate.
3. Replace Girlfriends With Experienced Mammas.
This was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Girls just talk, talk and talk some more about things they sometimes don’t have any idea of. I was bored to death talking about things that didn’t get me anywhere. I realized that I needed to get with women that had been through what I was going through and could share powerful insights and wisdom with me.
Girlfriends are good but you are not all at the same stage of life. As much as your girlfriends mean well, sometimes they are just as clueless as you. They also tend to give you advice from their perspective. Well, that won’t work if you are ready to marry and they don’t think it’s a big deal!
These women saved me by telling me the truth. My girlfriends couldn’t tell me the real truth about myself because they were not able to recognize those faults in me nor in themselves.
These women shared with me the truth about men; they taught me why men act the way they do, why they have loads of ego, what men want from women, what is important to men, how to wear many hats when dealing with a man, how to talk to the king in him and get a king’s response…
Ladies, your man is not your girlfriend. Maybe in the early stage, you can treat him like one and talk to him like one. That will soon change. Are you prepared for the next stage of your relationship?
I learned how to be submissive and be the helper. Being submissive doesn’t make you a fool. Being the helper doesn’t make you weak. They shared with me insights on how to truly help him without any self-motives or agenda and in return he can tell you anything without you playing Delilah and nagging it out of him.
You really can learn a lot from older, experienced women. If you have two of them in your life, you have more than enough. Titus 2:4
You have to be very patience in dealing with them. They are not your girlfriends. They are your mentors and you should defer to them in respect.
Their time is very precious because they are the CEO of their homes. They might not have time for you daily, but when they do, they give you nuggets of gold. I remember many conversations with them and their children kicking off in the background. Oh Lord, those were the days.
There is no way my single girlfriends could have known all that. This stuff are not written in women’s magazines either.
4. Be Teachable
It is easy to desire to learn from mature and experienced women. But are you prepared to submit to them? Are you prepared to deal with the truth they are about to share with you? How will you respond to their correction?
You will find out if you are a lone ranger or a team player. You had been single all this time and you might have forgotten how to operate in a partnership. Are you willing to let your guard down? Can you trust someone else and be open and real? Are you ready to leave your bad attitude, let someone speak truth into your life and minister the love of God into you? You need it.
Can you ignore a little discomfort for the goal that is in front of you? Are you really, really ready? Don’t be wasting these women’s time because they mean business.
5. Make The List
I believed that I grew up after my encounter with God and experience with mammas.
The next step was making my list. The bible says to write the vision down and make it plain. (Habakkuk 2:2)
How can you know what you are looking for even if it’s standing before you if you haven’t taken the time out to seek God about it? As a result of my time with God, I realized that I was asking for the wrong kind of man before. Thank God He didn’t grant my prayers earlier! Now that I had more information and insight I was able to make a proper list.
I had to remove “He must be handsome, he must dress well, and he must have a good sense of humor” from the list. Forget about making me laugh if he’s still telling me the same jokes year after year.
The new list was different. “He has to be a man after God’s heart, a worshipper and an intercessor and have a gentle spirit.
Yes, I got everything on my list and much more. The most amazing part was it didn’t take forever! This was one of my fears. I met my husband and within one year we were married.
When God is in it, it is way too easy!
6. Stay Focused and Have Faith
This point is the most difficult part for most people, especially if you are a control freak! Most people won’t even admit that they are. Well, I too didn’t think I was one until I had to learn to wait on God.
When you have done all the above, you have to stay focused on your goal and have faith that God will bring it to pass. When you are walking with God, it is going to be in His timing. Sometimes it seems like nothing is working and it’s all a waste of time. Stay focused and have faith. Learn to chill out and do something different. Remember you have tried your own way and that didn’t get you anywhere.
Your attitude now will determine how long before you get there. Believe me, when I say this, it doesn’t always make sense when you walk with God. His ways are not our ways. I promise you He is never late but always on time.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
It will all make sense when you are happily married and you now have those children that turn everything in your life upside down. Children are another subject! And they don’t come with any manual.
Thanks for reading! Share your thoughts with me in the comment box below. Always great to read any addition to the post that might help others.
Honest, straight-forward advice from people who had been where others desire to be is priceless. Great Posting. The bible admonish everybody to trust God with all our hearts and not lean on our own understanding. The bible also continue to say that in all our ways we should acknowledge God and He, God, will direct our paths. Single ladies out there, take this to heart God loves you very much and he's just waiting to let you allow him to intervene. Take this advice as said above, RUN TO GOD & GET DESPERATE WITH HIM. he's the only one that can make it happen for you. Awesome posting. Keep 'em coming. God will continue to use you for his glory.
Bro Joshua,
When we put our trust in God, He never fails us, never. I plan on running to him always.
Thanks for taking the time and such lovely comments.
Hmmm..this is a must read for every woman(married/single)
Its practical,inspiring and quite spiritual.
God bless u for this.
Hi Lara,
Thank you, I wrote straight from my heart because these are things I learnt and put to good use for myself.
Thank you for the encouraging words – I am glad. Thank you very much. Have a wonderful day!
Life is real. Life issues are very real. Those who need (not want) solution must get real. God is REAL and he offer practical solutions. Lk 1:37 For with God nothing shall be impossible.
Love the posting for they are tried and tested with good result. The first step is to be REAL with yourself. Everyone can carryon that you are fine and you may believe it (- life is a party!) but is that the reality. ONLY you and GOD knows.
Great posting.
Sis, well said. "Only you and God knows the truth. It is time to get real and stop faking it.
Thank you for always keeping it real.
Fantastico! I love every aspect of this post. This post does not only speak to people that want to get married, it also speaks to everyone regardless of what you are seeking God for. You have to learn to fellowship with God and let him speak to you and iron somethings out in your life. Get the Rhema of his word for yourself and don't leave God alone until you get what you desire. Through out the Bible, we find great examples of people who did not leave God alone and surely their needs were met. I mean every single one of them had a great testimony at the end of the day. "Don't Leave God Alone" by Hank Kunneman is an excellent book to read and your faith and prayer life will never be the same again.
Thanks for always putting things into perspective for us through your experience. I love you and appreciate you greatly!
Blimey,
Spot on, love the way you put it! "Dont leave God Alone"
I love reading your comments, thank you!
Lovely read! I believe every single woman needs to read this. Coming to realization that there is a need is the keyword here. Unless you prepare yourself and let God know you are ready for a future partner, he may not bring him to you.
Doyin,
The good thing about God preparing one is, you know what to look for and not blinded my love. One can pick out the diamond in the rough.
I enjoyed writing it too, thanks.
Everything u said is true. It really does pay to get help from those that are more experienced than us.The best way is God's way.I love ur post,thanks for sharing.
Ety,
Some are more experience than us, we have a lot to learn from them.
God is our ultimate guide and He never fails.
Thanks for reading my post, much love.
Nice write up particularly points no 1 and 4. I believe they are real and very contemporary with what causes Marriage delays. I pray this will reach sincere Singles who truly "want" and "Need" a spouse. Good job Sis. Buky.
Evangelist Bee, Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your wisdom.
Hello Bukky !
I can't go without telling you a BIG THANK YOUUUU for this post !
It's God who send me here tonight . I live in france, i'm cameroonian, and it's 01:04 am here (or pm? I really don't understand the "english way of reading the hour lol))
Im 23 YO, and right now in my life, I feel all that you've describe: I don't need anything else: I've 1 bachelor, 2 masters degrees, i've found a job in a great entreprise (pricewaterhousecoopers if you know it) and…Yes, i need nothing if not a husband. Someone to love.
Among my friends (I don't have many), i'm the only one with this STRONG desire. I mean, we're all talking about that, but I have the feeling that the others are not as needy as I am. They are like "if i find Him, ok…If I don't…Ok"…
To cut short a long story, I've decided to focus myself on God. Prayer, Bible, and…reading of inspiring Blogs (which are always in english, so I guess is a plus for my learning of this language as I'm a francophone)…
I've found lots of internet ressources, (all christians), talking about celibacy, courtship, then marriage in the godly way.
And I'm learning a lot on me, and on this A-topic for me right now.
That's how I found your blog (from chichi of "nowtillido")…And i can't help but add you to my daily reading list.
May God abundantly bless you…He must have been thinking of me when He inspired you this. It was totally for me today. May He receive all the Glory for that.
My only problem is that…If I don't have around me those "mamas"…I mean, my mother, and all the mothers to whom I could've ask for these "lessons" are living in Cameroon.
I'm all by myself here in France. Since 3 years…
I have a church, but it's a very big one and relations between me and any 'mama' of the church are not really deep.
I'll try to ask them … First, I'll pray and I guess that God will guide my way to one or two of them…Right?
If not, I guess, He'll show me another way (keep reading blogs? LoL)
My comment was long, but I needed to say "all this" everything right there…
God bless you, and your family.
PS: please pardon my english…I've tried my best…I'm a french speaker.
Sonia,
I am blown away by you girl. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and also to share.
You are taking the right steps by focusing on God and seeking godly counsels.
I pray that God will send you mighty women of God that will surround you with wisdom and knowledge, Amen.
The bible says " He that finds a wife, find a good thing and obtain favor of the Lord. He will find you because thru you he will be blessed.
Loved your article on get desparate and get married.
With me I pour out my feelings to God with songs and worship……I am always seeking counsel on why men behave the way they behave from experienced married woman and my church gives some absolutely amazing enlightments on this subject too.e.g went to one of our Choice men's meetings (single women were invited to it) and we watched a seminar on TJ jakes He-emotions afterwards we had question and answer and deep talks with regards this. It was absolutely amazing and I still use some of the nuggets I got from it today in dealing with my 17 year old and in preparation for my husband.
Joy,
You are a woman of great wisdom! Fellowshipping with God, seeking godly counsel and being part of a church community that provide you with information is awesome.
I pray that God will give you the desire of your heart and He will bring it to pass quickly.
I believe every single word is true, thanks for putting things into perspective for me.I WILL GET DESPERATE WITH GOD.
Thanks
Hello Sonja K,
I am glad you are going to Get Desperate with God. Girl, get ready, get ready for him to show you some stuff!!
Come back and testify!!
This is so smartly written and so definitely advice I could use right now, so thank you!
SIF,
I am glad you find the post useful, thank you for stopping by.
New friends from BlogFrog.
Have a nice day.
Nan
Hi Nan, thank you for stopping by, love your blog.
This could be a sign…my friend just said the exact same thing when she called me over the wkend…
God bless you for sharing your experience, you just inspired a soul…
Kemi, Great minds think alike! Isnt it amazing how God speaks to us thru different means? I think you have a good friend that wants the best for you, maybe you should listen and take time out and seek God on which direction He want you to take. I pray that He will grant you your heart desires in Jesus name. Happy thanksgiving.
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very revealing stuff, i really enjoyed reading this.
Ejiro, I am glad that you enjoyed reading it and I hope that what was revealing about the post will do you alot of good.. Thanks for stopping by!
This article ministered strongly to me. I am in my early 30's and sometimes l lose hope about finding a life partner. However, you have encouraged me that the best is still to come.
Over the past weeks, l have audited my own person and l realized some of the things l did wrong in my friendships/relationships. Also, l continually ask God to purge me of all bitterness and resentment in my heart. I also ask God to help me love myself more because really, you can't love effectively without first loving God and yourself.
I can only summarize this in a bible verse, 'Commit your ways to the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart'. Get desperate for God and He will get desperate for you!
God bless!
Ekundayo, First I love your name what a powerful meaning behind it. May all our tears be turned to Joy.
I know how you are feeling, i felt the same way too and I thank God for a wonderful sister who knocked some senses into me. With God all things are possible, regardless of our age or past.
You are on the right path, being honest with yourself is the first step. Self accountability is so important and taking our request to God is vital. Only God can grant us the desires of our heart, so you are going to be alright.
Take this season to focus on you, you are worth it and you will see great results.
I love forward to getting to know you more, so we can learn and grow together.
Oh my! This is really powerful. I just stumbled across your blog this evening and i have been devouring your articles like my favorite smoothie but i just had to comment on this one! God bless you for this. I am 24 and I always thought 'the yearning to settle down' will not come upon me till much later but it started a few months ago. Perhaps it's due to the achievement of my 5 year plan that i set when i was 19 or maybe, just maybe it is something deeper. This article, whilst not written by a perfect human being, is very useful as a guide for me to use in preparing myself for the man God has set aside for me. I believe you have been used as an instrument and I pray you get rewarded even far above your expectations in Jesus name. Cheers!!!
Hi Yetunde, I am so glad that you stumbled on Bukville! You are such an achiever at 24years young. You must be one determined and focus lady. I wish everyone will have a 5 years plan too, it is a great way to go after what one wants and staying with the vision. Ofcourse you are thinking what next now? Maybe marriage is what is next for you, but only you can determine that but I have a feeling you are about to figure it out.
Thank you for such encouraging words and prayer, Amen. I pray that as you embark on this journey of discovering the man God has set aside for you. That you will find him and also he will see what a blessing and and a great asset you will be to him.
Thanks for signing up for my subscription also, i look forward to getting to know you better.
This is a actually very beneficial study for me, I admit that you might be 1 of the very best bloggers I ever saw.Thanks for posting this informative article.
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Buki, I really love this article even thou am a Muslim but I found it so useful not only for singles but also for married, thank you and God bless
Amopeade, Welcome to Bukville, so glad to have you stop by and leave a comment. I am so glad to have you be a part of Bukville and I look forward to getting to know you better.
This article is great! Thank you for sharing this with us :) I’ve been a christian for a while, I suffer from depression and although I have a good relationship with God despite what some people think about depressed christians. I find it hard to leave the house at times, or talk to people without making an idiot out of myself so finding a better half is very hard, but reading your blog has made me see that if I pray and ask God for His hand over this desire in my life then anything is possible. Even for someone like me :) Thanks and God bless x
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Your words aren’t just simple & direct; they are cutting edge,and tears the heart out of every matters of the heart. I Think you should consider converting them into a pdf/ebook format for everyone touched by it will get it for offline usage! You Are NOT just great mamma, you are a super mamma, as you do say and truly you are Buky,and if I Could wish for a mama, you are the first among a billion choice I would have picked; I am sheepishly & stupidly in your love with your passion for the next generation,and fusion for excellency! Lol…..
Its like you read my thoughts! You appear to know so much about this, like you
wrote the guide for me. this is magnificent blog. A fantastic read. I’ll definitely be back.
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